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The Making of a Grateful Mind

10/15/2018

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Published by Denise Fournier, Ph.D. on Psychology Today 

If you’re the type of person who actively seeks ways to improve your quality of life, you’re likely to have come across a thing or two about the importance of gratitude. Just about every self-help book on the shelves makes mention of gratitude, and researcher after researcher has touted its many benefits. People who practice gratitude have been found to be more compassionate, more optimistic, more joyful, and more content with themselves and their lives. Gratitude has been associated with higher levels of positive emotions, stronger immune systems, and lower blood pressure. Clearly, it wields a great deal of power.

But for many people, gratitude doesn’t come naturally.

In a culture that values the attainment of more (more money, more friends, more social media “likes,” more material things), it’s easy for us to feel like we’re lacking. We’re flooded with messages that tell us we don’t have enough and, even worse, that we aren’t enough. We like to believe that if only we had the right salary, the right body type, the right car, the right romantic partner, the right house, then we could be satisfied. But it doesn’t quite work that way. You see, research has shown that when we think that acquiring certain things—like money, status, or fame—will make us happier, we’re only setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction. Just as soon as we get what we wanted, we come up with other things to aim for; and until we acquire those things, we remain discontented. Social scientists call this the hedonic treadmill effect: the more we get, the more we want, and the more we want, the more unhappy we are.

The biggest problem with the hedonic treadmill is that once you step on, it’s really tough to hop off. However, there’s one thing that works particularly well for escaping this dilemma. Yep, you guessed it; it’s gratitude.

People who cultivate a sense of gratitude are able to appreciate and enjoy their lives, regardless of their external circumstances. They understand that by acknowledging what they have to give thanks for, they’re generating a sense of contentment and satisfaction that isn’t dependent on outside sources. If you’re one of those people who lives in gratitude, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not one of those people but would like to be, here are a few ways you can begin to practice more gratitude in your life:

1) Greet Each Day Gratefully – The first thing many people do upon waking up is grumble about the fact that it’s morning. They grumpily get out of bed and start the day lethargically, begrudging the fact that they can’t sleep any longer. What we do when we first wake up has the potential to shape our entire day. That’s why the best time to practice gratitude is first thing in the morning. Before getting out of bed, think of five things you're grateful for. You might say to yourself something like, “This morning I’m grateful for this comfortable bed, for having a reason to wake up in the morning, for the light of the beautiful sun shining through my window, for my air conditioner, and for the clothes I’ll wear to work today.” Reflecting on how fortunate you are automatically brightens your mood, and emerging from bed in that spirit will set the tone for your day. You may come up with your own practice, but however you do it, maintain the intention of shaping your day with thankfulness.

2) Keep a Gratitude Journal – Researchers who study gratitude suggest that keeping a written record of the things we’re grateful for can have tremendous psychological and emotional benefits. Not only does the act of writing down things you’re thankful for put you in a positive mind state, it also allows you to put your experiences in context and create meaning in your life. The results of studies on gratitude journaling suggest that the practice is most effective when it’s done intentionally. In other words, people get the most of out it when they take their time to think about what they’re grateful for and experience the emotions that arise while they write it down. Researchers recommend writing about five items each time, and journaling only a couple of times per week rather than every day. So what are you waiting for? Get the lead out, and get grateful!

3) Make the Switch – Have you heard it said that we create our own reality? What about the saying, “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it”? Well, there’s great wisdom in these expressions. As we go through life, we get to choose how to perceive what we experience. And what we choose makes all the difference. For example, sitting in traffic on your morning commute can either be agonizing or enjoyable. If you think, “I hate traffic! I wish I didn’t have to deal with this in the morning. I’m so jealous of people who work from home,” you’re going to feel really lousy. And who wants to feel lousy when you have a choice to feel otherwise? If you think, “I’m so grateful to have a car that gets me to work. I’m grateful to have the extra time to myself that I can use to listen to music and relax before the work day begins,” you generate an entirely different feeling. Suddenly that morning commute isn’t so bad. And it’s not just traffic that can be transformed this way. We can switch our minds to gratitude in absolutely every situation. It’s all a matter of focus. The best part is that when you regularly practice switching your perspective to look for what you’re grateful for rather than what’s lacking, you train your brain to pay attention in this way more often. Do this long enough and you’ll automatically see the upside without having to give it much effort.
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4) Get Grateful Through Giving – One of the best ways to be reminded of what you have to be grateful for is to keep company with someone who’s less fortunate than you are. Most of us can agree that it feels really good to give to others; it serves as a reminder of our abundance. Volunteer work, service, and random acts of kindness are all incredible ways to cultivate a sense of gratitude. The more we give, the more we realize how much we have to give. And the more we realize that, the more grateful we become. When we give to others, we also give to ourselves. It’s the greatest win-win situation of all.

When you start getting grateful, you start to see your life transform right before you. You begin to realize that no matter what’s happening, there’s always something to be thankful for. Why not start getting grateful right here, right now? I challenge you to stay on this screen until you’ve named five things you’re grateful for.
Ready?
Set?
Go!

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4 Ways to Guarantee Success This Year

12/18/2017

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Published by Melody Wilding, LMSW

It’s that time of year again when we’re likely to set goals and high hopes for the 12 months.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions, however, is that they’re so darn hard to keep.

We wake up on January 1st with the best of intentions, lots of energy, and even a well-laid plan to tackle it all.

By March, though, most of these goals are simply a distant memory.

Old habits return, and life goes on.

When we look at the psychology behind failed resolutions, there’s a few reasons why even the most practical of goals tend to bomb:

1. You’ve bitten off more than you can chew

Often when making resolutions we identify a major life theme that we want to change and take a broad, general approach to tackling it.

For example, saying that you’re going to “eat healthier” in the New Year is really abstract. Are you going to try a specific diet plan like Paleo? Are you simply going to swap out your morning bagel for fruit?

Big goals are great, but you have to pick somewhere to start.

2. A year is a long time

It’s human nature to evolve and shift our preferences over time as our surroundings and circumstances change. Add to that unexpected life changes.

Say you get laid off from your job after resolving to get to work by 8:30 every morning, or become bored with that exercise routine you committed to doing five days a week. The fact of the matter is, things change.

Committing to one resolution for an entire year — with no wiggle room for to evolve —doesn’t fit into how life really works.

