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ADHD and Adults: Helpful Tips for Beating Boredom

3/14/2016

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., on PsychCentral

Because the ADHD brain thrives on interesting, challenging and novel tasks, it’s really hard for people with ADHD to complete anything that bores them. This has nothing to do with laziness or some character flaw.

Rather, it’s the nature of ADHD. In her book The Elephant in the ADHD Room: Beating Boredom as the Secret to Managing ADHDLetitia Sweitzer, M.Ed., BCC, ACC, defines boredom as “the feeling of too little stimulation.” She features a quote from ADHD expert Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., from the book Delivered from Distraction. Dr. Hallowell describes his own experience with boredom as “like being asphyxiated.”

Sweitzer also quotes this 2002 article by Colorado psychiatrist William W. Dodson:
For persons with ADHD, the ability to maintain attention and impulse control is determined by one factor — if the task is interesting, desired or challenging, the individual with ADHD has no problem with distractibility or impulsivity. If, on the other hand, the task is boring, it is a neurologic impossibility to stay on task. Interest and challenge only determine the ability to function, not importance. This ‘interest based performance’ is coming to be the hallmark diagnostic symptom of the disorder and the key to successful management once medication treatment has been established.

Intolerance to boredom can affect all areas of your life, from completing tasks at work to maintaining a household. When you’re bored, you stop focusing, start looking for something interesting, dismiss details, make careless mistakes and don’t do the things you need done.

However, you can implement strategies to beat boredom, which Sweitzer includes in The Elephant in the ADHD Room. The book is for clinicians, teachers and anyone else who works with people with ADHD. It features valuable suggestions and case studies. Below, I’m sharing some of these suggestions, which you can try on your own. Or you can discuss Sweitzer’s tips with your coach or therapist and work together to navigate boredom and get things done.

Elements of InterestSweitzer suggests figuring out what interests you and then applying those elements to boring tasks or situations. She calls this concept “Elements of Interest.” This is simply “the underlying aspects of an activity that interest or excite” you. This isn’t the actual activity, such as history or soccer, because that involves multiple elements of interest.

For instance, you might love to play soccer because your Elements of Interest include physical action and competition. Or you might love it because of the social interaction. Again, once you have a better understanding of the specific elements of an activity that interest you, you can add them to activities that normally bore you.

In the book, Sweitzer includes a thorough list of Elements of Interest. It includes: advocacy, altruism, competition, contemplation, curiosity, danger, drama, entrepreneurship, exercise, hands-on interaction, humor, imagination, mastery, nature, novelty, physical action, problem-solving, rule-breaking, story, surprise, time limit, urgency and variety.

Top JoysA helpful way to discover your Elements of Interest is to create a list of “Top 10 Joys.” According to Sweitzer, this includes writing down 10 occasions, events or activities in your life that have given you the most joy, satisfaction or happiness. Then for each item, ask yourself: What about this made me joyful? “The sources of your joys are your Elements of Interest,” Sweitzer writes.
Adding Interest to Boring TasksThere are many ways to incorporate your interesting elements into tasks you find tedious. For instance, if physical action is an Element of Interest for you, bounce a basketball while practicing your presentation or speech. Take a shot after you make each bullet point. Or make phone calls while you’re walking.

Sweitzer worked with a client who had to do boring temp work that was far below her expertise. The most boring part was waiting for the super-slow computer to load the next task onto the screen. Together they came up with the idea of the client exercising with dumbbells or resistance bands while she waited. She didn’t mind doing this in front of her co-workers.

If imagination is an Element of Interest, daydream while you’re doing an activity that doesn’t require your complete attention, such as folding laundry or waiting for paperwork to print. You also can use your imagination to satisfy other elements. If competition is important, “score a goal for every task or step of a task completed.” If applause is important, imagine an appreciative audience for every project you complete.

Additional TipsSweitzer suggests learning everything you can about the work you do so you can find it more interesting. As she writes, “The more you know about a subject, the more interesting it can be.”
It also might help to brainstorm responses to this question: “What could you do to shape the feeling of emptiness or boredom into a satisfying experience?”
​

When people with ADHD aren’t stimulated, they get bored. This is typical and understandable. But thankfully, you can find ways to make tasks more interesting so you can get things done.

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7 Surprising Quirks You Didn't Know About Binge Eating

1/26/2016

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Published by John M. Grohol, Psy. D., on PsychCentral

Binge eating disorder (BED) is one of the most common eating disorders, yet it wasn’t included as an official diagnostic category until 2013, when the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Ed. (DSM-5) was published. Prior to 2013, it was listed simply as a diagnosis needing further study — despite millions of Americans suffering from it. Binge eating is commonly defined as consuming a large amount of food in a short period of time, while experiencing a loss of control over eating.
What are some of the less commonly known quirks of binge eating disorder?

​1. Both woman and men engage in binge eating.


