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4 Ways to Manage Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Children

2/14/2018

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Published by Janet Lehman, MSW on PsychCentral

​Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a childhood disorder that affects anywhere from 6 to 10 percent of children. It is characterized by a negative set of behaviors in a child directed toward the adults in their life, and can sometimes be mistaken for disorders that share some characteristics, such as conduct disorder and even attention deficit disorder.
The diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder is given by mental health professionals to describe a set of behaviors a child is exhibiting that include:
  • Often loses temper
  • Argues with adults and authority figures
  • Refuses to comply with adult requests
  • Blames others for his mistakes
  • Deliberately annoys people
  • Is easily annoyed by others
  • Is angry/resentful and spiteful/vindictive.
Sound like a child you may know?

If a child exhibits four or more of these behaviors for six months or longer, he would likely be diagnosed with ODD, unless there was an alternative explanation (for example, if he’s experienced some kind of trauma or if there’s another disorder or condition at play). The most important factor to consider is frequency and intensity. All kids exhibit some of these behaviors, but not to the extent of an ODD child. ODD may develop at any time, over time, and may be secondary to another diagnosis. In other words,  it might co-exist with ADHD or a mood disorder.
With oppositional and defiant kids, there are very different levels of misbehavior. You might have a young child who’s having temper tantrums, or an older adolescent who’s exhibited ODD behavior for years and who feels justified in being verbally or physically abusive, or punching holes in the kitchen wall.
A common trait of kids with oppositional Defiant Disorder is that they often see themselves as victims and feel justified in acting out. And sadly, they see so many examples of people in our culture who act out — from rock stars to athletes to politicians — that they feel even more justified in what they’re doing.
Parents are often intimidated by their ODD child’s behavior because it’s so difficult to deal with; sometimes it just seems easier to give in than to deal with trying to manage and respond differently. Again, it’s important to remember as a parent that you can change at any time. You might feel defeated because of your own stress levels, feelings of blame or failure, and exhaustion. But here’s the truth: you can learn to respond in such a way as to reduce the acting out behavior.
Here are four things you can do as a parent to effectively manage your child with oppositional Defiant Disorder:
  1. Respond without anger: It’s important to respond to your ODD child without anger—try to be as calm and matter-of-fact as possible. Just acknowledge the behavior, state it as you see it, explain how it will need to change and then remove yourself from all arguments. You really have to pick your battles and decide what’s most important to you—and ultimately to your child.
  2. Be clear and consistent: The nature of oppositional defiant behavior is to wear parents down so that they eventually give in. You need to be strong, clear and consistent in your follow through.
  3. 3. Do not take things personally. Do not take your child’s behavior personally. When your ODD child acts out, as hard as it might be, stay as neutral and objective as possible. You need to be clear and concise and not get pulled into a power struggle—it’s really not about you, it’s about your child and what he needs to learn. We as parents sometimes need to be great actors and actresses with our kids. The key is to keep practicing calm, consistent parenting and following through.
  4. Don’t be your child’s friend—be his parent: Remember, being a parent is not a personality contest. There are times when he won’t like you—he may even shout, “I hate you,” or call you foul names. But if you keep setting limits with your child and follow through by giving him consequences and holding him accountable, then ultimately you’re doing the best thing for your child.
Believe me, I know from experience that it’s difficult to manage ODD behavior. It takes work and support from partners, friends, and the school system; it requires all the important adults in a child’s life working together to help change the behavior, but it can be done.

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Childhood Bullying Linked to Increased Health Risks in Adulthood

9/21/2017

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Published by Janice Wood on PsychCentral

Childhood bullying may lead to long-lasting health consequences, impacting psychosocial risk factors for cardiovascular health well into adulthood, according to a new study.

Published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, the study tracked a group of more than 300 American men from first grade through their early 30s. The study’s findings show that being a victim of bullying and being a bully were both linked to negative outcomes in adulthood.

Led by psychology researcher Karen A. Matthews of the University of Pittsburgh, the study found that men who were bullies during childhood were more likely to smoke cigarettes and use marijuana, to experience stressful circumstances, and to be aggressive and hostile more than 20 years later.

Men who were bullied as children, on the other hand, tended to have more financial difficulties, felt more unfairly treated by others, and were less optimistic about their future two decades later.

The outcomes are especially critical because they put the men at higher risk for poor health, including serious cardiovascular issues, later in life, according to the researchers.

“The long-term effects of bullying involvement are important to establish,” Matthews said. “Most research on bullying is based on addressing mental health outcomes, but we wished to examine the potential impact of involvement in bullying on physical health and psychosocial risk factors for poor physical health.”

Previous research has linked psychosocial risk factors like stress, anger, and hostility to increased risks of health problems, such as heart attacks, stroke, and high blood pressure. Because bullying leads to stressful interpersonal interactions for both the perpetrators and targets, the researchers hypothesized that both bullies and bullying victims might be at higher risk of negative health outcomes related to stress.

For the study, the researchers recruited participants from the Pittsburgh Youth Study, a longitudinal study of 500 boys enrolled in Pittsburgh public schools in 1987 and 1988, when the boys were in the first grade. More than half of the boys in the original study were Black and nearly 60 percent of the boys’ families received public financial assistance, such as food stamps.