3. You get caught up in the New Year hype

You’re more likely to break New Year’s resolutions than other goals because of the sheer pressure to make one even if you aren’t intrinsically motivated or ready to change.

It’s much easier to fall off the wagon quickly if your heart’s not in it.

4. You try doing too much, too soon

Most people, by the time they get to the end of the year, are totally burned out and don’t give themselves time to rest and rejuvenate heading into the New Year. If you start on an empty tank emotionally, physically, or mentally, it’s going to be hard to keep any goal.

Though sometimes hard to keep, in the end resolutions can make a big difference.

They can set the tone for your entire year ahead, and force you to get clear about taking steps to achieve new success.

The key lies in creating resolutions that promote self-growth and understanding in a structured way. So how can you cultivate passion and purpose that won’t leave you frustrated in a couple months?

Here are alternatives approaches that will help you improve your quality of life in the coming year:

Select a word to guide your year

Identify a word or mantra that maps back to a theme you’d like to focus on and weave into your daily life.

For example, if your word is “ease,” consider how you can create match your actions to the value of “ease”. How can simple tasks such as running errands feel less rushed or design your schedule to reduce stress?

Repeating this enough can help you invite new people, habits, and behaviors into your life that aligned with your values and the goals you seek to achieve.

Make use of micro-goals

Major goals can feel like they’re miles away. When we don’t achieve them in the (often unreasonable) time frame we expect, it can lead to feeling depressed, discouraged, and defeated. Motivation begets motivation, after all.

Start by setting mini-milestones that are reasonably attainable. You can measure your success against each of these, adjusting and gathering momentum as you go along.

Rather than making a huge resolution — say, to start a business in 2015 — break it down into smaller pieces: set up time to meet with mentors in January, write out a business plan in March, set up a website by July, and raise $10,000 by September. This way, you can measure your progress and celebrate each success as you achieve it. You’re avoiding feeling overwhelmed (starting a business is a huge deal) and have metrics to measure against as you go along.

Pick priorities for each area of your life

Similar to setting numerous smaller goals throughout the year, consider setting an individual resolution in each area of your life you’d like to improve upon — health, career, finances, and relationships.

You might commit to monthly dinners with your roommates for the “relationships” bucket, taking a new fitness class each month for the “health” bucket, and automatically transferring $150 to your IRA each month for your finances.

All of these are attainable goals, which can lead to huge differences in multiple areas of your life.

Bullet-proof your goals

Once you’ve decided on a goal, bolster it against the craziness of daily life. Think through possible scenarios that might come up that could derail you from your goal.

For example, say you want to live a healthier life by setting goals around diet and exercise, but you know you have work trips planned. You could defend your goal by researching restaurants beforehand, finding out if the hotel has your gym and working that into your schedule, etc.

You want to be defensively pessimistic and anticipate challenges before they come up the way, rather than being surprised when they inevitably appear and catch you off guard.​
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10 Tips for Setting Successful Resolutions That Stick

12/18/2017

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. on PsychCentral

We know what you’re thinking: Here’s another article that’s going to give me the same old tips for making and keeping New Year’s resolutions.

But while we understand your skepticism, these 10 ideas help you figure out why resolutions often are unsuccessful. If you know that, then you can figure how to make them successful instead.

And I’ll give you a hint — failure has nothing to do with willpower or lack of effort. It has to do with things that you can likely and readily change in how you approach resolutions.

Set intentions, not “musts.”
Resolutions tend to come with a “should” or a “have to,” and “we rebel against these kinds of directives,” according to Nona Jordan, a coach who’s known as the “business yogini” and helps female entrepreneurs improve their business. Instead, she thinks of resolutions as intentions. “An intention is an aim — a direction in which we are moving. There is no set point or date by which to achieve.”

Connect with your “why.”
Ask yourself, “Why do you want what you want?” Jordan said. Again, if your answer includes a “should” or a “have to,” scrap the goal. “When we have an intention that is a deep desire and we can identify and stay connected to that WHY, it makes for meaningful and achievable resolutions that create happiness in our lives and the lives of those around us.“

Get out of your own way.
Just setting an intention isn’t enough if deep down you don’t think you can accomplish it in the first place, according to John Duffy, Ph.D, clinical psychologist and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism in Raising Teens and Tweens. He said, “Perhaps the biggest misconception is that a good intention can overcome lifelong habits of thought and behavior.”
Duffy’s “favorite writer, Wayne Dyer, suggests in The Power of Intention that positive change comes not from pushing through with determination and perseverance, but rather through getting out of your own way.” This means “clearing up any negative thought patterns we carry about ourselves, or our capacity for change,” Duffy said.

So how can you get out of your own way?

First, according to Duffy, it’s important to understand how negative thoughts “drive our beliefs and behaviors.” To do this, keep a journal of both your negative and positive thoughts throughout the day along with the behavior that followed. “We typically find that positive, internal ‘self-talk’ drives positive behavior, and that the opposite is true for negative self-talk,” he said.

Then, replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Negative thoughts are rarely accurate and only serve to sabotage us. Duffy helps his clients either to embrace positive thoughts or to “fake it ‘til they make it,” as he puts it.

He also suggested Dyer’s Excuses Begone! to help readers with changing their thoughts. If you’re still struggling, consider seeing a cognitive-behavioral therapist or life coach, Duffy said.

Think of a theme.
Every year Jordan creates a theme, or “a one- or two-word mantra that supports me in moving towards being more of the person I want to be.” She writes the theme down and puts it in a visible place — especially helpful during challenging times.
For 2010, Jordan’s theme was “Lean In,” which she discussed in a recent blog post. This signified “leaning into the good, the uncomfortable, and the scary. Revealing and being more authentically who I am meant to be in the world.”

Set goals that are in line with your values.
A “strong resolution with a solid chance for success bridges that gap between values and action,” according to Duffy. So first identify your core values, he said. (If you need help, you can find tools online.) Take your top five and use them to create a personal mission statement. Then set your New Year’s goals based on that statement.
An example: “To participate in enjoyable physical activities three times weekly in order to feel strong, boost my mood and improve my overall sense of health and wellbeing.”

Ditch deprivation.
People tend to approach New Year’s resolutions from a place of deprivation, restriction and punishment. The quintessential example is wanting to lose weight. People turn to diets or difficult-to-maintain intense exercise — both of which are the antithesis of lasting habits. (Plus, diets don’t work, and here, here and here is why.)
“If we want to feel healthier, maybe we’ll start moving our body in ways that feel good to us and paying attention to what foods make us feel energized and healthy,” Jordan said. This way, “we aren’t in deprivation and discipline mode, but our energy and action can align with our intention in a positive, supportive way,” she added.