Although people tend to associate eating disorders nearly-exclusively with women, men can also suffer from an eating disorder. This is especially true with binge eating, which is generally seen as less stigmatizing than anorexia and bulimia (and is experienced differently by men, see below). The prevalence rate of binge eating disorder in women is about 1.6 percent of the adult population, while it’s about half that for men — 0.8 percent. It is the least gender-skewed of the three most common eating disorders (DSM-5, 2013).
2. Food cravings are associated with binge eating.While most people get food cravings from time to time — the intense desire to consume a specific kind of food that is very hard to resist. People with binge eating appear to be especially sensitive to such cravings. As Chao et al. (2016) noted, “Similar to previous suggestion that cravings for sweets are related to binging, we found that […] cravings for sweets and cravings for complex carbohydrates/ starches were independently associated with binge eating.” The more frequent the cravings, the more likely one may have binge eating disorder.
3. Stress or a negative mood may trigger binge eating.Phillips et al. (2016) found that stress or a negative mood seemed to precede most women’s binge eating behavior. Stress such as a relationship conflict, school work or work projects, or finances seem to act as a trigger for binge eating in women. But boredom and negative emotions also play a role in women (more so than men) for triggering binge eating behavior.
4. Men experience binge eating differently than women.Compared to women, men are more likely to report exercising or drug/alcohol use before an episode of binge eating (Phillips et al., 2016). Men also report more feelings about their bodily and physiological sensations — feeling empty or hungry before binging, and full after binging. After binge eating, men seem to report feeling more satisfied and less emotional distress than women too (Phillips et al., 2016).
5. Most women binge alone, secretly.Researchers have also confirmed what most people (especially women) with binge eating disorder already know — they like to binge alone, secretly. Researchers found that most women who have binge eating disorder consider secrecy a component of the disorder (Phillips et al., 2016). Women also reported being alone more than men when having a binge eating episode.
6. Binge eating doesn’t discriminate by race.Unlike other eating disorders, binge eating disorder doesn’t discriminate by race. Prevalence data in the United States suggests that it is as prevalent among different racial and ethnic minority groups as it is among white females. Anorexia and bulimia are far more common among white females than in other ethnic minority groups. Followup research from Chao et al (2016) confirm this finding.
7. People feel badly after binging, consider dieting.If you thought binge eating will somehow improve a person’s mood, usually the opposite occurs. After a binge eating episode, most people feel very badly — worse, in fact, than they did before binging. Women also reported having a more negative body image after binging (Phillips et al., 2016). Many people who binge eat also subsequently consider going on a diet (compared to bulimia, where dieting usually precedes the bulimic episode).

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Postpartum Difficulties Not Just Limited to Depression

12/19/2014

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Published by Traci Pedersen on PsychCentral


Beyond postpartum depression, there are several other lesser-known mental health risks during the perinatal period (just before and after a baby is born), and this includes the added pressure of becoming a “super” mom or dad, according to a University of Kansas researcher who will present her findings at the 109th Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association.

“Both mothers and fathers need to pay attention to their mental health during the perinatal period, and they need to watch for these other types of conditions, not just depression,” said Carrie Wendel-Hummell, a doctoral candidate in sociology.

“Anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychosis, and bipolar disorder are all shaped by circumstances that surround having a baby.”

For the study, Wendel-Hummell conducted in-depth interviews with 17 new fathers and 30 new mothers primarily from Kansas and Missouri. The participants represented a range of low-income to middle-class parents. There was no requirement that subjects have a perinatal mental health condition, but all participants happened to have prolonged symptoms of at least one.

According to Wendel-Hummell, the goal of the study was to highlight the biological and sociological problems that new parents face. Medical researchers for years had attributed postpartum depression in new mothers to hormonal changes, despite evidence to the contrary.

“It has been framed so much as being a hormonal disorder, but the evidence there is actually very limited,” she said. “Childbirth itself is a life change and a life stressor, so actually there’s far more evidence that those risk factors are the cause, more so than hormones.”

Stressed parents in the study generally reported worries about social problems, including cultural expectations of parenting, relationship stress, family-work balance issues, and struggles with poverty.

At the root of their perinatal mental health issues, low-income parents reported ongoing struggles of tending to their baby’s basic needs in the face of low wages and job insecurity, as well as finding affordable quality childcare, reliable transportation, and safe housing.

“Many of these parents were unable to afford mental health treatment. Frequently, pregnancy-based Medicaid is cut off after a post-birth appointment, which prevents coverage of treatment of postpartum depression or other post-pregnancy mental health disorders,” Wendel-Hummell said.

“They aren’t getting the support they need,” she said.

As for middle-class moms and dads, these parents tend to put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect mothers and fathers.

“Middle-class mothers often try to do everything to balance work and home life, and fathers are increasingly attempting to do the same,” she said. “This pressure can exacerbate mental health conditions. If everything is not perfect, they feel like failures — and mothers tend to internalize that guilt.”