Along with regular assessments on psychosocial, behavioral, and biological risk factors for poor health, researchers collected data from children, parents, and teachers on bullying behavior when the boys were 10 to 12 years old.

For the new study, Matthews and her research team successfully recruited more than 300 of the original study participants, who completed questionnaires on psychosocial health factors, such as stress levels, health history, diet and exercise, and socioeconomic status. Around 260 of the men came into the lab for blood draws, cardiovascular and inflammation assessments, and height and weight measurements.

Unexpectedly, neither bullying nor being bullied in childhood was related to inflammation or metabolic syndrome in adulthood, according to the researchers.

However, both childhood bullies and bullying victims had increased psychosocial risk factors for poor physical health, the study found.

The boys who engaged in more bullying in childhood tended to be more aggressive and were more likely to smoke in adulthood, risk factors for cardiovascular disease and other life-threatening diseases.

The boys with higher scores for being bullied tended to have lower incomes, more financial difficulties, and more stressful life experiences. They also perceived more unfair treatment relative to their peers. These outcomes are also related to risk for cardiovascular disease, the researchers noted.

“The childhood bullies were still aggressive as adults and victims of bullies were still feeling like they were treated unfairly as adults,” Matthews said. “Both groups had a lot of stress in their adult lives — so the impact of childhood bullying lasts a long time.”

The researchers speculate that both bullies and their victims may be at greater risk for poor physical health, including cardiovascular-disease events, over the long term. But they cautioned that many of the boys in the original study could not participate in the follow-up study because they were either deceased or incarcerated, which may have affected the results in unknown ways.

According to the researchers, their findings suggest that identifying children who are at risk for involvement in bullying and intervening early on may yield long-term psychosocial and physical health benefits that last into adulthood.

​
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5 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

9/25/2015

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Published by Jessica O. Hunter, Psy.D. on PsychCentral


You feel connected, he understands you, he’s different from the others. Your friends just don’t understand.

Often these are the signs we use to determine whether or not we are “in love”. These days, we begin dating and get to know new people through social media, texting, Facetime, Snapchat. It is even more difficult to meet and get to know someone. There is less and less face-to-face time.

So when we do, and we feel that “connection” and we believe we have found love.

It feels good, the texts show he cares and he speaks to us in ways that make us feel special.

So how do we know if this is real love or simply lust? Often, what we think is love is actually lust and there may be signs of a possible toxic relationship in the future. Here are five signs of a possible toxic relationship:

1. The communication is intense, frequent and almost all through social media or texting in the beginning. It is continuous and fast-paced. It feels like there is an intense need to “speak” or text all the time throughout the day.

2. The information you get is “surface” and does not reveal a lot of detail when getting to know each other. When you do get information you may hear red flags such as “I am not good at relationships” or “I am a jealous person”. You may want to listen to this information and investigate further.

3. You may hear from him very frequently at first and the relationship may move very quickly, this may even go against your instinct. After these periods of intensity, you may notice times when the communication stops and becomes more infrequent without warning.


4. Increase in possessiveness as the relationship grows more serious. The manner in which you communicate may become more toxic and conflicted; arguments may spark at a time when you should just be getting to know each other.

5. The intensity of the relationship grows in a short period of time. You may witness periods of arguing and then making up. These periods of arguing may even lead to more intense intimacy.

Keep these simple guidelines in mind if you feel your relationship is becoming unhealthy. It may be that what feels like true love is in fact growing into a toxic relationship.


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Debunking 11 Domestic Violence Myths

9/22/2015

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Published by Victor M. Parachin on YourTango.com on PsychCentral


Know the facts.

“If anything is truly equal opportunity, it is battering. Domestic violence crosses all socioeconomic, ethnic, racial, educational, age and religious lines.” – K. J. Wilson, author of When Violence Begins At Home.

Sadly, a US Department of Justice study indicates that approximately one million violent crimes are committed by former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends each year, with 85 percent of the victims being women.

For domestic violence to be defeated, it must begin with information. Here are eleven myths and facts about domestic violence.

Myth #1: Domestic Violence Is Only Physical.

Fact: Abusive actions against another person can be verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical. There are four basic types of domestic violence:

  • Physical: Shoving, slapping, punching, pushing, hitting, kicking and restraining.
  • Sexual: When one partner forces unwanted, unwelcome, uninvited sexual acts upon another.
  • Psychological: Verbal and emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, stalking, swearing, insulting, isolation from family and friends, forced financial dependence.
  • Attacks against property and pets: Breaking household objects, hitting walls, abusing or killing beloved pets.



Myth #2: Domestic Violence Is Not Common.


Fact: While precise statistics are difficult to determine, all signs indicate that domestic violence is more common than most people believe or want to believe.

For example, due to lack of space, shelters for battered women are able to admit only 10 to 40 percent of women who request admission. Another example is from divorced women. Though they make up less than 8 percent of the US population, they account for 75 percent of all battered women and report being assaulted 14 times more often than women still living with a partner. Whatever statistics are available are believed to be low because domestic violence is often not reported.