Remember that your goals shouldn’t be “trying and uncomfortable, but exactly the way you want this part of your life to look and feel like,” Duffy said.

Check in with yourself.
Jordan has her clients set weekly intentions, which they assess at the end of each week. “Very compassionately look at what went wrong and celebrate successes. From that place of clarity, you can set intentions for the coming week,” she said. Don’t think you have the time? As Jordan said, we spend more hours planning a vacation than we do planning our actions.
Chop up each goal. Big goals are overwhelming, so sit down and consider the “ridiculously easy mini-steps” that you can take, Jordan said. Make sure they’re “reasonable and attainable,” Duffy said.
Pitch perfection. Too-high expectations paralyze people, ensuring that you’re too overwhelmed to start or maintain your goals. Jordan teaches her clients that we’re all “perfect in our imperfection.” She explained that, “In yoga, and in many other philosophical traditions, the belief is that we are innately perfect and our job is to ‘come home’ to that. Therefore, setting goals and taking action in that direction is about returning to and merging with our natural state of wholeness.”
To help you in overcoming perfectionistic tendencies, check out our articles on 10 steps to conquer perfectionism and five additional perfection-busting pointers.

Create a goal-friendly environment.
A common hurdle in accomplishing our goals is creating the settings and circumstances that cultivate them, according to Duffy, who also explained that “a resolution that results in real change requires a shift in priorities.” In other words, if you want to write the great American novel, make time in your day to write. Buy the supplies you need. Seek a quiet spot in your house. Get a babysitter for the allotted time so you’re better able to concentrate on creating.

New Year’s goals get a bad rap mostly because we set restrictive resolutions that don’t honor our values or ourselves. We set resolutions hastily, minutes before the ball drops, without considering what we truly want. This year, let the above tips help you create nourishing, positive and lasting goals.

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Holiday Stress: A Resourceful Survivor's Guide

11/21/2017

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By Sherrie Mcgregor, Ph.D. on PsychCentral

The holidays are supposed to be joyous occasions marked by meaningful traditions, family connections, spiritual rejuvenation and just plain fun. Instead, for many people, they’re hectic times filled with stress, depression and shiny new possessions that won’t be paid off until March.

“It’s no small feat to try to fit a whole year’s worth of passion and generosity into a couple of days,” says Mariana Caplan, M.A., a counselor from Fairfax, California. Add family conflicts, time constraints and budget concerns, and you’ve got a recipe for temporary insanity.

Jingle-jangled nerves

There are plenty of signs that Scroogitis is epidemic. Consider the emergence of holiday stress management workshops and books. “I don’t know that many people who look forward to the holidays for any reason other than having time off from work,” says Caplan, author of When Holidays Are Hell…! A Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings (Hohm Press). “Holidays are all about rituals, and rituals are meant to create meaning for people. Nowadays, though, holidays often revolve around obligations, expectations, and meaningless going through the motions.” It’s no wonder that people often end up feeling tired and disappointed rather than renewed.

“It’s no small feat to try to fit a whole year’s worth of passion and generosity into a couple of days.”

An October 2000 survey on this issue was conducted for Xylo, a company that sets up private Web-based networks to meet the lifestyle needs of corporate employees. In a national random sample of 625 employed adults, the most often cited sources of holiday stress or anxiety were shopping, lack of time and expense. Despite the stereotype that most of the burden falls on women, the survey found that the sexes reported feeling nearly equal amounts of pressure. For example, 25% of women named gift shopping as their top stressor, compared to 20% of men.

But how bad can it get? A 1999 study, published in the American Heart Association journal Circulation, found a sharp increase in the number of cardiac deaths starting around Thanksgiving and rising steadily until around New Year’s Day, when the number dropped off again. Previous researchers have found similar trends, which they sometimes attributed to cold weather. However, the death records analyzed for this study came from sunny Southern California. Robert Kloner, MD, PhD, lead author of the study, thinks it’s very possible that the holidays may play a role. “Not only are many people under more stress, but they also may overindulge. They tend to eat more food, drink more alcohol and take in more salt this time of year” Says Kloner.

It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Below, several experts offer advice on finding a remedy for the “bah, humbug!” bug.

The gift of sanity

It may be better to give than to receive, but it’s easy to forget that sentiment when you’ve just spent three hours braving the mob at your local mall. “Gifts are actually meant to be symbols of love,” says Caplan. In a consumer-oriented society, however, this sweet idea is easily perverted into the stress of excess. Says Caplan, “People spend an enormous amount of time and energy roaming the stores or flipping through catalogs in a desperate attempt to demonstrate love to their families.” They also spend a vast amount of money, which often means starting the new year in debt.

The irony is that fancy, expensive gifts may mean more to the giver than to the receiver. This is most apparent with children. “One or two gifts that don’t even have to cost much will totally satisfy them,” says Caplan. “When you overwhelm children with too many gifts, they get caught up in the materialistic frenzy of the adults, tearing the gifts open, then tossing them aside. Fifty gifts may not be as satisfying to them as a set of cookie cutters for making cookies in the afternoon.”

In contrast to costly trinkets, young and old alike almost always appreciate gifts of time and attention. “You might give your child an IOU for pitching a baseball or playing at the park, or your spouse an IOU for a back rub,” says Dorothea Lack, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist from San Francisco who runs groups to help people cope with holiday blues. Handmade gifts also show how much you care, and making them is an effective stress reliever for many people.

Not-so-great expectations

Bloated gift lists are just a symptom of the larger ailment of overblown holiday expectations. “Some people think they have to create a fantasy situation that is unattainable by anyone,” says Lack. “When their life can’t live up to the fantasy, they may feel disappointment and sometimes depression.”

Lack says unrealistic sugarplum fantasies usually have their roots in childhood. Some people who feel they missed out on holiday fun as children—for example, because their family was too poor to buy many gifts or because a parent was alcoholic or absent—may go overboard trying to make up for it as adults. At the other extreme, some people who come from an affluent family may feel inadequate when they can’t give their children the same kind of lavish holidays they had.