“Fathers often suffer from stress from working in places that did not have family-friendly leave policies and from generally lacking resources to prepare them for fatherhood,” Wendel-Hummell said.

“Nobody is asking about the father and how he’s doing,” she said. “People typically focus on the mom and the infant, so not only is it more difficult for men to express their emotions, nobody is opening up that window for them either.”

She notes a need for more awareness of these perinatal mental health conditions and, in addition, to find ways to screen for them.

“We really only have a screening procedure for depression,” she said. “There should be improved screening, and it should be done in the later stages of women’s pregnancy and throughout that first year after the baby is born, for both mothers and fathers.

“We focus way too much on, ‘how do we fix this individual,’ but we really need to address the state of social and family policy,” Wendel-Hummell said.



** If you or someone you know is struggling postpartum, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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How to Spot a Narcissist

11/13/2014

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Published by Holly Brown, LMFT, on PsychCentral

A lot of people assume narcissists are easy to spot, that they talk obsessively about themselves, for example, or never seem to care what you have to say.  Those are the obvious narcissists.  This post is about the charming narcissists who can fly under the radar until you feel like you’re in too deep to get out.

I’ve written before about how to know you're involved with a narcissist, and on strategies for handling the narcissist in your life.  This post, hopefully, will help you avoid entanglements with people who could cause you a lot of pain down the line.

It’s the kind of post my characters Rachel and Marley might have benefited from, in my novel "Don't Try to Find Me"  And it might be particularly useful for those of you who are currently dating and trying to find a partner.  Maybe you’re on the fence about someone, and this could help you make a decision one way or the other.

When it comes to narcissists, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Getting out early might be your best move.  Okay, on to the tips:


1)  TRUST YOUR GUT!

I can’t stress this one enough.  If your gut is telling you that something is off, if another person inspires some sort of anxiety that you can’t quite comprehend–then look deeper.  You might feel like, “Hey, there’s no reason for me to be uneasy, it’s all going great, he/she is such a good catch!”  But ask yourself why no one has caught them.

When you’re talking to a bright, witty, charming, interesting narcissist, you will feel swept up.  You might feel a certain exhilaration, a loss of control, even.  Temporarily, this can be a positive feeling.

Long-term, though, what it means is that YOU ARE NOT PARTICULARLY RELEVANT.  The narcissist is merely looking for an audience.  The reason you don’t feel entirely present is because you don’t have to be.  You’re a prop, a way for the narcissist to feel temporarily good about himself/herself.  Essentially, you’re being used.

2)  You don’t feel truly listened to or empathized with.  It all feels somehow…surface.

That’s because narcissists often learn over time that in order to get the approval they seek, they need to give the other person something.  But it’s almost like the expression: His smile didn’t reach his eyes.  There’s a sense that something else is going on, or being withheld.  Again, this is largely something instinctive.

And the reason you are questioning yourself is because it is on this subterranean level.  On the surface, you’re not being disrespected.  But you’re not being valued either.

3)  Consider whether self-involved people often seem drawn to you.

If this is the case, then think about whether this is another person in a long line.  You might want to think back to your family relationships while you were growing up.  Did one or both of your parents train you, on some level, to be appreciative of others to the exclusion of your own needs?  Was an important person in your early life a narcissist as well?  Might be time to recognize (and break ) a pattern.

4)  You notice that somehow, you’re always ending up doing it the other person’s way.

This might mean that you’re always at the restaurant of their choice, or doing the activity they like.  You might find you drive to his/her house much more than the reverse occurs.  And you might not even know why this has happened, because the (suspected) narcissist seems nice enough, and willing enough, to do it your way.

But not really.  Essentially, they are saying they are open to your ideas, suggestions, and preferences, but then there’s always some reason why that doesn’t exactly work, or why the (suspected) narcissist’s way is actually better.  It might be that there’s a subtle pressure to go along in order to please the narcissist–perhaps he/she radiated very subtle disapproval through a variety of cues, and you’re picking up on these and it’s activating some anxiety, and so in order to relieve that anxiety, it’s just better to give in.  Which leads to….

5)  You tend to want to please people, and this new person in your life seems to feed on that.

While he/she may seem to be validating you (for example, giving you affection and compliments), there’s always something held back, perhaps the suggestion that the relationship can be damaged or lost.

A narcissist can often recognize a people-pleaser, almost like a homing pigeon.  A people-pleaser and a narcissist fit together like a lock and a key, often forging a very dysfunctional but enduring bond.

That’s why it’s key to examine your own motivations, reactions, impulses, intentions, and self-esteem. Because narcissists can spot you, so make sure you can spot them back. Then you can get out before the bond solidifies.



** If you or someone you know is struggling in a relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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10 Habits for a Happy Marriage

10/21/2014

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. on PsychCentral


The key to a happy marriage is the quality of your habits, according to therapists Ashley Davis Bush and Daniel Arthur Bush.

