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5 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

9/25/2015

Published by Jessica O. Hunter, Psy.D. on PsychCentral

You feel connected, he understands you, he’s different from the others. Your friends just don’t understand.

Often these are the signs we use to determine whether or not we are “in love”. These days, we begin dating and get to know new people through social media, texting, Facetime, Snapchat. It is even more difficult to meet and get to know someone. There is less and less face-to-face time.

So when we do, and we feel that “connection” and we believe we have found love.

It feels good, the texts show he cares and he speaks to us in ways that make us feel special.

So how do we know if this is real love or simply lust? Often, what we think is love is actually lust and there may be signs of a possible toxic relationship in the future. Here are five signs of a possible toxic relationship:

1. The communication is intense, frequent and almost all through social media or texting in the beginning. It is continuous and fast-paced. It feels like there is an intense need to “speak” or text all the time throughout the day.

2. The information you get is “surface” and does not reveal a lot of detail when getting to know each other. When you do get information you may hear red flags such as “I am not good at relationships” or “I am a jealous person”. You may want to listen to this information and investigate further.

3. You may hear from him very frequently at first and the relationship may move very quickly, this may even go against your instinct. After these periods of intensity, you may notice times when the communication stops and becomes more infrequent without warning.

4. Increase in possessiveness as the relationship grows more serious. The manner in which you communicate may become more toxic and conflicted; arguments may spark at a time when you should just be getting to know each other.

5. The intensity of the relationship grows in a short period of time. You may witness periods of arguing and then making up. These periods of arguing may even lead to more intense intimacy.

Keep these simple guidelines in mind if you feel your relationship is becoming unhealthy. It may be that what feels like true love is in fact growing into a toxic relationship.

How to Recover from an Abusive Relationship

9/25/2015

Published by Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC, on PsychCentral

Recovering from an abusive relationship may take both time and attention.

From my perspective, the old adage “time heals all wounds” needs to be altered. Time and attention heals wounds. An ignored wound may just get worse and grow larger if it isn’t taken care of.

The healing process often can’t really start until you are out of the relationship. When you are in it, it’s difficult to allow yourself to see how bad it really is. When it’s over, you may be overwhelmed with pent-up painful emotions.

Let the realizations and accompanying pain percolate. Acknowledge it. Processing it can help the pain flow through; trying to ignore it can result in it getting stuck inside or festering into something even bigger.

If your ex pours on the abuse through a divorce or behaves vengefully after a breakup, it will likely be very painful dealing with them and the havoc they create.

One man who felt isolated and alone as he went through a nasty divorce from an abusive woman admitted: “I felt like I wouldn’t survive the divorce. I went into a black hole. I had struggled for so many years trying to figure out how to make her happy. How do you deal with someone you loved totally betraying you?”

The way to deal with it is to:

Acknowledge the reality of what you have been living with.
Remind yourself that their view of you is distorted by their own agenda, history, and health.
Stop being shocked by their doing what fits their personality and patterns.
Acknowledge your emotions, such as frustration, regret, feeling foolish and taken advantage of, and fear.

A person recovering from an abusive relationship offers this advice: “Whatever they are doing isn’t your business. As fast as humanly possible, recognize what’s yours and what’s not. Put down what’s not yours. Lose the anger. Any venom has got to go. The hurt takes longer.”

Quickly or slowly, life should get better.

Sometimes, having been in an abusive relationship brings up skepticism about relationships in general. It may be difficult to trust another potential partner when the last one created havoc in your life, drained your energy, or morphed from a friend into an enemy.

To protect yourself from getting involved in another abusive relationship, take time to reflect on what has happened to you. If you don’t learn from your past, history may repeat itself. You may find yourself in a similar relationship.

Debrief the abusive relationship experience. Notice:

what contributed to you being pulled into the relationship, and
any red flags that you chose to overlook previously or didn’t recognize at the time.

Work through any personal issues that may have contributed to you getting pulled into an abusive relationship Try to take a new relationship slowly. Keep your eyes wide open, taking in the information about who the new person really is.

Look for signs that the new potential partner takes responsibility for his or her attitudes and actions. Do they recognize how those affect other people?

Do they make a lot of excuses?
Do they blame others or circumstances for their situation?
Can they admit to making a mistake?
Can they give a genuine apology?

Be careful that you don’t fall for the opposite of the particular abuse you experienced. Look for a person who is assertive, rather than either passive or aggressive. And work on developing a healthy balance within yourself so that you attract a healthy partner and let go of unhealthy ones.