Create traditions that suit your family

The solution, says Lack, is simple: “Keep your expectations grounded in reality.” Give up your fantasy of a Norman Rockwell scene around the table or a commercial wonderland under the tree. “Instead, put some effort into creating new traditions that suit your real-life family and budget,” says Lack. “Sit down and think about what would please your family as a unit.” For example, you might want to all go ice-skating or watch a favorite movie together. Whatever you do, keep the focus on people rather than things, and realize that not everything has to be perfect.

Allow enough time for rest and relaxation, too. “Many people overextend themselves trying to prepare for something wonderful, to the point where they deprive themselves of normal self-care,” says Lack. As a result, they get tired and run down, making it nearly impossible for them to actually enjoy the big day. When people feel harried, they also are more likely to eat too much rich food and drink too much alcohol in an effort to give themselves an artificial boost. Unfortunately, the result of this misguided strategy is that they just wind up feeling worse.

Away for the holidays: a radical suggestion

For many people, the prospect of going home for the holidays ranks high on their seasonal stress list. “A lot of family visits take place out of habit and a sense of obligation,” says Caplan. “However, when everybody is acting based on shoulds and obligation, nobody finds much deep satisfaction.”

Caplan’s radical suggestion: Ask yourself whether you really want to go home this year. “If it works to go home, by all means do so, but sometimes you’re better off not going. Lots of mature people who love their families very much still decide to skip the trip.”

Breaking the news to family members takes some tact, however. “If you try to explain that you’re not going home because the family neurosis is going to set you back years in therapy, they probably will misunderstand and feel hurt and upset,” says Caplan. “It’s fine to tell them that you can’t take off work, have other plans, or can’t afford the trip.” It may help to set an alternate date for a visit at a less stressful time. If you do, though, be sure to follow through on your promise.

Caplan stresses that it’s perfectly okay to skip a family visit just because you want to. However, if you still need to justify the decision in your own mind, she says these are some good reasons to not go home for the hell-idays:

if you or your chosen lifestyle will be the main course at the meal
if you have emotionally or physically abusive relatives
if you can’t leave the past behind to enjoy the present
if you are motivated to visit purely out of guilt
if you really can’t afford the trip
if it will take you more than three days to recover from the visit.
Ho-ho-home, sweet home

Of course, many folks still opt to spend the holidays with family, neuroses and all. If you fall into this group, the most important thing you can bring to the celebration is not a gaily wrapped package or a molded salad, but a big reservoir of good cheer.

“This is not the time to work out the last decade’s worth of pain,” says Tian Dayton, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Caron Foundation, an addiction treatment center, in New York City. Even if you arrive relaxed and calm, chances are some of your relatives are under-rested and overstressed. As a result, says Dayton, “it’s too volatile a situation to try to air something that is bothering you. Save it for January.”

That’s easier to say than do, however. In many families, the holidays are marred by the same arguments and conflicts year after year. If that’s the case in your family, Dayton recommends that you take a hard look at the role you’re playing in the family dynamic. “Make a list with two columns,” she says. “Put the pros of the role you play in one column and the cons in the other column. Then figure out how you can maximize the advantages while minimizing the disadvantages.”

As an example, consider the youngest sibling in a family. Even though she’s an adult now, people still treat her like the baby when she goes home. The advantages are that she gets lots of attention and affection, and other family members don’t expect her to help out as much as everybody else. The disadvantages are that she feels as if no one will ever let her grow up or take her seriously.

In this situation, Dayton says, “The person might want to take a more proactive approach to being helpful—maybe offer to bring a dish or decoration. She also might want to invite a friend who treats her as a grown-up, which can alter the family dynamic.” In addition, she can watch her own behavior for signs that she is slipping back into the familiar, but now inappropriate, childhood role. Then she can substitute more appropriate behavior.

The less-than-perfect family

Of course, you are only one chapter in your family story. Many people have at least one relative who always seems to get belligerent or drunk at family gatherings. You can plot ahead with other relatives to try to steer Uncle Bob away from dangerous topics of conversation or Aunt Marge away from the booze. However, there is only so much you can do. “If somebody is out of control or drunk, they’re in an irrational state,” says Dayton. “It’s pointless to try to reason with them then.”

If you anticipate that things may get tense despite your best efforts, plan an escape route, says Dayton. “Don’t overexpose yourself to the situation. Bring your own car so you can leave when you’re ready. If you’re visiting from out of town, consider staying in a motel, so you have your own safe space to retreat to.”

Home alone?


For some people, the problem with the holidays is not family, but the lack thereof. Loneliness seems to be particularly oppressive at this time of year. Find something to do, says Dayton, whether it is volunteering at a homeless shelter or taking a vacation. If you stay home, think of other people you know who may be in the same boat. Then invite them over for dinner or another activity, such as watching a parade. And if someone else extends a welcome invitation, “By all means, accept it graciously,” adds Dayton. “Don’t be shy about participating in another family’s rituals.”

Holiday grief

‘Tis the season to be jolly, but not for everyone. Those who have recently lost a loved one often find that grief is felt particularly acutely during the holidays. If this is the first Thanksfiving or Hanukkah or Christmas since the person’s death, it may be especially tough, says John Welshons, M.A., a grief counselor from Little Falls, New Jersay, and author of Awakening From Grief: Finding the Road Back to Joy.

“The key to coping with grief is to not pretend that things are the same as they used to be. Try to bring some honesty to this difficult situation.”Every family needs to find their own way of doing this, however. For some, the best approach may be to restructure the holiday experience, by doing something different or traveling someplace new. For others, though, the opposite approach feels right.

Welshons says some families even put a photograph of the deceased in his or her chair at the table—”Not as a way of clinging to the past, but as a way of recognizing the change in the family in the present.” Other ways of memorializing the deceased include putting up his or her favorite ornament or visiting the grave. Says Welshons, “Such gestures may help people find a new way to connect in their hearts with the loved one now that he or she is no longer with them physically.”

Whatever approach is taken, Welshons says that family members need to accept that some sadness is probably inevitable and talk about what they’re going through. “Trying to create a false atmosphere of fun and frivolity just creates a sense of unreality that adds to the stress.” When family members are struggling with their own grief, they may not always be open to an honest sharing of emotion. In such cases, a friend, counselor, or support group can provide a sympathetic ear and much-needed emotional support.

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The Season of the Have-To's

11/21/2017

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Published by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.E on PsychCentral

Small talk turned to intense talk when I spoke with the members of a local women’s group. When I asked about holiday planning, what came back was a flood of anxiety. “No sooner is Halloween over, and I have to start getting ready for Thanksgiving,” said one.