Myth #3: Domestic Violence Only Affects Women.



Fact: Abuse can happen to anyone! It can be directed at women, men, children, the elderly. It takes place among all social classes and all ethnic groups; however, women are the most targeted victims of domestic violence. Here are more statistics:

  • One in four American women report being physically assaulted and/or raped by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date at some time in their life.
  • Every day in the US three women are murdered by a husband or boyfriend.
  • A woman is beaten every 15 seconds, according to the FBI.
  • It is estimated that up to 10 million children witness an act of domestic violence annually.
  • Boys who witnessed domestic violence are more than twice as likely to abuse their wives or girlfriends than sons of nonviolent parents.
  • Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime.
  • While men are victims of domestic abuse, 92 percent of those subjected to violence are women.



Myth #4: Domestic Violence Only Occurs Among Lower Class or Minority or Rural Communities.



Fact: Domestic violence crosses all race and class lines. Similar rates of abuse are reported in cities, suburbs and rural areas, according to the Bureau of Justice.

Abusers can be found living in mansions, as well as mobile homes. In Not to People Like Us – Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, by Susan Weitzman, PhD., she presents case studies of domestic violence in families with higher than average incomes and levels of education.

Myth #5: Battered Women Can Just Leave.



Fact: A combination of factors make it very difficult for the abused to leave. These include family and social pressure, shame, financial barriers, children, and religious beliefs.

Up to 50 percent of women with children fleeing domestic violence become homeless because they leave the abuser. Also, many who are abused face psychological ambivalence about leaving.

One woman recalls, “My body still ached from being beaten by my husband a day earlier. But he kept pleading through the door. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll never do that to you again. I know I need help.’ I had a 2-week-old baby. I wanted to believe him. I opened the door.”

Her abuse continued for two more years before she gained the courage to leave.

Myth #6: Abuse Takes Place Because of Alcohol or Drugs.



Fact: Substance abuse does not cause domestic violence. However, drugs and alcohol do lower inhibitions while increasing the level of violence, often to more dangerous levels.

The US Department of Health and Human Services estimates that one-quarter to one-half of abusers have substance abuse issues.

Myth #7: Victims Can Just Fight Back or Walk Away.



Fact: Dealing with domestic violence is never as simple as fighting back or walking out the door.

“Most domestic abusers are men who are physically stronger than the women they abuse,” notes Joyce Zoldak in her book When Danger Hits Home: Survivors of Domestic Violence.

“In the case of elder abuse, the victims’ frail condition may limit their being able to defend themselves. When a child is being abused, the adult guardian is far more imposing — both physically and psychologically — than the victim.”

Myth #8: The Victim Provoked the Violence.



Fact: The abuser is completely responsible for the abuse. No one can say or do anything which warrants being beaten and battered. Abusers often try to deflect their responsibility by blaming the victim via comments, such as:

  • “You made me angry.”
  • “You made me jealous.”
  • “This would never have happened if you hadn’t done that.”
  • “I didn’t mean to do that, but you were out of control.”
Victims need to be assured that the abuse is not their fault.

Myth #9: Domestic Abuse Is a Private Matter and It’s None of My Business.



Fact: We all have a responsibility to care for one another.

Officials at the National Domestic Violence Hotline offer this advice to people who see or suspect domestic violence:

“Yes, it is your business. Maybe he’s your friend, your brother-in-law, your cousin, co-worker, gym partner or fishing buddy. You’ve noticed that he interrupts her, criticizes her family, yells at her or scares her. You hope that when they’re alone, it isn’t worse. The way he treats her makes you uncomfortable, but you don’t want to make him mad or lose his friendship. You surely don’t want to see him wreck his marriage or have to call the police.

What can you do? Say something. If you don’t, your silence is the same as saying abuse is OK. He could hurt someone, or end up in jail. Because you care, you need to do something…before it is too late.”

Myth #10: Partners Need Couples Counseling.



Fact: It is the abuser alone who needs counseling in order to change behavior.

Social worker Susan Schechter says couples counseling is “an inappropriate intervention that further endangers the woman…It encourages the abuser to blame the victim by examining her ‘role’ in his problem. By seeing the couple together, the therapist erroneously suggests that the partner, too, is responsible for the abusers behavior.

“Many women have been brutally beaten following couples counseling sessions in which they disclosed violence or coercion. The abuser alone must take responsibility for assaults and understand that family reunification is not his treatment goal: the goal is to stop the violence.”

Myth #11: Abusers Are Evil People.



Fact: “Anyone can find himself or herself in an abusive situation and most of us could also find ourselves tempted to be abusive to others, no matter how wrong we know it to be,” notes Joyce Zaldak.

Abusers are people who may be strong and stable in some areas of their lives, but weak, unreasonable, and out of control in other ways. This does not excuse their behavior because abuse is always wrong.

Abusers need to be held accountable for their actions and encouraged to seek help promptly by meeting with a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or spiritual leader.

With an informed community, with the help of family and friends, the cycle of abuse can be broken.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website.