This Word Finally Ended my Abusive Relationship

9/22/2015

Published by Elle D. Charles for YourTango.com on PsychCentral

It took me five years to finally escape from my abusive relationship. And this one word did it.

Five years. That’s how long it took for me to wake up.

Five years of being a b*tch. Of being an idiot. Of being too embarrassingly fat or ugly to be seen with in public. Of getting in trouble from chewing my food the wrong way. Of tripping in the hallway and being ridiculed because, after all, “Who does that?”

Five years of marriage and it was always my fault.

I was never enough. There was always something I needed to do better. There was always something I need to be more of in order to be enough — or maybe enough to make my husband stop abusing me.

I sat alone and cried for two hours straight on our first married Christmas. He sat downstairs, ignoring me. I was too boring for him so he wasn’t going to let me ruin his holiday.

I cried and cried and cried and cried. How did I get here, into this abusive relationship? How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so dumb?

After one year of marriage, I had a mental breakdown. Panic attacks every twenty to thirty minutes for 48 hours straight.

I could sleep, if only my heartbeat would quiet down, but the constant thud thud thud thud in my ears boomed and my chest shook with every beat as I lay awake thinking to myself, “This is it. I’m dying.”

I was terrified. His home was my prison. He didn’t speak to me for three days because I needed to be punished for going crazy.

I thought he was my rescuer. My fixer. My savior. And he left me all alone. I was too afraid to tell anyone else about my anxiety, about my marriage.

No one would rescue me, so I needed to rescue myself.

Six months of anxiety. That’s how long it took me to realize that his words didn’t define me. That my self-esteem didn’t rely on what anyone said about me — what they liked or didn’t like, what they wanted or didn’t want, what I was and what I never would be.

Growing up in a conservative Christian home, divorce was next to murder. Admitting to having marital struggles in the first year was common but it’s not something you talk about while you’re in the midst of it.

People can’t handle that. They can only handle stories of redemption packaged with pretty bows. Not stories in the midst of the shit storm.

“It’s not grounds for divorce. It’s grounds for separation. If he had an affair, that would be a different story,” my counselor told me.

How could this not be grounds for divorce? How could a constant barrage of control and manipulation, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse not justify divorce? How could I be stuck for the rest of my life?

I just wanted out but I was determined to make it work. I was determined to someday have a healthy home and if I couldn’t leave him, then I would make him change. It would be a miracle and I was set on seeing it to completion.

But the years went on and he drifted further and further and further away. He acknowledged the abuse and said he’d get better, over and over and over again. So I held out for him.

He’d be nice to be for a week and then he’d relapse. As time went on, the “nice” times became more and more brief. Kinds words for twenty minutes. If I didn’t seem grateful enough or repay him sexually, then the barrage would begin again.

Against all reason, I stayed.

I saw happy couples and resisted the urge to punch them. I ran into men in the grocery store who treated me better than my own husband and a little voice inside of me whispered, “You could do better. You really could be loved.”

I hushed the voice, put my head down, and I moved on. This was my lot. This was my cross to bear. This was the thorn in my side. This was punishment for my own foolishness. And I harbored it all as silently as I could, pressing through the pain, shaking off the insult and plastering on smiles through tear-filled eyes.

At four and a half years, my best friend pulled me aside. “You have to get out,” she said. How did she even know? Was it that obvious?

In that moment, I didn’t even feel shame at his actions being exposed. I felt a tiny glimmer of hope. I reached for that glimmer and ran, but he snatched it away.

“I promise I’ll change. For real this time. You can’t leave. Just give me one more chance.”

So I did. And one more chance turned into six more months of chances, of abuse and of lies.

Two weeks after our fifth wedding anniversary, I sat on the phone with my best friend and she told me it was time. I knew it. I knew it was. I knew I had to take the leap, put myself on the line, and get out.

With tears streaming down my face, I knew that this was my ticket to freedom. I just never knew the amount of bravery it would take to get there.

And so, with bags in hand. I took the first step. It was the most terrifying and courageous step I have taken in my entire life, but it gave me the strength to take the next step.

And this time, when he said, “Give me one more chance. I promise,” I looked back on those five years. Abuse. Lies. Shame. Five years of his prison.

And that’s when I looked him in the eye, mustering all the guts within me said the one word that flung open my cage and changed the course of my life: No.