“Yeah, and then there are the winter holidays,” said another.

“Tis the season of the ‘have-to’s,’” joked another.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

That prompted a chorus of “I have to decorate”; “ I have to cook”; “I have to clean”; “ I have to buy presents”; “I have to wrap them”; “I have to decorate the house”; “I have to spend time with people I don’t want to spend time with”; “ I have to go to the office party”; “ I have to send out cards”; “ I have to hold our annual neighborhood party”; “ I have to!”; “I have to”; “ I have to”; “ I have to…”

“Whoa!” I said. “That doesn’t sound a bit like fun. In fact, it sounds like a prescription for exhaustion and resentment. Let’s rethink the “have-to’s.” Once everyone took a deep breath, this group of creative and caring women came up with some ways to put the brakes on all those “have-to’s.”

Put things in perspective by separating the “have-to’s” from the want-to’s. If we’re honest, there are lots of parts of the holiday season that we would miss if they didn’t happen. You may feel, for example, that you “have to” put on a big Thanksgiving meal but, truth is, you do enjoy the yearly get-together of the whole clan.

Focusing on the work involved is what makes the meal into a “have-to” instead of a pleasure. By shifting our thinking to the positives and by asking for some help (see below), we can celebrate the traditions that bring us together.

Do a reality check. Do you really “have to” bake six kinds of pies for Thanksgiving? Will the world really end if you bake only two? Do you really “have to” creatively wrap every holiday gift with tender loving care or will gift bags do? Do you really “have to” visit both sets of grandparents on Christmas Day or can you spread the visits out over the week? Will it ruin Christmas if you send out an email holiday letter instead of cards? Probably not.

Believing we “have to” do things in a perfectly perfect way or to meet others’ standards quickly transforms a want to into a “have-to.” Instead, let yourself think of ways to reduce the “have-to” tasks so you can enjoy the season:

Consider paper plates instead of fine china — unless part of the pleasure of the season is bringing out great-grandmother’s dishes, in which case it’s a “want-to.”
Only pull out decorations that really delight your family.
Limit the Hanukkah celebration to one festive night and simply light the candles with the blessings on the other seven.
Enlist everyone’s cooperation to limit the number of people to buy for. Some families only give gifts to children. Others draw a name out of the hat at Thanksgiving and only buy a gift for that one person instead of purchasing presents for the whole gang. Such decisions reduce the financial and emotional stress for everyone.
If you just can’t see your way clear to cutting things out or cutting them down to size, there are other ways to reduce the “have-to’s.”

Ask for help. Few of us have a staff of five to help stage the holiday meals or get-togethers. Lacking a cook, maid, butler and cleanup squad, many people simply sigh and do it all themselves. It’s exhausting. It sucks the pleasure out of the event when we have to worry about doing everything from the decorating to the meal to the cleanup.

Ask the family to spend an evening decorating the house. Make the meal potluck. Ask a select few to stay late and help you clean up. (Some of my best conversations with friends and family have happened over the dishpan when everyone else said “good night.”) Asking for help doesn’t make you a poor host or hostess. It makes you a sane one.

Accept help. Don’t be a martyr. If someone says they will bring deep fried kumquats for dinner, say an enthusiastic thank you. If someone else wants to bring their favorite vegan, free-range tofu, the proper response is “Delighted to have it!” No, the meal won’t be color- and taste-coordinated, but so what? The offerings will be part of the adventure and the people who like those sorts of things won’t feel deprived.

If people offer to stay for cleanup, don’t shoo them out the door. Express your appreciation and give them a specific task to do. As my grandma used to say, “Many hands make light work.” If everyone does a little, you don’t have to do a lot. And everyone can feel good about being good to you.

Taking charge of “have-to’s” frees us up to do what is really important during the holiday season. Cut down on the time spent running around and feeling stressed and you can do the things that you really like to do to make the season special. You don’t “have to,” but you might want to bake cookies or read holiday stories with your children or grandchildren instead of putting up every decoration you’ve accumulated. You don’t “have to,” but you might want to spend more time with friends instead of going to the mall.

Whichever winter holiday you and yours celebrate, free yourself of as many of the “have-to’s” as you can. Give yourself the gift of time to do the things you want to do to affirm the true meaning of the season.

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Managing Unhappy Relatives at Holiday Time

10/27/2017

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Published by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Almost all families seem to have at least one member who has made a career of being unhappy. In their distress, these people accuse, complain, sigh, and make it difficult for others to enjoy the moment. In their misery, it’s hard for them to let others be happy. In their loneliness and pain, they seem to do everything possible to stay lonely.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, you’re probably dreading the fact that the cousin or aunt or in-law who always casts a pall on holiday get-togethers is going to be at your table again. You’re not looking forward to making small talk with someone who can make even the weather seem like a personal tragedy. It’s tempting to not invite such folks to family gatherings. It’s tempting to stay away yourself. But the bonds of family are such that to do either of those things just doesn’t seem right. To give in to these temptations feels like letting the bad stuff in the world win. Let’s talk about what you can do instead.

Merely “Down” or Really Depressed?

Some people do seem to look at the world through “dark, cloud-colored glasses.” Unlike the rose-colored kind, these glasses make everything look impossible, disappointing, or hopeless. People who wear them seem like they can’t be talked out of what they see or talked into taking them off. People who seem to be wearing them all the time are depressed.

It’s very important to distinguish between someone who is temporarily “down” and someone who is suffering from clinical depression. People who are “down” respond to the concern of family and friends and some common sense cheering up. Clinical depression is a serious mental disorder that needs professional treatment as well as the support of a loving family. “Down” usually has some “ups” throughout the day; depression is pervasive and affects the whole day. “Down” is usually related to a specific event; depression is a cloud that settles over someone’s entire life.

If you think a relative is clinically depressed, maybe it’s time for the family to face it together and to gently speak to that person about getting some professional treatment. Modern medicine, coupled with psychotherapy, usually can help.

Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes (and certainly not in time for Thanksgiving this year). It generally takes at least a month of taking medication to make a difference and many more months of psychotherapy to learn how to handle depression and prevent it from dominating one’s life. But even knowing that someone has begun treatment can help both that individual and the family. There’s some comfort to be found it knowing that someone is finally doing something about the problem.