Thankfully, healthy habits can be learned. In their book 75 Habits for a Happy MarriageDavis Bush, LICSW, and Bush, Ph.D, share a variety of practical, valuable tips for couples to reconnect, communicate better and enhance their intimacy.

That’s because love consists of these three components: connection, communication and intimacy.

As they note in their book, connection includes feeling close to your partner, having shared values and caring about your partner’s needs.

Communication includes understanding and being understood. It means being considerate and honest with each other.

Intimacy includes being vulnerable and authentic with each other or “naked” physically, emotionally and spiritually. It includes having a sense of trust and safety.

Here are 10 habits from 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage to help you enhance your connection, communication and intimacy.

1. Express your love every morning.

For instance, you might say, “I love being married to you” or “You matter to me.” The key is to convey to your partner that he or she is special to you, according to the authors.

They suggest saying this in person. But if you’re not home, then you might text these words or leave a note on the fridge. They also suggest changing up the words you use and how you deliver them.

2.  Greet your partner with a long hug.

Be excited when your partner gets home. Stop what you’re doing, give them a full body hug for at least 20 seconds and say something like “I’m so glad you’re home.” If you’re coming home, do the same, and say “I’m so glad to be home.”

Hugging for this long might feel strange. But, as the authors note, 20 seconds is the time it takes to stimulate the bonding hormone oxytocin, which helps you feel closer to your partner right away.

3. Express your gratitude.

When you’re getting ready for bed, thank your partner for a word, action or experience. If you go to bed first, let them know right before you head in. If you go to bed later than your spouse, write it down for them to read in the morning.

This helps your partner feel appreciated, and helps you start focusing on what’s going well. “[Y]ou begin to see more and more circumstances, actions and sweet moments for which to be grateful,” according to the authors.

4. Reminisce together.

Take turns sharing happy memories from your past. Be as detailed as possible. If you have a hard time remembering, use holidays and vacations as reminders. If you’ve been together for a long time, share your memories by decade.

According to Davis Bush and Bush, “You not only fill yourselves with the spirit and emotion of wonderful times, but you may also be reminded of forgotten times or see them through your spouse’s eyes.”

5. Chat about change.

People change. This is inevitable. Talking about change helps couples build intimacy. It helps you better understand your partner’s inner world, and helps you reveal your real self to your partner.

Ask your partner: “How do you think you have changed over the past year?” Focus on being open and curious about your partner’s experiences.

6. Chat about dreams.

This is another helpful way to get to know your spouse better. Start by asking: “What do you dream will happen in the next ten years?”

This might be anything from taking a certain vacation to owning a boat to winning the lottery. Whatever he or she says, again, try to be open and nonjudgmental.

7. Walk in their shoes.

When couples disagree about an issue, they usually focus on making their point and proving they’re right. They usually focus on their personal perspective. However, this doesn’t leave much room for empathy.

Instead, say “Let’s Switch.” Then speak from your partner’s perspective, saying “I am (insert your spouse’s name), and this is how I see it.”

According to the authors: “Before you speak, spend a moment with your eyes closed, breathing deeply, and thinking about what life must look like through the lens of your mate’s history, his personality, his experience.”

After you’re done, ask them to do the same with your perspective.

8. Listen fully.

When your partner is upset and complaining, listen to them, without trying to minimize or fix their problem. As the authors write, unless your spouse specifically asks for a solution, they probably just want to be heard.

After your spouse is done talking, say: “‘What I hear you saying is…’ Then paraphrase his words. Continue by saying, ‘Did I get that right?’ and ‘Is there more?’”

9. Touch their heart.

Put your hand on your spouse’s heart, and ask them to do the same. Hum a note, and have your spouse match your tone. When your spouse changes the note, match it.

Doing this creates a frequency of connection, write Davis Bush and Bush. They note that this exercise reminds you that you’re together in life and your marriage is a priority.

10. Learn their poignant words.

Ask your spouse about the words that help them to feel loved and valued. For instance, they might be “I will be with you forever,” “I trust you,” or “I am here for you.” Once you know these powerful words, whisper them to your partner.

Every relationship requires sustenance. Healthy habits, according to the authors, can provide this nourishment.

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9 Healthy Ways to Deal with Distress

8/27/2014

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., on PsychCentral


Dealing with distress is difficult. By its very nature, distress is “great pain, acute suffering and extreme misfortune,” said Casey Radle, LPC, a therapist who specializes in anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.

This serious pain “can hijack our ability to think straight.”

That’s because we shift into survival mode and don’t have access to the problem-solving part of our brains, said Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S, a therapist in Houston, Texas.

“When we are in distress and lack feelings of safety, our thinking brain is hijacked by our emotional limbic system and we move into primitive drives to fight or flight. If we’re too scared, we freeze or get stuck as if we’re just trying to survive the ordeal. Because our thinking brain is offline, this can get very big and out of control.”

Naturally, it’s hard to deal with something so scary. And many of us turn to unhealthy habits — or excessive versions of healthy ones, such as over-exercising — to avoid the pain.

