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How to Arm Your Child Against Bullying

9/10/2018

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Published by Gail Saltz, M.D. on Child Mind

Getting bullied is a traumatic experience for a child. It diminishes self-esteem, leaves kids feeling depressed and anxious, and can have long-lasting effects. And, of course, modern technology creates more opportunities for bullying than ever before.
Why do kids torture each other this way? It’s normal for children to have some aggression. The question is how much they have, what they do with it, what parents are teaching them at home about it, and what’s being modeled for that child in terms of managing aggression. Kids who are bullied at home are far more likely to go out and bully other kids.
But the number of kids who bully others because they truly have sociopathy brewing, or are oppositional defiant kids, who may in fact derive gratification from the pain of others, is a relatively small number compared to the amount of bullying that goes on.
Bullying as a power play
Others, and this is particularly true for girls, who may actually have a high social IQ and know how to work a system, will use bullying for power, to fortify their position. Here again, parents are influential. Are the parents expecting this child to be the powerful one? Are they sending either overt or covert messages that they want their child to be important, to be popular, to be feared?
Insecurity can also drive bullying — the feeling that unless you bully you will be the powerless one.
Also, unfortunately, there are now many more opportunities for bullying. Certainly the Internet and cell phones and all the social networking technology have opened up this whole arena of ways to bully. In some ways cyberbullying is more insidious and scary, from the perspective of an adult, in that it’s 24/7.
A child who’s being bullied at school at least comes home at some point and is safe with her family. With the computer that potentially never goes away: at any time you could turn it on and find that someone has written something to shame and humiliate you, and you might not even know who is doing that to you.
Here are some tips on how to talk to kids about bullying:
1. Forewarn your child.
Talk to your child about what bullying is, the signs of bullying, and whether or not it’s going on. Make sure she knows that if something happens, in school or online, she should tell you, and you will support her and together figure out how to work it out. If something is happening online, it’s especially important that she NOT respond before telling you about it. With bullying, it’s critical to not engage, to not feed it by being exactly who the perpetrator is looking for — someone she can get a rise out of. And she should NOT erase the hurtful post before talking to you. It should be saved somewhere, because sometimes you need to collect evidence of what’s been going on.

2. Fortify your child.
Make it clear that bullying says less about the victim’s personally than it does about the bully: This kid has a problem and others have to learn how to deflect and contain this problem, and not feed what’s going on. Explain that the worst way to respond is a sort of mob mentality — other children who are afraid of being targets will join with the bully and abandon the victim. Teach your child to resist the herd effect, not to pile on when someone else is being bullied. If she has the strength to support her friends, they will find the nerve to support her.

3. Practice appropriate responses.
If you’ve had conversations with your child before bullying starts, she’ll be more likely to come to you if she becomes a target. That gives you a chance to have a dialogue and role-play with her at home. So-and-so said this; okay, what are a couple of lines she can say if it happens again? When a child is insulted or humiliated, she is likely to be stunned, and you want to help make sure she doesn’t react in a way that adds fuel to the fire. It helps to come up, in advance, with four lines she can say, that she feels comfortable with, to deflect what is going on. You can also think together about people or friends she can confide in, and hope for support from.

4. Find allies.
Encourage your child to make a deal with his friends: If you stick up for me, I’ll stick up for you. Data shows that the most effective way to combat bullying is for bystanders to step in and say, “Hey, that’s my friend; don’t do that.”

5. Talk to your school.
The most effective way to arm children against bullying is for schools to start educating kids about it, and many are. They start in first grade with bullying education: What is bullying? How do we support our peers? What is treating somebody with respect? What is empathy? You have them try empathy on for size, and sticking up for each other. The lesson is that if everybody wants to avoid being a target, they can only do that by hanging together.

As a parent, think about talking to your school, whether your kid is being bullied or not, because bullying education, if it’s made developmentally appropriate through the years, is the best weapon. If your child is being stalked or threatened with violence you should contact the police as well as the school. In extreme cases, bullying can become a criminal matter and your top priority is the welfare of your child.
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8 Things Kids Can Say and Do to Stop Bullying

9/10/2018

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Published by Signe Whitson, L.S.W. on Psychology Today