Tips for Managing Unhappy or Depressed Relatives

Regardless of whether an unhappy or depressed relative is in treatment, he or she can still make the day less than enjoyable for everyone else. Here are some tried and true ideas for preventing one person’s negativity from ruining everyone else’s day:

Find compassion within yourself for this person. 
After all, here is someone who is partaking of the emotional feast that holidays offer and is still starving for compassionate attention. Do offer your heartfelt sympathy. Don’t get into an argument about whether the person really has things to be thankful for—it’s pointless. Even if he or she can acknowledge the truth of it, it won’t help him or her feel any better—and, pretty soon, you’re in an argument!
Strategize ahead of time.
It’s not new information that so-and-so is critical and impossible. Think about ways you can excuse yourself from the situation when you need a breather. (There’s always the bathroom.)
Talk to other family members about taking turns being the ear for the difficult relative. (It’s unfair to let anyone bear the brunt of it for a whole day.) Arrange ahead of time to have a distraction or two available. How about a new jigsaw puzzle to work on or new board game for everyone to play while waiting for dinner? How about a family-friendly video?

It’s hard to be active and depressed.
Organize a hike or a walk after dinner. Touch football, raking the leaves, or tumbling with little kids is incompatible with the blues. Exercise releases endorphins, the natural antidote to depression.
Eliminate alcohol from family festivities. 
If you can’t eliminate it altogether, at least reduce it. Although many people have the idea that drinking makes them feel better, it can have the opposite effect — especially for people fighting depression. Depressed people who drink become more depressed.

Gently refuse to join in the negativity.
It’s so easy to find things to complain about. And it at least gives you something to talk about with the person who no one wants to talk to. (Misery does love company.) But this type of complaining tends to feed on itself and grow. Next thing you know, you’ll be feeling as bad as the person who started it!

Most important, quietly count your own blessings.
If you are one of those lucky enough not to have ever been depressed, you are fortunate indeed. If you once were depressed, you know how lucky you really are. Every day is a wonderful gift and every person in it who loves us (especially the depressed ones who have to struggle so hard to be in life with us) is part of that gift.
Remember, an unhappy or depressed relative doesn’t have to spoil your mood or that of the entire family, nor ruin the day. You have a choice about how you can react to such moods and such people, and you can choose to politely engage them in limited conversation. But then focus your attention and enjoyment on the holiday fun and family who are enjoying the company of one another.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!



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Being Grateful Despite Challenges

10/27/2017

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Published by Annabella Hagen, LCSW, RPT-S on PsychCentral

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There are times when we may feel like we cannot be grateful about anything in our lives. Losing a job or feeling burned out can contribute to one’s negative attitude. Experiencing financial losses or not being able to make ends meet can hurt deeply. Enduring physical or mental health challenges can drive us to feel hopeless. Missing a loved one, seeing one’s child suffer, and relationship difficulties could be additional reasons to feel apathetic.

The list can go on, but research shows that it’s possible to change our perspective despite life’s hardships. We can change our brain chemistry toward feeling more at peace with ourselves and become more grateful. Consider the following points:

“There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient.” This common advice is given when friends and family are struggling. It can be helpful. However, some may say, “I keep looking for that light, but it’s nowhere in sight!” Indeed, life takes us through dark tunnels and sometimes we aren’t sure when we’ll ever see the light. Impatience and despair may result when we choose to focus on waiting. It’s wiser to adjust to the dark and find other alternatives.

Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” We can decide to focus on what we can control and what matters. How we react to the dark tunnels is our choice.

Research also indicates that when individuals let go of their negativity and are able to shift their focus, they become resilient. Stress and adversity can be beneficial, but only if we believe it is. Consider these three questions to help you maintain a more positive attitude:

What is something positive that I can learn about this unpleasant experience?
How can this situation help me become more resilient?
What will I learn that will enable me to help others?
Can you accept your reality or are you in denial? Sometimes we create a composite of what life ought to be based on what we think others have. It isn’t fair for us to compare our lives with that of others because we’ll never know every detail about them. It’s not useful and can only take us on a downward spiral.

The more we dwell on what we don’t have, the more frustrated and negative we can become. Sometimes we need to accept a loss — what we don’t have at that moment. This doesn’t mean giving up. It means we need to accept what is and do our best with what we have. We can be ready to take what comes our way.

The all-or-nothing thinking pattern may lead us to believe that if we don’t have what we want, it must mean we can’t attain joy and happiness until we do. Emotional reasoning is another thinking error that creates the belief that something must be true because it feels so. Feeling sad, frustrated and disappointed doesn’t mean life has to be that way. When we focus only on the negative details and keep dwelling on them instead of noticing the positive aspects of our lives, we may be experiencing tunnel vision. This thinking error will also impair our ability to become grateful.

Studies regarding oxytocin tell us that this hormone helps us crave for physical contact with our family and friends. It enhances our empathy and helps us support those we care about. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist, says that oxytocin also is released when we experience difficulties and stress. She reminds us that oxytocin prompts us to connect with others.

Simply put, physiologically, we are not meant to be alone when we are under stress. Unfortunately, our thinking errors may cloud our mind, and we may choose to isolate ourselves. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Being physically near our loved ones may not be possible right when we need them. Mindfully thinking about them can still be beneficial. Linda Graham, MFT and author of “Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being,” says that when we experience difficult situations, we can take a few seconds to think of several people whom we would like to have near us at that time. We can imagine them being fully present and supportive.

Additionally, you can think of someone who makes you laugh or smile. Remember someone who would appreciate a phone call, a text, or a visit. What would you tell them? What would they say? Think of someone you admire and respect. That person may or may not be alive. An historical figure also could be an option. What would this person’s advice be at this time? Think about it, take it in, and carry on.

You might consider keeping a gratitude journal. This is a well-known, effective tool to increase gratitude. Scheduling your writing before bedtime is helpful. Start with small, positive aspects of your day. Is it a smile from a stranger, barely catching the bus, a phone call, not having to wait in line at the store, a quote you read that inspired you? Notice the good in every situation. What is there now that you didn’t notice before?

Starting with small deeds and circumstances can help you see the big picture. As you continue to decrease your thinking errors and connect with the people that matter, you’ll be able to endure life’s difficulties. As you do, you’ll become more resilient. You’ll be able to appreciate whatever comes your way and be grateful.
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7 Ways to Practice Gratitude When You're Feeling Depressed

10/23/2017

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Published by Sharon Martin, LCSW on PsychCentral
​

Are you feeling down and not particularly grateful this Thanksgiving?

