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Managing Unhappy Relatives at Holiday Time

10/27/2017

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Published by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Almost all families seem to have at least one member who has made a career of being unhappy. In their distress, these people accuse, complain, sigh, and make it difficult for others to enjoy the moment. In their misery, it’s hard for them to let others be happy. In their loneliness and pain, they seem to do everything possible to stay lonely.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, you’re probably dreading the fact that the cousin or aunt or in-law who always casts a pall on holiday get-togethers is going to be at your table again. You’re not looking forward to making small talk with someone who can make even the weather seem like a personal tragedy. It’s tempting to not invite such folks to family gatherings. It’s tempting to stay away yourself. But the bonds of family are such that to do either of those things just doesn’t seem right. To give in to these temptations feels like letting the bad stuff in the world win. Let’s talk about what you can do instead.

Merely “Down” or Really Depressed?

Some people do seem to look at the world through “dark, cloud-colored glasses.” Unlike the rose-colored kind, these glasses make everything look impossible, disappointing, or hopeless. People who wear them seem like they can’t be talked out of what they see or talked into taking them off. People who seem to be wearing them all the time are depressed.

It’s very important to distinguish between someone who is temporarily “down” and someone who is suffering from clinical depression. People who are “down” respond to the concern of family and friends and some common sense cheering up. Clinical depression is a serious mental disorder that needs professional treatment as well as the support of a loving family. “Down” usually has some “ups” throughout the day; depression is pervasive and affects the whole day. “Down” is usually related to a specific event; depression is a cloud that settles over someone’s entire life.

If you think a relative is clinically depressed, maybe it’s time for the family to face it together and to gently speak to that person about getting some professional treatment. Modern medicine, coupled with psychotherapy, usually can help.

Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes (and certainly not in time for Thanksgiving this year). It generally takes at least a month of taking medication to make a difference and many more months of psychotherapy to learn how to handle depression and prevent it from dominating one’s life. But even knowing that someone has begun treatment can help both that individual and the family. There’s some comfort to be found it knowing that someone is finally doing something about the problem.

Tips for Managing Unhappy or Depressed Relatives

Regardless of whether an unhappy or depressed relative is in treatment, he or she can still make the day less than enjoyable for everyone else. Here are some tried and true ideas for preventing one person’s negativity from ruining everyone else’s day:

Find compassion within yourself for this person. 
After all, here is someone who is partaking of the emotional feast that holidays offer and is still starving for compassionate attention. Do offer your heartfelt sympathy. Don’t get into an argument about whether the person really has things to be thankful for—it’s pointless. Even if he or she can acknowledge the truth of it, it won’t help him or her feel any better—and, pretty soon, you’re in an argument!
Strategize ahead of time.
It’s not new information that so-and-so is critical and impossible. Think about ways you can excuse yourself from the situation when you need a breather. (There’s always the bathroom.)
Talk to other family members about taking turns being the ear for the difficult relative. (It’s unfair to let anyone bear the brunt of it for a whole day.) Arrange ahead of time to have a distraction or two available. How about a new jigsaw puzzle to work on or new board game for everyone to play while waiting for dinner? How about a family-friendly video?

It’s hard to be active and depressed.
Organize a hike or a walk after dinner. Touch football, raking the leaves, or tumbling with little kids is incompatible with the blues. Exercise releases endorphins, the natural antidote to depression.
Eliminate alcohol from family festivities. 
If you can’t eliminate it altogether, at least reduce it. Although many people have the idea that drinking makes them feel better, it can have the opposite effect — especially for people fighting depression. Depressed people who drink become more depressed.

Gently refuse to join in the negativity.
It’s so easy to find things to complain about. And it at least gives you something to talk about with the person who no one wants to talk to. (Misery does love company.) But this type of complaining tends to feed on itself and grow. Next thing you know, you’ll be feeling as bad as the person who started it!

Most important, quietly count your own blessings.
If you are one of those lucky enough not to have ever been depressed, you are fortunate indeed. If you once were depressed, you know how lucky you really are. Every day is a wonderful gift and every person in it who loves us (especially the depressed ones who have to struggle so hard to be in life with us) is part of that gift.
Remember, an unhappy or depressed relative doesn’t have to spoil your mood or that of the entire family, nor ruin the day. You have a choice about how you can react to such moods and such people, and you can choose to politely engage them in limited conversation. But then focus your attention and enjoyment on the holiday fun and family who are enjoying the company of one another.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!