However, there are many relatively simple and healthy strategies. Below are nine tips.

1. Identify your needs.

“When we are in distress, we need something,” said Radle, who practices with Eddins at Eddins Counseling Group.

She gave these examples: We may have an emotional need to feel accepted or heard. We may have a tangible need to have more help around the house. We may have an environmental need for peace and quiet. We may have a psychological need to treat ourselves with kindness.

Naming your needs, Radle said, can be tough. In fact, most of her clients don’t know their needs. Instead, “They tend to get stuck on thoughts of, ‘I wish my life were different. I wish things weren’t this way. I wish I were more _____ or less ____. I just want to be happier.’”

When you’re feeling distressed, Radle suggested asking yourself: “What do I need right now?”

Your automatic response might be: “I need less stress in my life!” or “I just want to be happier!”

If so, keep asking questions: “What does that mean exactly? What does that look like? What does that feel like? What does that entail? How might that be achieved?”

2. Focus on what you want — not on what you don’t.

When thinking about your needs, it can be more helpful to focus on what you need, instead of what you don’t need, Radle said.

She gave this example: “Instead of saying, ‘I don’t want to feel lonely,’ come up with specific ways that you can feel more connected to, supported by, and engaged in your community, circle of friends, and/or family.”

3. Honor your needs.

After you discover what you need, honor it. When applicable, communicate those needs to others, Radle said.

“If you don’t clearly communicate your needs, no one will know how to support you.” We can’t expect people to read our minds, she said. “That isn’t fair to them nor to ourselves.”

4. Get moving.

“When we’re highly stressed moving can help pump more blood and oxygen to the brain and shift into our senses and surroundings to feel grounded and safe,” Eddins said.

What kind of movement you do depends on your preference and circumstance. For instance, if you’re feeling distressed at 3 a.m., it can help to stretch, walk around, jog in place or even wiggle your toes, she said.

5. Develop a nurturing voice.

According to Eddins, “Your inner nurturer starts by validating what you’re feeling [and] offers comforting and soothing statements [and hope].”

She shared these examples: “You’re a good person going through a hard time. You’ll get through this. Let’s just take it one moment at a time; it will be OK.”

You also might create a compassionate figure after a kind person you know, a spiritual guide or a fictional character, Eddins said. Turn to this figure when your thoughts are judgmental or self-critical, she said.

6. Reverse the “Golden Rule.”

Radle suggested reversing the Golden Rule, which states that we should treat others the way we’d like to be treated. “I find that most of my clients are far more compassionate towards others than they are towards themselves.”

Radle defined kindness as being gentle and honest and honoring our needs. This may look different for every person.

Kindness may include asking for help or saying yes or no, she said. For instance, you say yes to a massage and no to preparing a homemade dish for the office potluck.

Kindness may include “telling yourself it’s OK that you’ve gained 10 pounds, that you’re still beautiful and still worthy of attention and affection.”

It may include “acknowledging … that you did something that was hard for you to do, even if no one else noticed or even knew that it was a challenge for you.”

It may include “forgiving yourself for making a mistake and for not being perfect.”

7. Practice a soothing gesture.

“Place your hand over your heart, imagine a positive memory you’ve had and just breathe in and out of your heart, feeling the connection between your hand and your heart,” Eddins said.

8. Practice different perspectives.

When we’re distressed, pain from the past may get reactivated, Eddins said. Then we may “create a number of stories around what is happening, which can be harmful to us and also inaccurate.”

Instead, pause. Consider what you’d say to someone in the same situation, she said. “What would you say to a child? What other perspectives are possible? Can you think of three alternate neutral or positive explanations?”

9. Ground yourself.

“If your distress is so high that you’re feeling unsafe, and unable to access your other resources, you need to ground yourself first,” Eddins said. Grounding simply means anchoring yourself back to the present moment.

Eddins shared these grounding techniques:

  • Run cool or warm water over your hands.
  • Notice your body, such as practicing a body scan or clenching and releasing your fists.
  • Notice five things you can hear; five things you see in the room; five things you sense, such as certain textures touching your skin.
  • Remember words to an inspirational song, quote or poem that helps you feel better.
  • Remember a safe place and describe it in detail using your senses.
  • Count backwards in 7s or 9s.
  • Visualize yourself gliding away on skates, away from the pain you’re currently feeling.
  • Change the TV channel to a soothing show.
  • Change the radio station to something pleasant.
  • Imagine a wall as a buffer between you and your pain.
Dealing with distress isn’t easy. However, you can turn to many healthy, compassionate strategies for support.


** If you or someone you know is struggling with distress, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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When to Seek Couples Therapy

7/22/2014

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Published by Holly Brown, LMFT, on PsychCentral


Most people treat couples therapy as a measure of last resort: Your relationship is completely on the rocks, one or both of you is considering calling it quits.   It’s like dialing 911.