Neuroscience shows us definitively that acts of kindness change the brain and that school-based programs that specifically integrate the teaching of kindness and empathy into the academic day note real reductions in bullying.  What follows are 8 simple, practical, easy-to-implement skills you can teach kids to help bring an end to bullying:
1. Memorize a simple statement
Most school-based bullying prevention programs tell students to show kindness and empathy by standing up for kids who are bullied—which is spot-on advice! We know that when kids step in to stop bullying, an incident of cruelty typically stops within 10 seconds, more than 50% of the time(Hawkins, Pepler, & Craig, 2001). Unfortunately, too few programs teach kids how to stand up for others.
My students tell me that one of the most frequently applied skills I teach them is the use of Bully Bans. Bully bans are short, to-the-point statements meant to interrupt an incident of bullying in its tracks without escalating the conflict. Bully bans take into account that during stressful moments, kids’ brains rarely come up with “helpful” things to say. Rather, the heat-of-the-moment usually sparks emotionally-charged, conflict-fueling words and actions.
Bully bans are meant to be developed with kids during non-stressful moments, then committed to memory so that kids can easily access them when they are needed. Effective Bully bans include simple, non-emotional phrases such as:
  • Cut it out, dude--that’s not cool
  • Hey, that’s over the line
  • Whatever
The key is in letting kids brainstorm their own simple statements, so that their language feels comfortable and natural to them. Then, adults can help kids role-play saying their assertive words in a confident, casual voice.
2. Change the subject
Some young people will find it too risky to say something during an episode of bullying, no matter how comfortable they become with effective wording.That’s perfectly understandable and even logical; too often, brave upstanders find that when they show kindness and empathy for someone who is being bullied, the aggressive student immediately unleashes their cruelty on them.
Some kids have the confidence and social capital to take that risk but for others, a great strategy is to teach them how effective it can be to stop an episode of bullying in its tracks by simply changing the subject. For example, a child who wants to quickly deflect the pressure off of someone being bullied can simply ask aloud if someone knows the date of the math test or how their March Madness bracket is going.
3. Scatter the crowd
Another effective diffuser: prepare kids to say something like, “Guys, we’ve gotta get to class before the bell rings.” This is a quick and easy way to scatter the crowd of onlookers from whom a bully is deriving social power and to stop bullying on the spot.


4. Use humor
Teach kids how effective it can be to lower the stress of a bullying situation by making kids laugh. Tell a joke, do something funny, share a meme, or bring up a funny pet video.There are lots of ways caring, empathic kids can use humor to diffuse a tense situation and take the pressure off of a vulnerable student.
5. Stand with the person being bullied
For those moments when verbal interventions such as Bully Bans, distractions, and humor won’t work, encourage your young person(s) to simply walk over and stand close to a person who is being bullied.Often, just the act of wordlessly standing with a vulnerable person can be enough to change the mood and stop the bullying. It also lets the person being bullied know that he or she is not alone.
6. Reach out after the fact
Good news: On-the-spot strategies to bring an end to bullying are highly effective.More good news:if the opportunity is missed, all is not lost!Teach kids that when they aren’t able to intervene in the moment, the efforts they make to show kindness and empathy soon after an incident of bullying can also have a significant impact.
Encourage kids to make time later in the day to talk to a peer who has been on the receiving end of cruelty.Invite the student to hang out with you at lunch or sit with you on the bus.Send him a friendly text.Message her on social media.


7. Express sympathy
Another effective way to show kindness and empathy to a student who has been bullied is to find them later in the day and tell them that you are genuinely sorry about what happened.The power of this simple act of looking a fellow human being in the eye and letting them know that what happened to them also pained you cannot be understated.
While they are at it, encourage kids to tell the bullied kid that he is awesome and doesn’t deserve to be treated badly.This simple act of friendship and compassion can make all the difference.
8. Get Help
Bullying is all about making a person feel isolated and alone.By the upper elementary and middle school years, many kids already believe that their life will only get worse if they tell an adult they are being bullied, anticipating that they will be called a “tattletale” (and worse!) and further degraded for their act of reaching out.This is part of the basic m.o. of a child who bullies; creating this fear is how they keep other kids isolated and powerless.
One thing bystanders can do to show kindness and stop bullying is to be the one to bring the matter to an adult’s attention.This takes the heat off of the bullied student in a big way.Encourage kids to think carefully about who they go to for help, as not all adults help equally.They should be sure to choose someone who they believe is fair and will use discretion in their interventions, so as not to cause new problems for a bullied student.A trustworthy adult can work to uphold school standards of safety and dignity for all students while also addressing the situation in a way prevents it from recurring.
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Bullying and Mental Health Consequences