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Being Grateful Despite Challenges

10/27/2017

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Published by Annabella Hagen, LCSW, RPT-S on PsychCentral

​
There are times when we may feel like we cannot be grateful about anything in our lives. Losing a job or feeling burned out can contribute to one’s negative attitude. Experiencing financial losses or not being able to make ends meet can hurt deeply. Enduring physical or mental health challenges can drive us to feel hopeless. Missing a loved one, seeing one’s child suffer, and relationship difficulties could be additional reasons to feel apathetic.

The list can go on, but research shows that it’s possible to change our perspective despite life’s hardships. We can change our brain chemistry toward feeling more at peace with ourselves and become more grateful. Consider the following points:

“There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient.” This common advice is given when friends and family are struggling. It can be helpful. However, some may say, “I keep looking for that light, but it’s nowhere in sight!” Indeed, life takes us through dark tunnels and sometimes we aren’t sure when we’ll ever see the light. Impatience and despair may result when we choose to focus on waiting. It’s wiser to adjust to the dark and find other alternatives.

Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” We can decide to focus on what we can control and what matters. How we react to the dark tunnels is our choice.

Research also indicates that when individuals let go of their negativity and are able to shift their focus, they become resilient. Stress and adversity can be beneficial, but only if we believe it is. Consider these three questions to help you maintain a more positive attitude:

What is something positive that I can learn about this unpleasant experience?
How can this situation help me become more resilient?
What will I learn that will enable me to help others?
Can you accept your reality or are you in denial? Sometimes we create a composite of what life ought to be based on what we think others have. It isn’t fair for us to compare our lives with that of others because we’ll never know every detail about them. It’s not useful and can only take us on a downward spiral.

The more we dwell on what we don’t have, the more frustrated and negative we can become. Sometimes we need to accept a loss — what we don’t have at that moment. This doesn’t mean giving up. It means we need to accept what is and do our best with what we have. We can be ready to take what comes our way.

The all-or-nothing thinking pattern may lead us to believe that if we don’t have what we want, it must mean we can’t attain joy and happiness until we do. Emotional reasoning is another thinking error that creates the belief that something must be true because it feels so. Feeling sad, frustrated and disappointed doesn’t mean life has to be that way. When we focus only on the negative details and keep dwelling on them instead of noticing the positive aspects of our lives, we may be experiencing tunnel vision. This thinking error will also impair our ability to become grateful.

Studies regarding oxytocin tell us that this hormone helps us crave for physical contact with our family and friends. It enhances our empathy and helps us support those we care about. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist, says that oxytocin also is released when we experience difficulties and stress. She reminds us that oxytocin prompts us to connect with others.

Simply put, physiologically, we are not meant to be alone when we are under stress. Unfortunately, our thinking errors may cloud our mind, and we may choose to isolate ourselves. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Being physically near our loved ones may not be possible right when we need them. Mindfully thinking about them can still be beneficial. Linda Graham, MFT and author of “Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being,” says that when we experience difficult situations, we can take a few seconds to think of several people whom we would like to have near us at that time. We can imagine them being fully present and supportive.

Additionally, you can think of someone who makes you laugh or smile. Remember someone who would appreciate a phone call, a text, or a visit. What would you tell them? What would they say? Think of someone you admire and respect. That person may or may not be alive. An historical figure also could be an option. What would this person’s advice be at this time? Think about it, take it in, and carry on.

You might consider keeping a gratitude journal. This is a well-known, effective tool to increase gratitude. Scheduling your writing before bedtime is helpful. Start with small, positive aspects of your day. Is it a smile from a stranger, barely catching the bus, a phone call, not having to wait in line at the store, a quote you read that inspired you? Notice the good in every situation. What is there now that you didn’t notice before?

Starting with small deeds and circumstances can help you see the big picture. As you continue to decrease your thinking errors and connect with the people that matter, you’ll be able to endure life’s difficulties. As you do, you’ll become more resilient. You’ll be able to appreciate whatever comes your way and be grateful.
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7 Ways to Practice Gratitude When You're Feeling Depressed

10/23/2017

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Published by Sharon Martin, LCSW on PsychCentral
​

Are you feeling down and not particularly grateful this Thanksgiving?

Well, you’re not the only one who can’t muster that grateful feeling. Depression, sadness, grief, and loneliness can make it difficult to do much of anything at times. When you’re depressed, you tend to focus on the negatives.