Well, you’re not the only one who can’t muster that grateful feeling. Depression, sadness, grief, and loneliness can make it difficult to do much of anything at times. When you’re depressed, you tend to focus on the negatives.

Perhaps you’re out of work or dreading seeing your high-conflict family. Or maybe you’re grieving or struggling with physical or mental health problems. You may be worried about terrorism and the general unpredictability of our world. Unfortunately, our problems don’t just disappear because it’s a holiday. When things are going wrong and you’re struggling, it’s hard to feel thankful.

Why bother practicing gratitude?

Finding something to be grateful for can feel like an awful lot of work. So, why bother?

Gratitude won’t cure chronic depression or a broken heart, but it may help ease your pain just a bit. Gratitude can provide hope. According to John Harrison, MA, LPCC, “Gratitude in moments of despair might simply be an awareness that your despair isn’t going to consume you.” And Jennifer Owens, LCSW, LMT, CPT,  adds that “Gratitude reminds you of what you still have left and takes your mind off (if even for a moment) the pain you are suffering.”

I decided to consult mental health and relationship experts to provide you with some strategies for practicing gratitude when you’re feeling depressed. They each offer a different perspective and I hope at least one of them will spark your interest in gratitude as a useful part of feeling better.

 1. Find something that doesn’t hurt

Shifting your focus away from your physical pain can provide a different source for gratitude. “When you are feeling physical pain (like body aches with depression or stomach aches with anxiety) find one part of your body that doesn’t hurt and tell it thank you! Repeat the phrase out loud, ‘I am grateful for my big toe, that doesn’t bother me and helps me to walk,’ ” recommends Owens.

2. Connect with others

Harrison suggests that instead of specifically focusing on gratitude,  you can “make a conscious effort to connect to others: people you love, family, a trusted friend, a support group.  Just focus on connecting and being present with them without an expectation of any result.”

3. Remember a time when someone was kind to you

“Think about a few times people have helped you and shown you true kindness,” encourages Ruth Spalding, LMSW. “Maybe you remember the time you had a rough day and someone was very kind to you in helping you navigate some bureaucratic process and you can still remember how relieved you felt because you were on the verge of tears. Maybe you remember a teacher taking time out of their lunch hour to go over an assignment when you were a kid and really struggling.”

4. What can you learn?

We all know that growth can happen as a result of struggle, but that doesn’t make it any easier when we’re in the middle of something overwhelming or painful. Lorena Duncan, LMFT, challenges you to change your thinking when dealing with negative or toxic people. She says, “I’ve found it helpful to reflect on them  as my Noble Adversaries and ask myself, ‘What are they here to teach me? What am I supposed to learn?'”

5. Express it

You can also give your mood a boost by expressing your appreciation for others. Owens suggests, “Call, text or email someone you are close to just to tell them to have a good day or that they are an amazing person. You could even thank them for being alive or compliment them on something you admire.”

Expressing gratitude for your ex is a tall order. Nicol Stolar-Peterson, a child custody evaluator, encourages parents to send videos or pictures of their child to the parent who doesn’t have visitation that holiday. She finds this can “build upon empathy, for not only the sake of the child, but for the sake of the parent. Gratitude for another parent, even when things have gone horribly wrong, creates an opportunity for growth.”

6. Focus externally

Renee Beck, LMFT, provides this useful mindfulness exercise: “I’m grateful for this hot cup of tea. What is right in front of you? Chances are, there is something on your desk that holds some beauty. I am grateful for the texture of this old, wood desk. No? Nothing catches your eye? Look further. I am grateful for the small ray of sunlight coming in the window. No sun? Look out the window, or open the door. I am grateful for the smell of fresh air. Are there any plants or trees nearby? I am grateful for that shade of green. Is it cold? I am grateful for the warmth of this blanket around my shoulders.  Most gratitude exercises ask you to write three to five things you are grateful for; we just wrote six. Done! Our gratefulness can be accessed by little things throughout the day.”

 7. Pay it forward

Even in your struggles, you probably realize there are people less fortunate. Angelica Shiels, Psy.D. shares her personal experience: “When I was in college, feeling sorry for myself because the only things I could afford were my disgusting apartment and ramen noodles, I drove across the country to volunteer (and live) in a homeless shelter for ten days. Suddenly I became very grateful.” Even if you can’t give that much of your time, volunteering for a couple hours or buying a homeless person a hot cup of coffee on a cold morning is a win-win.

Now it’s your turn. How will you stretch beyond your depressed mood and try to practice gratitude?
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Why Realistic Hope is Important in Healing and Self-Improvement

9/20/2017

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Published by Darius Cikanavicius on PsychCentral

​
In the context of healing and self-improvement, there is a popular term that’s often tossed around: hope. However, rarely do people—including experts—talk about it in depth or even define it in any objective or coherent way. In this article, we will do exactly that. We will look at what this term entails and how to make more sense of it.

Definitions

When people say hope, they usually mean two things. If you look at the definition, it says that hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen, or an optimistic attitude of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large.

So there are two important aspects of it. One, an expectation for something to happen. And two, wanting for something positive to happen.

That’s the popular definition of it. Now, what does it all mean in terms of healing and personal growth?

Optimistic hope

Let’s talk about the most popular concept first: having a positive attitude towards the process you are going through and the result you are wishing for.

Many say that it is important to have hope, to think optimistically, to believe that you will be okay, and that everything will be fine. It’s easy to see that this mindset can be beneficial. When we feel lost, confused, hurt, self-doubtful, hope helps us feel better. It helps us keep going. It helps us not give up.

However, what is not often discussed are the negative effects of these beliefs. Yes, it can comfort us when we are on the right path, but it isn’t a universal rule because not everyone is on the right path.

That’s the problem with “positive thinking,” “optimism,” and similar attitudes: not every story has a happy ending, and some paths are better than others. Doing whatever you feel like doing and “hoping for the best” is not necessarily helpful. In many cases, it’s quite the opposite since you are abandoning self-agency in the process and acting inefficiently or even self-destructively.

For example, there are many people who severely lack self-responsibility, so they live their life passively. They think that whatever is happening in their life is because of some outside forces, be it destiny, stars, universe, god(s), karma, etc. And so they live their life unconsciously and do whatever by justifying it as “life happening because of [insert an outside force here]” instead of seeing themselves as being responsible for that life and having control over how it is.