9/10/2018

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Published by Rebecca Lee on PsychCentral 

According to the American Psychological Association, bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Even though bullying commonly happens in childhood, the impact can last well into adulthood. Duke University recently conducted research that shows the rates for agoraphobia and panic disorders greatly increases with bullying. Mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and low esteem haunt many adults who were once bullied in childhood.
In previous generations, many children were supposed to handle their own issues. “Let them work it out” or “ignore it” were popular phrases to encourage resilience from seemingly normal and unstoppable behavior. With many schools enforcing an anti-bullying campaign, the way we treat bullying is changing. Although it may be commonplace, it doesn’t have to be.
The most obvious form of bullying is physical. This can be clearly witnessed with little ambiguity to its intention. When a child with more power either socially, physically, or intellectually, hurts another child to gain more control, the targeted child feels threatened. Examples of physical bullying include: kicking, punching, shoving, hitting, etc. Since physical bullying is the easiest to see, it is the most commonly understood form of bullying.
Another type of bullying is called “relational bullying,” which can include ostracizing someone from a group, spreading rumors, and manipulating others. Relational bullying is used to increase social hierarchy by controlling a person they perceive as weaker. This is most often used by girls and can be  emotionally destructive, but, unlike physical bullying, this type of bullying is frequently undetected by parents and teachers. 
Although fairly recent in our history, cyberbullying is widely used by teenagers and even adults. Because there is a degree of separation from someone when using the internet, it may be easier to treat others in a way we would not normally do so in real life. Online harassment can take many forms. Social media plays a role when people write nasty comments that are made public. Sharing nude photos around the web or through phones is also a form of cyberbullying. Impersonating someone online and using their image to embarrass themselves is particularly damaging. The difference between cyberbullying and other types of bullying is that cyberbullying doesn’t end when someone walks away.  
Sexual bullying is pervasive in our culture not only in schools, but in the workplace as well. “Joking” with girls while touching them inappropriately can feel confusing, especially to teenage girls. When sexual harassment takes the form of a “joke”, it can be difficult to speak up. A girl might be accused of not having a “sense of humor”. Unwanted touching, comments about someone’s body, sexual pressuring, and sharing nude photos without someone’s consent are all forms of sexual bullying.
By suggesting a bully is someone without empathy, we are dismissing the many children who are quite average and still engage in bullying behavior. There are bullies who show aggression as a way to feel powerful because their parents demonstrate that type of behavior at home. There are insecure bullies who use relational bullying to stay in a position of reasonable social power so that they don’t slip and may in fact, get to the top of the popular ladder. There are bullies that wouldn’t ordinarily bully, but because they are in a group of people who are all bullying, they see no wrong in going with the crowd.
Just like there are different types of bullies, there are different types of children who are bullied. Although anyone can be bullied, common victims of bullying tend to have a few common traits:
  • Low self esteem
  • Lack of friends
  • Physical signs of lacking confidence
  • Possible difficulties learning
  • Physical differences
Common characteristics of those bullied include:
  • A feeling of helplessness
  • Social withdrawal
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Self blame
If you are worried about bullying in your child’s school, here are the signs to watch for in your child:
  • Unexplained bruises
  • Extreme fear surrounding school
  • Bad dreams
  • A defeated attitude
  • Withdrawal
If you are concerned about bullying, find out as much information as you can from your child and approach the school. Do not blame your child or ask your child why he/she didn’t do something that would have prevented it. Do not tell your child to ignore the bullying. Instead, help your child understand what to do when he/she is bullied and who specifically to tell in his/her school. With the right support, bullying does not have to impact mental health.

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Childhood Bullying Linked to Increased Health Risks in Adulthood

9/21/2017

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Published by Janice Wood on PsychCentral

Childhood bullying may lead to long-lasting health consequences, impacting psychosocial risk factors for cardiovascular health well into adulthood, according to a new study.

Published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, the study tracked a group of more than 300 American men from first grade through their early 30s. The study’s findings show that being a victim of bullying and being a bully were both linked to negative outcomes in adulthood.

Led by psychology researcher Karen A. Matthews of the University of Pittsburgh, the study found that men who were bullies during childhood were more likely to smoke cigarettes and use marijuana, to experience stressful circumstances, and to be aggressive and hostile more than 20 years later.

Men who were bullied as children, on the other hand, tended to have more financial difficulties, felt more unfairly treated by others, and were less optimistic about their future two decades later.