But as I’ve said before, that’s the worst time to start therapy–when you’re feeling hopeless, when one or both of you has little investment in the relationship.  Seeking professional help sooner can make all the difference.

So what is the best time?

1)  When you keep having the same conversations/arguments and getting nowhere.

You keep restating your position; they keep restating theirs.  It’s like a car stuck in the mud; no one’s budging.

These can become a death spiral for your relationship. You might start to feel like there’s no point in talking anymore and turn away from each other for good.  You’ll start nursing hurts and resentments.  The distance will grow.

2)  When you’re too afraid to talk to your partner (maybe because you worry about hurting him/her, maybe because you’re not sure what it’ll mean for your relationship.)

Stuffing your feelings isn’t good for your mental health, and it isn’t good for your ability to connect emotionally with your partner.  It’s like erecting a barrier between you.

A professional can create a safe space in which to explore the fears, help articulate the issues, provide a buffer, and process you and your partner’s feelings.

3)  When the anger in your relationship is getting out of control.

That can mean verbal or physical aggression.  If you feel abuse is occurring, it’s time to start therapy.  This is especially true if the person being aggressive is not owning his or her behavior.

Look for a therapist who has experience with domestic violence.  You might chafe at that terminology, but if some part of you knows, deep down, that abuse is occurring, then you need a therapist who knows how to confront in an appropriate way.

4)  When the communication has effectively shut down.

You retreat to one part of the house; your partner goes to another.  Maybe there’s tension, or maybe you’ve just accepted the disconnection and it feels companionable.

But if the emotional connection and the channels of communication have essentially been severed, couples therapy can help.

5)  When an attachment injury (such as infidelity) has significantly eroded your trust and faith in your partner’s caring.

Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) is a particularly good treatment option in cases like this.  It’s all about how to create (or, in this case, recreate) a secure emotional bond between partners.  The goal for therapy (as in life) is to have the kind of relationship where if you’re asked if you can rely on your partner, you can answer yes without hesitation.



** If you or someone you know is struggling in their relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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The Science of Love: 9 Ways Being in Love Affects Your Personality

7/17/2014

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Published by Jen Glantz and Michelle Toglia on PsychCentral


From boosting happiness to making you less judgmental, here’s how head-over-heels transforms you.

Love makes us all walk around like giant goof balls. We’re smiling for no reason. We’re asking people how their days are just so they’ll ask us back and we can sigh and say things have never been better. It makes us wake up in the morning and want to get out of bed and want to say hello to the brutal morning and want to be the greatest version of ourselves.

But as great as it makes it, it also makes us crazy.

It makes us pick up the phone and call someone 67 times on repeat until they answer and stop ignoring you (guilty), or say I’m sorry and I love you more times than you’d like. It makes us change our hair colors, how we occupy our free time and if anything, it changes our personalities.

This isn’t something I’ve learned by observing the people around me — most of whom are engaged or married — or even observing myself, sometimes, when I find myself all googly-eyed over a guy that makes my heart rise and fall to the beat of an Avicii song, it’s become a fact. It’s also been the center of attention in a lot of recent studies.

1. You’re A Combination Of Happy And Anxious
You may ask how it’s possible to feel happy and anxious at the same time. But when it comes to being in love, really, any and all feelings at once is very possible. According to a study in Live Science, a person can feel happy when they’re in love, but they can also feel anxious. Isn’t that something?

2. You’re Addicted
If you’ve ever categorized love as an addiction you just can’t kick, according to WebMD, you may just be correct. It releases a feel-good chemical, similar to another other addiction that creeps into our lives.

3. You’re Capable Of Taking More Risks
No matter if the person you love is two door down or two countries away, Medical Daily, says that that “addiction” we feel because of love makes us more driven to take risks in order to get to that person.

4. You’re Over-The-Top Overprotective
A recent study from Florida State University found that love can make a person overprotective of his or her partner.

5. You Can’t Focus
If your mind begins to dance around in circles and even focusing on something ordinary makes you crazy, blame it on your love. Being in love interferes with your brain’s ability to stay on task, says a study from the University of Maryland.

6. You’re Confident
To put it more simply: Love helps us to tackle life with more confidence instead of seeing things pessimistically straight away, says ScienceDaily.

7. If You’re Neurotic, You Become Stabilized
A recent study published in the Journal of Personality assessed how love has long lasting effects on personality and discovered that negative thinking can be unlearned. After studying people considered to be neurotic, depressed or anxious researchers discovered that they become more stable in a loving relationship.

8. You Don’t Judge
Wonder why your guy is so supportive of everything from your career choices to how you handle a disagreement with a friend? Brain scans show when someone is shown a photo of the person they adore, the part of the brain responsible for judgement, the frontal cortex, shuts down and they suspend all criticism or doubt.

9. You’re Smarter
Your brain on love is an intelligent one. Being head over heels triggers the brain’s dopamine center, which boosts cognitive and motor skills. In one study, subjects stared at a computer as names flashed across the screen quickly, and when the name of their significant other appeared, their ability to perform difficult tasks improved drastically.