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How to Defuse an Argument

9/2/2015

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Published by John Demartini on PsychCentral


Most people become challenged and confronted on occasion by others who differ in their opinions and who desire and are determined to argue. This could be about almost anything and with almost anyone, including our most intimate partners, family members, social acquaintances or colleagues.

It is wise for both parties who enter into arguments to be able to defuse them and dissolve their anger toward each other in a relatively efficient and respectful manner. It is wise to cool down and become calmer so you can return to interacting civilly with the people you previously argued with.

Unresolved and undissolved arguments weigh heavily, both mentally and physically, on both parties. Sustained arguments can initiate a fight-or-flight response, which can take its toll on both parties’ immune systems and overall well-being.

When you find yourself entering into an argument, you may consider the following ideas and action steps to dissolve it and mitigate its effects.

  • Look within. It is not what others do or say or even what happens to you that is crucial. It is about how you perceive it and what you decide to do with or about it. To have a heated and lasting argument takes two people who stubbornly desire to be right, who are taking a firm or rigid stance and who are projecting their uniquely biased and probably limited opinions onto each other. Being right seldom leads to resolution — being understanding and resilient to alternative views does. Flexible dialogues work more effectively than rigid and alternating monologues.
  • Give yourself a little bit of space and a brief moment of time to calm down your initial emotional reactions. Step back and take inventory of what has actually initiated the argument. This can allow you to ask yourself some quality questions about your involvement and the reasons for and purpose of the argument. It is wiser to become poised and dance than to remain stuck in an irrational stance. If two people are exactly the same, one of them is unnecessary. Ask yourself:
    • What specifically are they doing, not doing, saying, or not saying that is initiating your emotional anger response and your desire to remain in an argument with them and be right? What role are you playing in initiating what they are doing or saying?
    • Where and when have you acted, stated, or believed in a same or similar manner? Who has observed you doing this? By identifying where and when you have acted in the same manner, it calms down extreme degrees of self-righteousness and denial. Looking at your own role is more fruitful and can add meaning and flexibility.
    • How is their side of the argument serving you? How could hearing what they have to say benefit you? There are many opinions and yours is just one of them. Being right is not always the wisest approach to human interactions. Listening and learning about alternative viewpoints can help expand our awareness and possibly social influence. Being a quality listener pays dividends. Listening carefully before we speak opens doorways of greater communication.
    • Who is agreeing with and supporting your side at the same time they desire to argue with you? We draw in people to argue with us when we are puffed up and exaggerating our position in life. The arguer is actually helping us go deeper into our true nature and develop greater equanimity within and equity between ourselves and others.
    • If at the moment they argued with you, they suddenly turned around and completely agreed with you, what would be the drawbacks and downsides? It is unwise to assume that others are there only to support us. We sometimes hold fantasies about how life is supposed to be instead of facing the true and balanced beauty of how life actually is. If everyone agreed with us, we could become stagnant and remain trapped in our delusive fantasy world. We often do not fully grow until we also become challenged. We require similarities and differences, cooperation and competition, likes and dislikes and agreements and disagreements to adapt and grow within society. We require both sides of the magnet to have magnetism.
  • Stop and reflect. Go for a walk. Meditate and to become calm and centered before further reacting. Transcending emotional reactions with a more objective, expanded and reasonable viewpoint can take the heat out of extreme emotional stances. Governing yourself is the starting point for bringing resolution with others.
  • Communicate your views in terms of their highest values. People are dedicated to fulfilling their own highest values, not necessarily ours. When they perceive that you are communicating in a way that helps them fulfill what is most meaningful and important to them, they calm down and become receptive and more attentively listen. Help them fulfill what they desire and they in turn will soften their stance and turn around to assist with what you desire.
  • Learn to agree to disagree and still respect others’ opinions. By concentrating on any components you do agree with, it softens others’ reactions. Identify similarities as well as differences. Maximum growth and development occurs at the border of similarities and differences, supports and challenges, agreements and disagreements.
Before letting your arguments get out of hand, understand the balancing act of human nature. Help yourself and others return to equanimity, appreciation and love. Being able to say ‘thank you’ lets you know that your argument is resolved.

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Lessons Our Emotions Can Teach Us -- and How We Can Learn

8/25/2015

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. on PsychCentral


Many of us dismiss our emotions. We think of them as capricious and inconvenient. We think they stall problem-solving. We think they take too much time to process, and we don’t have the luxury of simply sitting and stewing.

If we grew up in a home where emotions were vilified or regularly suppressed, where good girls didn’t get angry and good boys didn’t cry, we might've adopted the same views and habits of repressing ourselves.

But “emotions communicate invaluable insights to us,” said Katie Kmiecik, LCPC, a psychotherapist at Postpartum Wellness Center in Hoffman Estates, Ill. She thinks of emotions as signs on the highway of life. “People who pay attention to these ‘signs’ lead happier lives. People who ignore their emotional signs may end up ‘lost.’”

According to Sheri Van Dijk, MSW, RSW, a psychotherapist in Sharon, Ontario, Canada, “emotions always serve a function.” They give us information about a situation, and motivate us to act, she said.