The outcomes are especially critical because they put the men at higher risk for poor health, including serious cardiovascular issues, later in life, according to the researchers.

“The long-term effects of bullying involvement are important to establish,” Matthews said. “Most research on bullying is based on addressing mental health outcomes, but we wished to examine the potential impact of involvement in bullying on physical health and psychosocial risk factors for poor physical health.”

Previous research has linked psychosocial risk factors like stress, anger, and hostility to increased risks of health problems, such as heart attacks, stroke, and high blood pressure. Because bullying leads to stressful interpersonal interactions for both the perpetrators and targets, the researchers hypothesized that both bullies and bullying victims might be at higher risk of negative health outcomes related to stress.

For the study, the researchers recruited participants from the Pittsburgh Youth Study, a longitudinal study of 500 boys enrolled in Pittsburgh public schools in 1987 and 1988, when the boys were in the first grade. More than half of the boys in the original study were Black and nearly 60 percent of the boys’ families received public financial assistance, such as food stamps.

Along with regular assessments on psychosocial, behavioral, and biological risk factors for poor health, researchers collected data from children, parents, and teachers on bullying behavior when the boys were 10 to 12 years old.

For the new study, Matthews and her research team successfully recruited more than 300 of the original study participants, who completed questionnaires on psychosocial health factors, such as stress levels, health history, diet and exercise, and socioeconomic status. Around 260 of the men came into the lab for blood draws, cardiovascular and inflammation assessments, and height and weight measurements.

Unexpectedly, neither bullying nor being bullied in childhood was related to inflammation or metabolic syndrome in adulthood, according to the researchers.

However, both childhood bullies and bullying victims had increased psychosocial risk factors for poor physical health, the study found.

The boys who engaged in more bullying in childhood tended to be more aggressive and were more likely to smoke in adulthood, risk factors for cardiovascular disease and other life-threatening diseases.

The boys with higher scores for being bullied tended to have lower incomes, more financial difficulties, and more stressful life experiences. They also perceived more unfair treatment relative to their peers. These outcomes are also related to risk for cardiovascular disease, the researchers noted.

“The childhood bullies were still aggressive as adults and victims of bullies were still feeling like they were treated unfairly as adults,” Matthews said. “Both groups had a lot of stress in their adult lives — so the impact of childhood bullying lasts a long time.”

The researchers speculate that both bullies and their victims may be at greater risk for poor physical health, including cardiovascular-disease events, over the long term. But they cautioned that many of the boys in the original study could not participate in the follow-up study because they were either deceased or incarcerated, which may have affected the results in unknown ways.

According to the researchers, their findings suggest that identifying children who are at risk for involvement in bullying and intervening early on may yield long-term psychosocial and physical health benefits that last into adulthood.

​
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How Do We Stop Bullying in Schools?

8/6/2015

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Published by Kara Tamanini, M.S., LMHC on PsychCentral


The best and most obvious way to stop bullying in schools is for parents to change the way they parent their children at home. Of course, this is much easier said than done and everyone parents their children differently. Bullies, however, come from homes where physical punishment is used and children have been taught that physical violence is the way to handle problems and “get their way.”

Bullies usually also come from homes where the parents fight a lot, so violence has been modeled for them. Parental involvement often is lacking in bullies’ lives and there seems to be little warmth.

Early intervention and effective discipline and boundaries truly is the best way to stop bullying, but parents of the victims or therapists cannot change the bully’s home environment. Some things can be done at the school level, however.

  1. Most school programs that address bullying use a multi-faceted approach to the problem. This usually involves counseling of some sort, either by peers, a school counselor, teachers, or the principal.
  2. Hand out questionnaires to all students and teachers and discuss if bullying is occurring. Define exactly what constitutes bullying at school. The questionnaire is a wonderful tool that allows the school to see how widespread bullying is and what forms it is taking. It is a good way to start to address the problem.
  3. Get the children’s parents involved in a bullying program. If parents of the bullies and the victims are not aware of what is going on at school, then the whole bullying program will not be effective. Stopping bullying in school takes teamwork and concentrated effort on everyone’s part. Bullying also should be discussed during parent-teacher conferences and PTA meetings. Parental awareness is key.
  4. In the classroom setting, all teachers should work with the students on bullying. Oftentimes even the teacher is being bullied in the classroom and a program should be set up that implements teaching about bullying. Children understand modeling behaviors and role-play and acting out bullying situations is a very effective tool. Have students role-play a bullying situation.Rules that involve bullying behaviors should be clearly posted. Schools also could ask local mental health professionals to speak to students about bullying behaviors and how it directly affects the victims.