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10 Lies Singles Tell Themselves About Love After 40

7/11/2014

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Published by Yourtango Experts on PsychCentral


Single and sick of it? Find out what you can do to change your behavior.

If you are a single woman over 40, you have a love history. You’ve been in relationships before and you may want one now, but for whatever reason you haven’t found the right person yet.

Maybe you’re divorced and frustrated with dating or haven’t ventured back out to the dating pool. You could be a widow and unsure of ever finding another man like your husband. Perhaps you were in a live-in or long-term relationship that ended, so you’re single again.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I know finding love the second time around (or even the first) is not easy. Still, people fall in love every day and many of my clients do find that loving man. So what’s the problem?

This might seem harsh, but you are likely telling yourself several lies about love after 40 that are hurting you. These negative beliefs prevent you from connecting, or worse, stop you from even looking.

Clients come to me with these limiting ideas about dating, love and men, and it’s my job to help them turn things around. Working with me, women transform the lies to create opportunities. And that’s how they manage to find love again!

Here are some of the lies you may be telling yourself that are preventing you from finding love.

  1. All the good men are taken. This is what I hear most frequently from clients. However, thinking about this statistically, there just has to be good single men available since half the adult population in the U.S. is single. Men get divorced for the same reason women do; they grew apart from their wives, their wives cheated or circumstances just changed. Some men had their heart broken earlier in life and are just recovering and ready now. There are lots of reasons why good men are single and looking for a woman like you. The fact is that now, more than any other time in history, there are a lot of people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are single and looking for love. So don’t believe that there are no good men out there!
  2. I already had my one shot at love. Widows often believe this, particularly if they had a wonderful relationship with their husbands. They come away thinking that they will never find such a good man again. However, this is exactly the reason why it is possible; if you found great love once, you can certainly do it again. You have the track record for success. Consider your circumstances differently and recognize that you are a magnet for love, since your energy is filled with loving thoughts from your past.
  3. Looking for love is not worth the trouble. Dating is tough and you may reach a point when you feel that it is too exhausting and too much effort. But that feeling is just a symptom of your belief that you don’t think it’s possible to find love. On the other hand, if you really believe that you will find love, then you know every man you meet brings you one step closer to finding the right man for you. I dated 30 men in 15 months to find my adorable husband. Was I ever sad, disappointed or disgusted? Of course! But I would remind myself that I was on the path to find love and nothing was going to get in my way. So nothing did. It took dating 30 men, but it was completely worth every bad date and heartbreak along the way. Dating is a process. Be in it to win and find the love you deserve.
  4. If the guy’s not a 10, I can’t be bothered. If you feel this way, you will surely be single for a long time! After 40, the chances of Mr. Right knocking on your door are zero. You are going to have to get off the couch and do your part to cross paths with lots of men. Dating is a numbers game so the more men you meet, the better your chances for finding the love you want. Will every man you meet be perfect? Of course not! Most of the men you meet will not be right. But you don’t need them to be because you only need one. In addition, no man is perfect (and neither are you). The perfect man does not exist; he is a myth and a fairytale. However, I guarantee there is a man who is the right one for you. Get over this idea of perfection or you will stay single.
  5. He’s not as great as my girlfriends. I’m often surprised when a woman compares the men she dates to her girlfriends. Seriously? How could a man ever compare to your girlfriends? Men are not like women! They are dramatically different. We are not brought up the same, we have different innate skill sets and our brains are wired differently. We may be equals, but that does not make us the same. Expecting a man to be like your girlfriends means he is bound to fail. Most men will never be as thoughtful or have the same depth of understanding as your girlfriends. However, that doesn’t mean that men don’t have their own amazing contribution to make to your life. The right man expands and enhances your life in ways your girlfriends never will. My advice is to let go of this idea, because it will prevent you from finding the love you want.
  6. Most men are liars, cheats and players. Women who have been burned by a man (or know people who have) tend to believe this, which I can understand. As your dating coach, I ask you to consider whether it can really be true that all men are like this. Mathematically, it is just not possible. There are definitely men who do not cheat, lie or refuse to settle down. Personally, I found a man who is not like that, and I have many clients who have also found a fabulous, moral guy. When you believe that all men are terrible, you will look for evidence that your viewpoint is correct. If you believe men are wonderful, you will see examples to support that. Start looking for examples of quality men and you will notice that they are all around you.
  7. I never meet any interesting men. After 12 years of being a dating coach, one thing I know for sure about women who say this is that it’s not that they don’t meet interesting men — they don’t meet any men at all! These women usually aren’t active and don’t date much or interact with men. So it’s no surprise that don’t meet anyone interesting. I was like this myself, before I got serious about finding love. Another note about wanting someone “interesting”: I’ve noticed many women find nice men to be boring and bad boys to be interesting. Yes, a bad boy’s unpredictable and aloof personality does make him intriguing and you want to unravel the mystery. He becomes a challenge for you to win over. However, a bad boy won’t change his stripes for you and won’t be good relationship material. If you insist on dating bad boys, count on heartbreak and torturous love affairs that do not satisfy.
  8. There aren’t any single men where I live. One of my clients, Sally, insisted that all of the men in her town were married. This is similar to the #1 lie that all the good men are taken but with a local spin. Granted, some areas do have more married than single people. But overall, 50% of adult Americans are not hitched, so they must live near you, too. Through coaching, Sally, who had lost her ability to notice men, was able to open her eyes to the ones around her and find one for herself.
  9. Men today do not want a relationship. Let’s refer to Lie #6 about all men being liars, cheaters and players; obviously, generalizations don’t hold much water. While not all men want a long-term relationship, there are certainly some who do. If you want love, you need to do your part to meet plenty of men and screen them. Coach Amy Schoen says one way to know if a man is serious about finding love is the way he talks about his life and dating. For example, if the guy you meet mentions moving or how much he loves women, he’s probably not ready settle down. If he says he’s tired of dating, he might be more serious about finding love. There are definitely men out there who would be thrilled to fall in love with you, but you need to do your part.
  10. I don’t have time to date. This is something women tell themselves constantly. Yes, I know you are busy. But you make time for what you decide is important. To find love, you’ll need to make it a priority. Carve time out of your calendar at least once a week to meet new people. If you cannot do that, you don’t really want to find love. When I was looking for my husband, I went out at least once a week to a singles’ group or dance. Plus, I met men through personal ads (online dating was not popular yet in 1998) and had at least one coffee date, if not more, every weekend. You need to create the space in your schedule to find the love you want. If you say you just don’t have it, I understand. But you also need to admit that love is not a priority for you. There is no shame in that because finding love takes effort and requires a strong desire to take the necessary steps.