For example, “anger motivates us to try to change a situation to make it more to our liking.” Fear motivates us to fight, flee or freeze in a situation that may be dangerous or life-threatening, she said.

The best approach to take with our emotions is to “acknowledge, accept, and learn from them,” Kmiecik said.

Below are other lessons emotions can teach us, along with insight into what to do when emotions lead us astray and how to listen to our emotions.

Anger

Anger actually isn’t one emotion, Kmiecik said. Instead, it’s a symptom of other emotions, such as sadness, insecurity and fear, she said.

“For example, a parent who is waiting on a teen who is out past curfew will experience anger with underlying fear [and] betrayal.”

When we understand that other emotions accompany anger, we can handle situations authentically, Kmiecik said. “We can express and acknowledge the fear, sadness, or betrayal in a more productive way.”

Frustration

Frustration may communicate that you’re being stifled or unheard or you’re internalizing your feelings, said Tracy Tucker, LCSW, a psychotherapist at Clinical Care Consultants in Arlington Heights, Ill. For instance, you become frustrated as you’re trying to express your thoughts to someone, and they keep cutting you off, she said.

Fear

In addition to motivating us to navigate potentially risky situations, fear communicates we’re unprepared for something and what we need to do in order to handle it, Kmiecik said.

“For example, a woman about to become a mother may be fearful about the unknown [of] childbirth. This may lead her to do proactive things to minimize her fear, such as to do research, ask her doctor questions, and get emotional support from people around her.”

Envy

According to Van Dijk, “the original function of envy was to motivate us in our pursuit of resources to help us survive, as well as in terms of reproduction.” While it doesn’t serve the same survival functions today, she said, envy still motivates us. It drives us to set goals and to strive for them.

Inherently, envy isn’t a comfortable or pleasant emotion, she said. But we often deepen our discomfort with our own judgments, such as: “It’s not fair that I’ve worked so hard and don’t have what he has.”

What helps is to acknowledge the situation as it is so you can see what your envy is trying to tell you without experiencing the same level of anger or letting it stop you from acting effectively. As Van Dijk said, you might adjust the previous thought to: “I don’t like the fact that I’ve had to work so hard and I don’t feel I’ve gotten as far as I could have.”

“We acknowledge the emotion of envy is there, we recognize what it is that we want that we don’t currently have, and we can think about how we can get closer to that goal.”

Happiness

Happiness might communicate that you’re in the present savoring the moment, Tucker said. “If one wins an award, they are able to be present in the moment and … be proud of their accomplishment instead of immediately switching focus to what’s next.”

“If one is able to be aware of and in the now, positive experiences and events such as a promotion at work or the reaching of a milestone can be enjoyed and celebrated,” she said.

Sadness

Sadness may tell us that we’ve experienced a loss and are experiencing some grief, Tucker said. This may mean “the loss or death of anyone or anything, tangible or otherwise,” she said.

For instance, she shared the example of getting a new car. You may be very excited about the new car but also sad because of the special memories associated with your old car.

When Emotions Lead Us Astray

Sometimes our emotions can lead us astray. For instance, you might feel guilty about taking care of yourself or feel anxious at a party.

“The thing is, with emotional problems, our ‘thermostat,’ so to speak, often becomes too sensitive, meaning that we start to feel these emotions when they’re not warranted,” said Van Dijk.

Our thoughts and judgments contribute to this, she said. For instance, we judge ourselves for carving out time for self-care (e.g., “I should be cleaning right now”).

Because we judge ourselves we might assume that others are judging us, too, which may contribute to our anxiety at social events, she said.

Listening to Our Emotions

Many of us aren’t very good at listening to our emotions. We simply might not have the practice or we might've internalized unhelpful messages from our family or society. For instance, our culture teaches us that sadness is a bad emotion. Because it’s undesirable or uncomfortable, many people repress it, Kmiecik said.

We also might not listen because we’re consumed with judging ourselves. This triggers “all sorts of secondary emotions,” Van Dijk said. For instance, we get angry with ourselves for feeling anxious or sad or angry.

“[T]hese emotions then get in the way of our being able to even think straight, never mind do something about it!”



Van Dijk shared this exercise – called “The Gatekeeper” – from her book Calming the Emotional Storm: Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Manage Your Emotions and Balance Your Life. It helps you be more accepting of your emotions, she said.


Practice this mindfulness exercise regularly in order to become more aware of your judgmental thoughts, as well as of your thoughts and emotions in a more general sense.

Sitting or lying down in a comfortable position, start by just noticing your breath. Breathing in, breathing out; slowly, deeply, and comfortably. Just notice the sensations you experience as you breathe — the feeling of the air as it enters your nostrils, passes down your throat and fills your lungs; and then as you exhale, notice the feeling of your lungs deflating, as the air passes back out through your nose or mouth.

After a few moments of focusing on your breathing, start to draw your attention to your thoughts and emotions. Imagine that you are standing at the door of a castle wall. You are in charge of who comes and goes through that door — you are the gatekeeper. What comes through that door isn’t people, though, but your thoughts and feelings.