  5. Schools need to make sure there is enough adult supervision at school to lessen and prevent bullying.
A child who has to endure bullying usually suffers from low self-esteem and their ability to learn and be successful at school is dramatically lessened. Schools and parents must educate children about bullying behaviors; it will help all children feel safe and secure at school. Children who bully need to be taught empathy for others’ feelings in order to change their behaviors and the school must adopt a zero-tolerance policy regarding bullying.

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Bullying Starts in Families and Spreads Like Cancer

4/10/2015

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Published by Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D. on PsychCentral


Often these days the subject of bullying comes up in the context of prejudice. For example, during the last Presidential election former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was accused of bullying a fellow student during his youth, a student who was perceived to be different and possibly homosexual. When bullying is seen in this context, it becomes a simplistic victim syndrome.

In general, we view bullying as something children do to other children (or sometimes adults do to other adults). The bully is seen as a villain, oftentimes with hateful or prejudiced motives, and the person who is bullied is tabbed as an innocent victim. However, bullying is much more pervasive than that, much more complicated, with psychological consequences for both the bully and the person who is bullied.

The bullying that occurs among children is but one of many kinds of bullying. Bullying starts in families. Parents or older siblings are the original bullies. Children are taught to be bullies or to be bullied by the family system in which they grow up.

A number of my patients suffered from lifelong abuse. Indeed, they originally came to therapy because of this problem. Their lives were a series of relationships, jobs and situations in which they would be treated with condescension and even contempt. They complained of continually getting teased, mistreated, and rejected by lovers, of being unfairly treated by bosses, of being betrayed by friends. “I don’t know why,” they would complain, “but everybody always seems to look down on me. Without even knowing me, people suspect the worse of me.”

They were unconscious of how they had been conditioned by their childhoods to act in such a way as to provoke bullying. Most were either the youngest in the family or the shortest or stood out in some other way (not as smart or too smart). Their parents were often bullies; the father bullied his wife and children. The wife, in turn, emotionally bullied the children. Sometimes one particular child became the family scapegoat and was treated by everyone as they were stupid and deserved the bullying. The more they were treated as if he they were stupid or weird, the more they began to act that way. They more they were bullied, the more they learned to provoke bullying.

Sometimes a younger child may stand out because he is more talented or cuter than the older siblings and a Cinderella syndrome develops, where the older children are jealous and mean to the cuter younger sibling. This can go on for years and is a common way that bullying starts. Sometimes children’s stories tell truths that children need to know.

The consequence of this type of childhood is that a child can became a self-defeating personality. There is a cliche used about some people that they are wearing a sign that says, “Kick me!” Through their body language and their expressions and because of their inability to respond appropriately to bullying, they tend to provoke even more bullying. If someone teases them, they may become irate and fight back by warning the bullies not to tease them. This only makes people laugh and gets them even bolder so that they tease all the more.

Victims of bullying suffer from bad health. Because they are in a constant state of high stress, they develop such things as diabetes, heart disease and arthritis. A recent National Geographic documentary called, “Stress: Portrait of a Killer,” details research on the connection between bullying, stress, and later diseases. Bullies tend to have less stress because they take out their anger on others.

And what about bullies? How do they fare in life? Bullies become bullies because they are imitating their parents or others who are bullies. Their parents look the other way or somehow reinforce their children’s bullying. When bullies grow up they became adults who have almost no awareness of their disorder. They rationalize it. They believe that some people deserve to be bullied because they are selfish, uppidy, or have a different, unpopular point of view. Although bullies have less stress, they often have their own personality disorders that can eventually bring havoc to their lives. Their power-mad attitude may result in some kind of emotional crash.

Both childhood bullies and childhood victims of bullying may become bullies to their own children; they become parents who have the attitude “It’s my way or the highway.” They have never learned to express their anger in an appropriate way, and so when they are in a position of power (as parents are) they abuse their power.

Bullying is complicated and, as I said before, pervasive. It starts in families but it takes place in all aspects of life. It occurs in schools, in companies, in athletics, in religions, and in politics. Individuals can be bullies and groups can be bullies. The Nazis in Germany before and during World War II are a notorious example of group bullying, as are the Muslim terrorists in our own time. Any group that uses intimidation, manipulation, guilt-tripping or other methods might be described as a bully. Any group that disparages another group, that accuses another group of being hateful, inferior, bigoted or in some way dangerous and uses that as an excuse to discriminate against that group, is a bully.