So for many people in many scenarios, the term hope simply means I want this to happen but it is not necessarily tied to my personal agency and factual reality, or I want it but I don’t want to do what’s necessary to achieve it, so I’ll just hope for it.

In psychology, this is sometimes called wishful thinking or magical thinking or even delusion. It can help us feel good, but as you may have already figured out, the fact that you feel good doesn’t necessarily mean that things are okay.

Hoping for the best is not enough to get better, and it doesn’t necessarily result in actually getting better. It’s just something you would like to happen, which actually may or may not happen, depending on numerous factors and variables.

Realistic hope and pessimism

The other aspect of hope is expectation. It is not just a blind wish, but rather an estimation or a prediction based on your interpretation of reality. Having realistic expectations is much more important that having “good feelings.” So if you are overly positive about your progress or prognosis, you will only fall harder when it doesn’t go the way you “hoped” for.

However, a lot of people often stumble into a mindset that’s opposite to optimism: pessimism.

Here, a person might say, “It’s not going to work because of this, this, and this.” Or, “What’s the point of me trying so hard and still not getting where I want to be.”

While sometimes it’s objectively true, oftentimes a person simply thinks they are being realistic but they are simply being pessimistic and using it as an excuse to quit or not to try harder. Here, they also abandon self-agency.

What’s the best attitude then?

If we understand hope as two main elements that are positivity and realistic expectation, then we can summarize it with the following spectrum.

Pessimism <–> Realism <–> Optimism

In my opinion, the healthiest mindset is to understand what you’re going through, to have a direction, to focus on your process, to periodically check on your progress, and do so in a positively-realistic manner. A good example of that is framing your situation positively yet realistically.

For instance, you could tell yourself that you will succeed no matter what (optimism). But how do you know that? Since it’s not verifiable, you don’t really believe it and may feel even worse because you are trying to convince yourself of something that isn’t verifiable and therefore highly doubtful.

The same situation occurs if you tell yourself that you will fail and there is no point of even trying (pessimism). You don’t know that. But just by trying, your chance of success—whatever it means to you here—is at least above zero percent. If you don’t even try, unless something random or out of your control happens, the chance of success is factually zero.

In contrast, you might tell yourself, “You are not alone struggling with this,” which is verifiable and true. This statement will give you a perspective that you are not alone in this world with your problems, which often alleviates anxiety. Or, “I am not where I want to be, but so far I have achieved this, and that seems to be working for me,” which is also true and empowering.

So, instead of deluding yourself with “positive thoughts” or feeling stuck in a helpless and passive state, recognize your self-responsibility in a realistic way and look for realistic solutions.

The truth is that not everyone achieves what they want to achieve. At the same time, all of us have our own problems. A lot of those problems are similar among us. There are various solutions for those problems. Some of them are more known than others. Some of them work better than others. Nobody can tell you what approach to take because you have to make your own choices.

However, a lot of people are able overcome many of their problems, or at least make them bearable. Indeed, even the problems that you probably have and that sometimes appear unsolvable. It doesn’t mean that you will, too—but it means that there is realistic hope for it.


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Science Says: 7 Reasons You Can Be Healthier While Single

4/8/2016

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Published by  Aly Walansky for YourTango.com

Sweet deal, singletons!
Being in a relationship just to be in a relationship isn’t a good enough reason, no matter how badly you need to feel “complete,” or fill that facet of your life.
​

Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess, says, “I don’t believe that it’s universally healthier to be single just as it’s not universally healthier to be in a relationship. What’s healthy for you will depend on your unique situation — your age, relationship history, emotional health, social style, personal inclination…”

So, what are the benefits of being single?

1. You Get More Exercise.
You may have read recent headlines touting marriage as the cure-all for everything from heart disease to depression, but when you look more closely at some of the research, there’s a strong body that suggests staying single can also be very good for your health.
“A study of 13,000 Americans aged 18 to 64 found that those who have never been married get more exercise than all other relationship categories (divorced/separated, married or widowed) regardless of age and gender. Since exercise is positively correlated with a host of positive health measures including positive mood, high energy levels, favorable sleep patterns, improved cardiovascular fitness and even sexual functioning, it seems that singles are onto something good!” says Dr. Jess.

2. You Take Better Care of Yourself.
Dr. Jess says, “When you compare health data of currently married women to those who have always been single (never married), the results may vary.
For instance, in one study that looked at six health measures (overall health, chronic health conditions, acute conditions, number of days with restricted activities, days spent in bed because of health problems, and number of doctor visits), always-single women scored the same as married women on three measures and higher on the other three (overall health, bed disability days and doctors visits).
Singlism exists (just ask any single woman who attends a family function or wedding without a date) and it’s likely that researchers are confronted with similar biases.”
In fact, a 2013 study in Health Psychology revealed that those who are married and happy are more likely to gain weight in the four years after getting married. Hence, the always-touted “letting themselves go” we hear about.

3. You Try Harder Socially.
“Some experts suggest that single people may be more resilient and may form stronger social networks than married people, as they may look for additional opportunities to socialize,” says Dr. Jess.

4. You Eat Healthier.
“While there is plenty of science to back up the benefits of being in a relationship, being in an unhealthy, toxic, depressing, or divorce-doomed relationship is worse for both your mind and body.
Unhealthy and unhappy relationships can lead to a variety of hurtful habits and head spaces, including comfort feasting (eating everything and packing on the pounds because you need a “friend”) and control fasting (using food avoidance as a way to control something, anything, in your life),” says dating coach and sex expert, Laurel House.

5. Your Friendships Last Longer.
We may not intend for it to happen, but when we get married, many of our friendships fall to the sidelines. Your priority becomes your mate, and your family.
That’s fine, but the flip side is that single people are better at maintaining and keeping friendships, and thus, are better friends. If you have groups of important people in your life to count on, your life isn’t as shattered if “the one” is no longer around.

6. You End Up With Less Debt.
While money doesn’t equate with health or happiness, debt is sure as hell stressful. It turns out that single people tend to have less debt. If money problems are massive causes of stress, and stress causes death, this is a big one.

7. You Become Self-Sufficient.
If you’re on your own, you learn how to relish in quality time with yourself. The ability to exist independently and prosper is an important survival skill that those in couples don’t always get to enjoy.

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