Now, the idea here isn’t that you’re going to decide which thoughts and feelings get to come in — if they come to the door, they need to be let in, or they’ll just make camp outside that door and continue to bang on the door harder and harder. Instead, the idea is that you greet each thought and feeling as it enters, just acknowledging its presence before the next thought or feeling arrives.

In other words, you accept each experience as it comes — “Anger is at the door,” “Here is sadness,” “Here is a thought about the past,” “And here comes anger again,” and so on. By just noting each experience, just acknowledging what has come up for you, that thought or emotion will pass through the door rather than hanging around. The thought or emotion might come back again and again, but you will see that it doesn’t stay long; it just passes through, and then the next experience arises.

When we accept our emotions, without judgment, we open ourselves up to listening to them and really to ourselves.



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Bullying Starts in Families and Spreads Like Cancer

4/10/2015

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Published by Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D. on PsychCentral


Often these days the subject of bullying comes up in the context of prejudice. For example, during the last Presidential election former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was accused of bullying a fellow student during his youth, a student who was perceived to be different and possibly homosexual. When bullying is seen in this context, it becomes a simplistic victim syndrome.

In general, we view bullying as something children do to other children (or sometimes adults do to other adults). The bully is seen as a villain, oftentimes with hateful or prejudiced motives, and the person who is bullied is tabbed as an innocent victim. However, bullying is much more pervasive than that, much more complicated, with psychological consequences for both the bully and the person who is bullied.

The bullying that occurs among children is but one of many kinds of bullying. Bullying starts in families. Parents or older siblings are the original bullies. Children are taught to be bullies or to be bullied by the family system in which they grow up.

A number of my patients suffered from lifelong abuse. Indeed, they originally came to therapy because of this problem. Their lives were a series of relationships, jobs and situations in which they would be treated with condescension and even contempt. They complained of continually getting teased, mistreated, and rejected by lovers, of being unfairly treated by bosses, of being betrayed by friends. “I don’t know why,” they would complain, “but everybody always seems to look down on me. Without even knowing me, people suspect the worse of me.”

They were unconscious of how they had been conditioned by their childhoods to act in such a way as to provoke bullying. Most were either the youngest in the family or the shortest or stood out in some other way (not as smart or too smart). Their parents were often bullies; the father bullied his wife and children. The wife, in turn, emotionally bullied the children. Sometimes one particular child became the family scapegoat and was treated by everyone as they were stupid and deserved the bullying. The more they were treated as if he they were stupid or weird, the more they began to act that way. They more they were bullied, the more they learned to provoke bullying.

Sometimes a younger child may stand out because he is more talented or cuter than the older siblings and a Cinderella syndrome develops, where the older children are jealous and mean to the cuter younger sibling. This can go on for years and is a common way that bullying starts. Sometimes children’s stories tell truths that children need to know.

The consequence of this type of childhood is that a child can became a self-defeating personality. There is a cliche used about some people that they are wearing a sign that says, “Kick me!” Through their body language and their expressions and because of their inability to respond appropriately to bullying, they tend to provoke even more bullying. If someone teases them, they may become irate and fight back by warning the bullies not to tease them. This only makes people laugh and gets them even bolder so that they tease all the more.

Victims of bullying suffer from bad health. Because they are in a constant state of high stress, they develop such things as diabetes, heart disease and arthritis. A recent National Geographic documentary called, “Stress: Portrait of a Killer,” details research on the connection between bullying, stress, and later diseases. Bullies tend to have less stress because they take out their anger on others.

And what about bullies? How do they fare in life? Bullies become bullies because they are imitating their parents or others who are bullies. Their parents look the other way or somehow reinforce their children’s bullying. When bullies grow up they became adults who have almost no awareness of their disorder. They rationalize it. They believe that some people deserve to be bullied because they are selfish, uppidy, or have a different, unpopular point of view. Although bullies have less stress, they often have their own personality disorders that can eventually bring havoc to their lives. Their power-mad attitude may result in some kind of emotional crash.

Both childhood bullies and childhood victims of bullying may become bullies to their own children; they become parents who have the attitude “It’s my way or the highway.” They have never learned to express their anger in an appropriate way, and so when they are in a position of power (as parents are) they abuse their power.

Bullying is complicated and, as I said before, pervasive. It starts in families but it takes place in all aspects of life. It occurs in schools, in companies, in athletics, in religions, and in politics. Individuals can be bullies and groups can be bullies. The Nazis in Germany before and during World War II are a notorious example of group bullying, as are the Muslim terrorists in our own time. Any group that uses intimidation, manipulation, guilt-tripping or other methods might be described as a bully. Any group that disparages another group, that accuses another group of being hateful, inferior, bigoted or in some way dangerous and uses that as an excuse to discriminate against that group, is a bully.

To end bullying, we must see it in all its varieties and in all its complications: which means, we must understand that both the bully and the victim of bullying contribute to the syndrome. The phrase, “Don’t blame the victim,” is a simplistic phrase the discourages us from looking at the complexity of bullying.

To end bullying, we must see the bully in ourselves. That’s the hard part.