To end bullying, we must see it in all its varieties and in all its complications: which means, we must understand that both the bully and the victim of bullying contribute to the syndrome. The phrase, “Don’t blame the victim,” is a simplistic phrase the discourages us from looking at the complexity of bullying.

To end bullying, we must see the bully in ourselves. That’s the hard part.



** If you or someone you know is struggling with bullying, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

4/10/2015

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Published by Holly Brown, LMFT

With so much (rightful) attention being paid to physical abuse and domestic violence, I wanted to also shine some light on emotional abuse, which can be just as psychologically damaging.  But it is also, in some ways, easier to rationalize.  People who are being emotionally abused might downplay their own victimization by comparing themselves to people who are being physically abused: “Well, I’d never stand for that!”

But are you accepting treatment that you shouldn’t?  Are you being emotionally abused?  Here are some indicators.

1)  There is a lack of reciprocity in the relationship.

You feel like you’re always giving, and they’re always taking.  And you’re not just doing it because you want to make them feel good; it’s because you’re trying to avoid having them make you feel bad.

2)  That’s because your partner has a tendency to make everything your fault.

You can’t assume support on even the most mundane topics that have nothing to do with the relationship, because you feel like he/she is looking for a way to make you to blame.

3)  Your self-esteem is being systematically dismantled.

If you’re second-guessing yourself all the time, it’s entirely possible that’s the abuser’s intent.  If you doubt yourself, then you have to put all your faith and trust in the abuser.  It’s a way of maintaining the power dynamic.

So if you realize you’re questioning yourself, then go to someone you trust (outside of the relationship) and get that person’s opinion.  See if they’re noticed changes in you since being in the relationship.  But if you can’t do this, think about why…

4)  It’s likely that the abuser has isolated you.

He/she has you distrusting the other people in your life.  Again, that maintains the power dynamic in their favor.  This might also increase your financial dependence–another way of controlling you.

Or maybe you don’t want to approach others because you’re ashamed to say what’s going on in your relationship.  That is one of the clearest indicators that you are being abused: That you’ve started keeping secrets, perhaps even to yourself.

5)  You’re minimizing the occurrences, and the ways they make you feel.

When your partner says something demeaning, when your partner does something coercive/controlling/disempowering/humiliating, you make excuses.  You make it your fault.  You say that the abuser is right, you do need to correct those things.  Because if you did, then he/she wouldn’t have anything to complain about.

Or you tell yourself that you’re taking it all wrong.  You’re taking it too hard.  You’re making too much of this. After all, it’s not like your partner hits you or anything extreme, right?

Emotional abuse is just as devastating as physical.  It breaks you down, shames, isolates, and confuses you.  It’s time to call it what it is and let other people know what’s happening.  Then you can start to figure out what the right next step is for you–if it’s seeing a therapist, confronting your partner, or making plans to leave the relationship (domestic violence resources can be very helpful in this process.)



** If you or someone you know is struggling with emotional abuse, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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How to Spot a Narcissist

11/13/2014

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Published by Holly Brown, LMFT, on PsychCentral

A lot of people assume narcissists are easy to spot, that they talk obsessively about themselves, for example, or never seem to care what you have to say.  Those are the obvious narcissists.  This post is about the charming narcissists who can fly under the radar until you feel like you’re in too deep to get out.

I’ve written before about how to know you're involved with a narcissist, and on strategies for handling the narcissist in your life.  This post, hopefully, will help you avoid entanglements with people who could cause you a lot of pain down the line.

It’s the kind of post my characters Rachel and Marley might have benefited from, in my novel "Don't Try to Find Me"  And it might be particularly useful for those of you who are currently dating and trying to find a partner.  Maybe you’re on the fence about someone, and this could help you make a decision one way or the other.

When it comes to narcissists, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Getting out early might be your best move.  Okay, on to the tips:


1)  TRUST YOUR GUT!

I can’t stress this one enough.  If your gut is telling you that something is off, if another person inspires some sort of anxiety that you can’t quite comprehend–then look deeper.  You might feel like, “Hey, there’s no reason for me to be uneasy, it’s all going great, he/she is such a good catch!”  But ask yourself why no one has caught them.

When you’re talking to a bright, witty, charming, interesting narcissist, you will feel swept up.  You might feel a certain exhilaration, a loss of control, even.  Temporarily, this can be a positive feeling.