Perhaps you’re out of work or dreading seeing your high-conflict family. Or maybe you’re grieving or struggling with physical or mental health problems. You may be worried about terrorism and the general unpredictability of our world. Unfortunately, our problems don’t just disappear because it’s a holiday. When things are going wrong and you’re struggling, it’s hard to feel thankful.

Why bother practicing gratitude?

Finding something to be grateful for can feel like an awful lot of work. So, why bother?

Gratitude won’t cure chronic depression or a broken heart, but it may help ease your pain just a bit. Gratitude can provide hope. According to John Harrison, MA, LPCC, “Gratitude in moments of despair might simply be an awareness that your despair isn’t going to consume you.” And Jennifer Owens, LCSW, LMT, CPT,  adds that “Gratitude reminds you of what you still have left and takes your mind off (if even for a moment) the pain you are suffering.”

I decided to consult mental health and relationship experts to provide you with some strategies for practicing gratitude when you’re feeling depressed. They each offer a different perspective and I hope at least one of them will spark your interest in gratitude as a useful part of feeling better.

 1. Find something that doesn’t hurt

Shifting your focus away from your physical pain can provide a different source for gratitude. “When you are feeling physical pain (like body aches with depression or stomach aches with anxiety) find one part of your body that doesn’t hurt and tell it thank you! Repeat the phrase out loud, ‘I am grateful for my big toe, that doesn’t bother me and helps me to walk,’ ” recommends Owens.

2. Connect with others

Harrison suggests that instead of specifically focusing on gratitude,  you can “make a conscious effort to connect to others: people you love, family, a trusted friend, a support group.  Just focus on connecting and being present with them without an expectation of any result.”

3. Remember a time when someone was kind to you

“Think about a few times people have helped you and shown you true kindness,” encourages Ruth Spalding, LMSW. “Maybe you remember the time you had a rough day and someone was very kind to you in helping you navigate some bureaucratic process and you can still remember how relieved you felt because you were on the verge of tears. Maybe you remember a teacher taking time out of their lunch hour to go over an assignment when you were a kid and really struggling.”

4. What can you learn?

We all know that growth can happen as a result of struggle, but that doesn’t make it any easier when we’re in the middle of something overwhelming or painful. Lorena Duncan, LMFT, challenges you to change your thinking when dealing with negative or toxic people. She says, “I’ve found it helpful to reflect on them  as my Noble Adversaries and ask myself, ‘What are they here to teach me? What am I supposed to learn?'”

5. Express it

You can also give your mood a boost by expressing your appreciation for others. Owens suggests, “Call, text or email someone you are close to just to tell them to have a good day or that they are an amazing person. You could even thank them for being alive or compliment them on something you admire.”

Expressing gratitude for your ex is a tall order. Nicol Stolar-Peterson, a child custody evaluator, encourages parents to send videos or pictures of their child to the parent who doesn’t have visitation that holiday. She finds this can “build upon empathy, for not only the sake of the child, but for the sake of the parent. Gratitude for another parent, even when things have gone horribly wrong, creates an opportunity for growth.”

6. Focus externally

Renee Beck, LMFT, provides this useful mindfulness exercise: “I’m grateful for this hot cup of tea. What is right in front of you? Chances are, there is something on your desk that holds some beauty. I am grateful for the texture of this old, wood desk. No? Nothing catches your eye? Look further. I am grateful for the small ray of sunlight coming in the window. No sun? Look out the window, or open the door. I am grateful for the smell of fresh air. Are there any plants or trees nearby? I am grateful for that shade of green. Is it cold? I am grateful for the warmth of this blanket around my shoulders.  Most gratitude exercises ask you to write three to five things you are grateful for; we just wrote six. Done! Our gratefulness can be accessed by little things throughout the day.”

 7. Pay it forward

Even in your struggles, you probably realize there are people less fortunate. Angelica Shiels, Psy.D. shares her personal experience: “When I was in college, feeling sorry for myself because the only things I could afford were my disgusting apartment and ramen noodles, I drove across the country to volunteer (and live) in a homeless shelter for ten days. Suddenly I became very grateful.” Even if you can’t give that much of your time, volunteering for a couple hours or buying a homeless person a hot cup of coffee on a cold morning is a win-win.

Now it’s your turn. How will you stretch beyond your depressed mood and try to practice gratitude?
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