** If you or someone you know is struggling with bullying, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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How to Fight Fair

4/10/2015

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By Holly Brown, LMFT, on PsychCentral


In a healthy relationship, fights are going to happen.  (Often, a complete absence of fights is a sign partners have become irrevocably disconnected.)  So the goal isn’t to eradicate all fights; it’s to make sure you’re fighting well.

What I mean is, a good fight is one that’s productive: grievances are aired, resentments are released, both parties ultimately feel understood, and the least possible emotional damage was inflicted.  A bad fight is–well, the opposite of that.

If you’ve been having bad fights, this is a great post to read with your partner.  If you can agree to the ground rules in here (and maybe even put them on the fridge or somewhere you can reference them), that can start turn things around.  So here goes!

1)  Remember that at the core, your partner is someone you love and respect.

Sure, you’re mad at him/her right now.  But you chose this person as your partner for a reason, and before you unload all your frustration and anger, it’s actually a good time to remind yourself of that.

Reinforce that your partner is your teammate.  You each bear some responsibility for a fight, as it’s about the dynamic that’s occurring between you; you’re both contributing to that dynamic.  Whatever communication problem you’re having, you need to solve it together.

2)  Draw on your communication skills, and possibly your anger management tools.

Communication skills rest on this fundamental principle: Express what you feel, don’t attack the other person’s intentions.  That’s the purpose of “I” statements.  You only know what you feel, you don’t know your partner’s motivations or intentions, even if you think you do.  So start from that place, and be open-minded to what the other person will say in return.

Making assumptions about your partner will only produce defensiveness, so avoid that as much as possible.

Anger management tools include deep breathing and taking a break when the conversation is getting too heated (preferably, early on in the conversation, as that will mean it’s a shorter break and you can get to resolving things quicker.)  Monitoring your rising frustration and anger helps.

For example, on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not at all angry and 10 is Mount Vesuvius, notice when you’re going up in numbers quickly.  Take a break before you reach 5.  Once you’re at a 7 or 8, your higher brain functioning and impulse control will get worse and the odds are, the argument will cease to be productive.

If you’re not able to control your impulses and your anger (or your partner isn’t), it’s a good time to seek out a self-help book, a class, or a therapist.

3)  Notice your own reactions, instead of focusing on the other person’s.

You want to avoid the “You made me…” syndrome.  We’re all responsible for our own responses.  Your partner might be doing a lot of things, some of the provocative, but he/she can’t make you do anything.

If you’re upset by how your partner is talking to you, say that clearly.  Point out that the tone or the word choice doesn’t feel helpful, or that it actually feels hurtful.  Agree with your partner, ahead of time, that when one of you does point things like that out, the other person will work to alter their demeanor/delivery.

If your partner won’t agree to that, won’t take responsibility for changing, and/or blames you for everything, you might be looking at an emotionally abusive relationship.  For more on that, please read my recent posts: Are You Being Emotionally Abused? and (if need be) the follow-up You’re Being Emotionally Abused–What Do You Do About it?.

But remember that a healthy relationship does involve conflict.  You’re not one person, after all, and how boring would it be if you were?  You’re going to disagree, and sometimes you’ll be irritable or stressed or in any one of a number of situations that increases the likelihood a fight will occur.  But you’re also in it together.



** If you or someone you know is struggling in your relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule a Couples Initial Assessment. 

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Postpartum Difficulties Not Just Limited to Depression

12/19/2014

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Published by Traci Pedersen on PsychCentral


Beyond postpartum depression, there are several other lesser-known mental health risks during the perinatal period (just before and after a baby is born), and this includes the added pressure of becoming a “super” mom or dad, according to a University of Kansas researcher who will present her findings at the 109th Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association.

“Both mothers and fathers need to pay attention to their mental health during the perinatal period, and they need to watch for these other types of conditions, not just depression,” said Carrie Wendel-Hummell, a doctoral candidate in sociology.

“Anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychosis, and bipolar disorder are all shaped by circumstances that surround having a baby.”

For the study, Wendel-Hummell conducted in-depth interviews with 17 new fathers and 30 new mothers primarily from Kansas and Missouri. The participants represented a range of low-income to middle-class parents. There was no requirement that subjects have a perinatal mental health condition, but all participants happened to have prolonged symptoms of at least one.

According to Wendel-Hummell, the goal of the study was to highlight the biological and sociological problems that new parents face. Medical researchers for years had attributed postpartum depression in new mothers to hormonal changes, despite evidence to the contrary.

“It has been framed so much as being a hormonal disorder, but the evidence there is actually very limited,” she said. “Childbirth itself is a life change and a life stressor, so actually there’s far more evidence that those risk factors are the cause, more so than hormones.”

Stressed parents in the study generally reported worries about social problems, including cultural expectations of parenting, relationship stress, family-work balance issues, and struggles with poverty.

At the root of their perinatal mental health issues, low-income parents reported ongoing struggles of tending to their baby’s basic needs in the face of low wages and job insecurity, as well as finding affordable quality childcare, reliable transportation, and safe housing.

“Many of these parents were unable to afford mental health treatment. Frequently, pregnancy-based Medicaid is cut off after a post-birth appointment, which prevents coverage of treatment of postpartum depression or other post-pregnancy mental health disorders,” Wendel-Hummell said.