Long-term, though, what it means is that YOU ARE NOT PARTICULARLY RELEVANT.  The narcissist is merely looking for an audience.  The reason you don’t feel entirely present is because you don’t have to be.  You’re a prop, a way for the narcissist to feel temporarily good about himself/herself.  Essentially, you’re being used.

2)  You don’t feel truly listened to or empathized with.  It all feels somehow…surface.

That’s because narcissists often learn over time that in order to get the approval they seek, they need to give the other person something.  But it’s almost like the expression: His smile didn’t reach his eyes.  There’s a sense that something else is going on, or being withheld.  Again, this is largely something instinctive.

And the reason you are questioning yourself is because it is on this subterranean level.  On the surface, you’re not being disrespected.  But you’re not being valued either.

3)  Consider whether self-involved people often seem drawn to you.

If this is the case, then think about whether this is another person in a long line.  You might want to think back to your family relationships while you were growing up.  Did one or both of your parents train you, on some level, to be appreciative of others to the exclusion of your own needs?  Was an important person in your early life a narcissist as well?  Might be time to recognize (and break ) a pattern.

4)  You notice that somehow, you’re always ending up doing it the other person’s way.

This might mean that you’re always at the restaurant of their choice, or doing the activity they like.  You might find you drive to his/her house much more than the reverse occurs.  And you might not even know why this has happened, because the (suspected) narcissist seems nice enough, and willing enough, to do it your way.

But not really.  Essentially, they are saying they are open to your ideas, suggestions, and preferences, but then there’s always some reason why that doesn’t exactly work, or why the (suspected) narcissist’s way is actually better.  It might be that there’s a subtle pressure to go along in order to please the narcissist–perhaps he/she radiated very subtle disapproval through a variety of cues, and you’re picking up on these and it’s activating some anxiety, and so in order to relieve that anxiety, it’s just better to give in.  Which leads to….

5)  You tend to want to please people, and this new person in your life seems to feed on that.

While he/she may seem to be validating you (for example, giving you affection and compliments), there’s always something held back, perhaps the suggestion that the relationship can be damaged or lost.

A narcissist can often recognize a people-pleaser, almost like a homing pigeon.  A people-pleaser and a narcissist fit together like a lock and a key, often forging a very dysfunctional but enduring bond.

That’s why it’s key to examine your own motivations, reactions, impulses, intentions, and self-esteem. Because narcissists can spot you, so make sure you can spot them back. Then you can get out before the bond solidifies.



** If you or someone you know is struggling in a relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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Abuse Relationships Affect Men Too

11/4/2014

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Published by Cherilynn Veland, LCSW, MSW, on PsychCentral

This is a psychology of women blog. The post I did on verbal abuse got a ton of hits. Clearly, abuse and mistreatment in relationships is a big problem.

Statistics do show that women are much more likely to be in domestic-violent relationships. However, there are couples out there who have the reverse problem, where the man is the victim and the woman is the abuser. Certainly, homosexual relationships are not exempt from this issue either. For the record, when I reference abuse in this column, I am talking about physical violence, the threat of physical violence or emotional abuse, all of which are devastating.

What made me think about this issue was a flyer I saw on a wall when I was up in Minnesota last week fishing with my son. It was a flyer about a support group for men in abusive relationships. “Wow!” I thought, “this is a small town in Minnesota and they have a support group for men going through this?” I was impressed. I live in a city with a population that averages 3 million, and I have never seen any information out there for men who are suffering with this problem.

This made me think about how men are socialized and how this puts men at a disadvantage at getting help when they find themselves in an abusive relationship. Sadly, society tells men the following “gender rules” that makes dealing with an abusive spouse/girlfriend/partner more difficult:

1. Men aren’t supposed to talk about their feelings, especially with other men.

Of course this is untrue. Men need to talk about their feelings and share with others what is going on in their deepest hearts. Sadly, many men can only share these things with their intimate partners and if one’s partner does not respect or handle these feelings and vulnerabilities with care, that can make it exceptionally troubling for a man who has no one else.

Hopefully, this holding feelings in is changing. However, I see how my sons interact with their friends. They don’t discuss when they are feeling hurt by other guys’ behaviors. I see teasing and acting tough. While some strides have been made that help men, I still see that boys are supposed to “be boys,” even if this means teaching them to cut themselves off from their feelings. As a therapist, I have seen how this leads to depression, anxiety and substance abuse, and perhaps a propensity to accept unacceptable behavior in intimate relationships…

I love this book about men and depression by Terrence Real aptly titled I Don't Want To Talk About It.  