I hope reviewing these lies opened your mind to new ways of looking at dating over 40. Once I found love, I dedicated my life to helping single women over 40 make that dream come true for them as well. Since I found love, and many of my clients have too, I know you can do it!


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25 Simple Ways to Improve Your Relationships at Work & Home

7/2/2014

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By Joyce Marter, LCPC, on PsychCentral

  1. Smile. Put a smile on your face and in your eyes, voice and heart as often as possible.
  2. Make eye contact. Look people openly, warmly and squarely in the eye.
  3. Open your body language. While facing the person with whom you are talking, open your chest, your heart and your arms.
  4. Address people by name. Honor people by calling them by name as you greet them, give them thanks, ask a question or bid them farewell.
  5. Speak with a friendly tone. Warm your tone of voice with love and kindness.
  6. Be present. Give your complete and undivided attention to others when they are speaking to you.
  7. Express gratitude. Focus your attention on the goodness in others, verbalize all that you appreciate and give thanks.
  8. Slow down. Breathe and gift yourself and others with time to properly address situations and transition from them.
  9. Reflect empathy and compassion. Honor people’s emotional experiences. Normalize and validate their feelings so they feel heard, known and understood.
  10. Have integrity. Keep your word. Do what you say you are going to do.  Live according to your values.
  11. Have good manners. Be polite, conscientious and gracious.
  12. Demonstrate thoughtfulness. Get out of your own head and be of service to others. Consider their feelings and experiences.
  13. Give genuine compliments. Tell others their strengths, give positive feedback and express what you admire about them.
  14. Give salutations. Make the effort to open and close verbal and email interactions with a nice greeting or closure, rather than abruptly asking for something with neither a hello nor goodbye.
  15. Be generous. Give and share whatever you can, whenever you can.
  16. Be kind. Be the bigger person. Kindness is a choice. 
  17. Show compassion. Demonstrate self-compassion by cutting yourself some slack extend this same compassion to others. Let go of criticism.
  18. Be patient. Breathe and breathe out. Patience is a virtue. There is great value staying in the present moment and not hurrying our minds or bodies onto the next task.
  19. Demonstrate self-awareness. Consider how what you are saying will feel to them and how it will impact them. Notice the impact you have on others by paying attention to their facial expressions, tone and body language. Make adjustments accordingly.
  20. Be truthful. The truth has different layers and sometimes the deepest layer is hurtful or inappropriate. Speak the truth from the deepest layer that is appropriate. Speak from a place of kindness.
  21. Be reliable. Follow through with responsibilities and commitments with competency and effective communication.
  22. Be forgiving. Each time somebody else makes a mistake it is an opportunity for you to extend kindness and compassion. Let go of resentments that keep you tethered to the past.
  23. Apologize. We are human and nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake, make an amend or extend a sincere and timely apology.
  24. Take responsibility. Drop the defensiveness and the excuses and accept responsibility for yourself, your actions and your behaviors.
  25. Express love. Be open-minded and non-judgemental. Extend love to yourself and to others. Choose to be loving whenever possible—it is always possible.
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