“They aren’t getting the support they need,” she said.

As for middle-class moms and dads, these parents tend to put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect mothers and fathers.

“Middle-class mothers often try to do everything to balance work and home life, and fathers are increasingly attempting to do the same,” she said. “This pressure can exacerbate mental health conditions. If everything is not perfect, they feel like failures — and mothers tend to internalize that guilt.”

“Fathers often suffer from stress from working in places that did not have family-friendly leave policies and from generally lacking resources to prepare them for fatherhood,” Wendel-Hummell said.

“Nobody is asking about the father and how he’s doing,” she said. “People typically focus on the mom and the infant, so not only is it more difficult for men to express their emotions, nobody is opening up that window for them either.”

She notes a need for more awareness of these perinatal mental health conditions and, in addition, to find ways to screen for them.

“We really only have a screening procedure for depression,” she said. “There should be improved screening, and it should be done in the later stages of women’s pregnancy and throughout that first year after the baby is born, for both mothers and fathers.

“We focus way too much on, ‘how do we fix this individual,’ but we really need to address the state of social and family policy,” Wendel-Hummell said.



** If you or someone you know is struggling postpartum, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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How to Spot a Narcissist

11/13/2014

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Published by Holly Brown, LMFT, on PsychCentral

A lot of people assume narcissists are easy to spot, that they talk obsessively about themselves, for example, or never seem to care what you have to say.  Those are the obvious narcissists.  This post is about the charming narcissists who can fly under the radar until you feel like you’re in too deep to get out.

I’ve written before about how to know you're involved with a narcissist, and on strategies for handling the narcissist in your life.  This post, hopefully, will help you avoid entanglements with people who could cause you a lot of pain down the line.

It’s the kind of post my characters Rachel and Marley might have benefited from, in my novel "Don't Try to Find Me"  And it might be particularly useful for those of you who are currently dating and trying to find a partner.  Maybe you’re on the fence about someone, and this could help you make a decision one way or the other.

When it comes to narcissists, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Getting out early might be your best move.  Okay, on to the tips:


1)  TRUST YOUR GUT!

I can’t stress this one enough.  If your gut is telling you that something is off, if another person inspires some sort of anxiety that you can’t quite comprehend–then look deeper.  You might feel like, “Hey, there’s no reason for me to be uneasy, it’s all going great, he/she is such a good catch!”  But ask yourself why no one has caught them.

When you’re talking to a bright, witty, charming, interesting narcissist, you will feel swept up.  You might feel a certain exhilaration, a loss of control, even.  Temporarily, this can be a positive feeling.

Long-term, though, what it means is that YOU ARE NOT PARTICULARLY RELEVANT.  The narcissist is merely looking for an audience.  The reason you don’t feel entirely present is because you don’t have to be.  You’re a prop, a way for the narcissist to feel temporarily good about himself/herself.  Essentially, you’re being used.

2)  You don’t feel truly listened to or empathized with.  It all feels somehow…surface.

That’s because narcissists often learn over time that in order to get the approval they seek, they need to give the other person something.  But it’s almost like the expression: His smile didn’t reach his eyes.  There’s a sense that something else is going on, or being withheld.  Again, this is largely something instinctive.

And the reason you are questioning yourself is because it is on this subterranean level.  On the surface, you’re not being disrespected.  But you’re not being valued either.

3)  Consider whether self-involved people often seem drawn to you.

If this is the case, then think about whether this is another person in a long line.  You might want to think back to your family relationships while you were growing up.  Did one or both of your parents train you, on some level, to be appreciative of others to the exclusion of your own needs?  Was an important person in your early life a narcissist as well?  Might be time to recognize (and break ) a pattern.

4)  You notice that somehow, you’re always ending up doing it the other person’s way.

This might mean that you’re always at the restaurant of their choice, or doing the activity they like.  You might find you drive to his/her house much more than the reverse occurs.  And you might not even know why this has happened, because the (suspected) narcissist seems nice enough, and willing enough, to do it your way.

But not really.  Essentially, they are saying they are open to your ideas, suggestions, and preferences, but then there’s always some reason why that doesn’t exactly work, or why the (suspected) narcissist’s way is actually better.  It might be that there’s a subtle pressure to go along in order to please the narcissist–perhaps he/she radiated very subtle disapproval through a variety of cues, and you’re picking up on these and it’s activating some anxiety, and so in order to relieve that anxiety, it’s just better to give in.  Which leads to….

5)  You tend to want to please people, and this new person in your life seems to feed on that.

While he/she may seem to be validating you (for example, giving you affection and compliments), there’s always something held back, perhaps the suggestion that the relationship can be damaged or lost.

A narcissist can often recognize a people-pleaser, almost like a homing pigeon.  A people-pleaser and a narcissist fit together like a lock and a key, often forging a very dysfunctional but enduring bond.

That’s why it’s key to examine your own motivations, reactions, impulses, intentions, and self-esteem. Because narcissists can spot you, so make sure you can spot them back. Then you can get out before the bond solidifies.



** If you or someone you know is struggling in a relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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