2. Women get abused by men not vice versa.

Statistics show that this is definitely the case. Wouldn’t that make a man feel more isolated, powerless, and confused when the reverse happens? Inherent in the domestic violence cycle is the dynamic where the abuser makes the abusee question themselves. “What’s wrong with me?” is a normal response to the brainwashing and power disequilibrium. If a man knows that he is WAY in the minority, won’t that naturally feed into the self-doubt and add to the feelings of powerlessness? I think so.

3. A man is more physically powerful, therefore, for him to succumb to any physical violence makes him weak.

Everybody knows that in general men are physically more powerful than women. Therefore, it must feel emasculating to have this happen. And if a partner or women is screaming profanities, or throwing things, this may not be direct violence but it is still threatening and abusive.

In addition, if the cops are called, who are they going to believe? I have known some men who have told me that their abusive partners used this tactic to control them.

4. You are supposed to make the woman or partner in your life happy.

“A happy wife is a happy life,” or “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” Sometimes, I cringe when I hear these sayings because I don’t want my sons to believe that they are supposed to consistently sacrifice their needs for the happiness of a partner. These are dangerous mottos to completely buy into if either one of the parties feels like they have to oppress or suppress their needs tomake someone else happy. Not good.

5. Shelters and domestic violence centers are mostly for women victims.

Whether we see advertisements on the sides of buses, or fundraisers for domestic violence, most of the information and support we see out there is for women. This has to make it tough for a man to know where to go or what to do if he is being abused or mistreated.

It takes courage to get out of an abusive relationship, man or woman. If you are a man and are being abused, there is help out there. I found a domestic violence helpline that serves men and women. It is 1- 888-7HELPLINE/ Dial 1-888-743-5754.



** If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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Teen Suicide: Out of Sight Is Not Out of Mind

7/16/2014

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Published by Gabrielle Katz on PsychCentral


As a Master of Social Work student, my first field placement was at an acute mental health inpatient facility on an adolescent unit. Each day I went to my placement, I saw an increasing number of rotating teenagers coming into the hospital due to suicidal ideation or a suicide attempt.

My experience in the adolescent unit showed me just how much suicide affects the teen population. As a result, I have become an advocate for education on, and the prevention of, suicide.

Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in America. For every person who dies by suicide, more than 30 others attempt it. While this is the case for the general population in the United States, suicide is the third leading cause of death for those 12-18 years old.

Recently in the news, there have been many articles discussing suicide and reporting on the numerous college students who have died by it. These stories are bringing this epidemic to the forefront.

Every suicide attempt and death affects countless other individuals. Family members, friends, coworkers, and others in the community all suffer the long-lasting consequences of suicidal behaviors.

The problem stems from lack of education. Children and adolescents are unaware of the signs and symptoms; therefore, they are unable to distinguish between suicidal thoughts and other emotions. School-aged children do not know how to get help, which numbers to call, or where to go if they need assistance.

Therefore, education on suicide and certain mental illnesses should be taught in a health course. We are allowed to teach information regarding alcoholic beverages, sexually transmitted diseases, and more to inform our children. Bringing awareness to suicide in an informational way will help people become more knowledgeable and aware of the signs, symptoms and resources available for help.

Adolescents are impulsive and reactive. If students were taught safety and resources surrounding suicide they would at least know what to do if their depression, anxiety or stress overwhelms them to an “I can’t take it anymore” level. Schools need to incorporate suicide and mental health education in their health class curricula.

This does not need to be a psychology class. It should include the mental illnesses of anxiety and depression and how to recognize suicidal ideation. Every student at one point in their school career will at least feel anxious, whether it be over a boy or girl, schoolwork, or being late to school.

Depression and anxiety can become so overwhelming to some people that the only way they know how to get away from the feeling is to contemplate or attempt suicide. We need to teach our children that suicide is not the answer.

For any student, parent or friend reading this and thinking they know someone who is suicidal, please call this number: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org to learn about suicide, the help you can receive, and a practical tool kit to help school staff manage the situation in the aftermath of suicide.

Let’s start talking and making a toolkit of preventative measures for suicide awareness so we do not have to use the toolkit for any more aftermath management. What may be out of sight may not actually be out of mind.



** If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, if it is an emergency, contact 911. Then contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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