Debunking 11 Domestic Violence Myths

9/22/2015

Published by Victor M. Parachin on YourTango.com on PsychCentral

Know the facts.

“If anything is truly equal opportunity, it is battering. Domestic violence crosses all socioeconomic, ethnic, racial, educational, age and religious lines.” – K. J. Wilson, author of When Violence Begins At Home.

Sadly, a US Department of Justice study indicates that approximately one million violent crimes are committed by former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends each year, with 85 percent of the victims being women.

For domestic violence to be defeated, it must begin with information. Here are eleven myths and facts about domestic violence.

Myth #1: Domestic Violence Is Only Physical.
Fact: Abusive actions against another person can be verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical. There are four basic types of domestic violence:

Physical: Shoving, slapping, punching, pushing, hitting, kicking and restraining.
Sexual: When one partner forces unwanted, unwelcome, uninvited sexual acts upon another.
Psychological: Verbal and emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, stalking, swearing, insulting, isolation from family and friends, forced financial dependence.
Attacks against property and pets: Breaking household objects, hitting walls, abusing or killing beloved pets.

Myth #2: Domestic Violence Is Not Common.

Fact: While precise statistics are difficult to determine, all signs indicate that domestic violence is more common than most people believe or want to believe.

For example, due to lack of space, shelters for battered women are able to admit only 10 to 40 percent of women who request admission. Another example is from divorced women. Though they make up less than 8 percent of the US population, they account for 75 percent of all battered women and report being assaulted 14 times more often than women still living with a partner. Whatever statistics are available are believed to be low because domestic violence is often not reported.

Myth #3: Domestic Violence Only Affects Women.

Fact: Abuse can happen to anyone! It can be directed at women, men, children, the elderly. It takes place among all social classes and all ethnic groups; however, women are the most targeted victims of domestic violence. Here are more statistics:

One in four American women report being physically assaulted and/or raped by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date at some time in their life.
Every day in the US three women are murdered by a husband or boyfriend.
A woman is beaten every 15 seconds, according to the FBI.
It is estimated that up to 10 million children witness an act of domestic violence annually.
Boys who witnessed domestic violence are more than twice as likely to abuse their wives or girlfriends than sons of nonviolent parents.
Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime.
While men are victims of domestic abuse, 92 percent of those subjected to violence are women.

Myth #4: Domestic Violence Only Occurs Among Lower Class or Minority or Rural Communities.

Fact: Domestic violence crosses all race and class lines. Similar rates of abuse are reported in cities, suburbs and rural areas, according to the Bureau of Justice.

Abusers can be found living in mansions, as well as mobile homes. In Not to People Like Us – Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, by Susan Weitzman, PhD., she presents case studies of domestic violence in families with higher than average incomes and levels of education.

Myth #5: Battered Women Can Just Leave.

Fact: A combination of factors make it very difficult for the abused to leave. These include family and social pressure, shame, financial barriers, children, and religious beliefs.

Up to 50 percent of women with children fleeing domestic violence become homeless because they leave the abuser. Also, many who are abused face psychological ambivalence about leaving.

One woman recalls, “My body still ached from being beaten by my husband a day earlier. But he kept pleading through the door. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll never do that to you again. I know I need help.’ I had a 2-week-old baby. I wanted to believe him. I opened the door.”

Her abuse continued for two more years before she gained the courage to leave.

Myth #6: Abuse Takes Place Because of Alcohol or Drugs.

Fact: Substance abuse does not cause domestic violence. However, drugs and alcohol do lower inhibitions while increasing the level of violence, often to more dangerous levels.

The US Department of Health and Human Services estimates that one-quarter to one-half of abusers have substance abuse issues.

Myth #7: Victims Can Just Fight Back or Walk Away.

Fact: Dealing with domestic violence is never as simple as fighting back or walking out the door.

“Most domestic abusers are men who are physically stronger than the women they abuse,” notes Joyce Zoldak in her book When Danger Hits Home: Survivors of Domestic Violence.

“In the case of elder abuse, the victims’ frail condition may limit their being able to defend themselves. When a child is being abused, the adult guardian is far more imposing — both physically and psychologically — than the victim.”

Myth #8: The Victim Provoked the Violence.

Fact: The abuser is completely responsible for the abuse. No one can say or do anything which warrants being beaten and battered. Abusers often try to deflect their responsibility by blaming the victim via comments, such as:

“You made me angry.”
“You made me jealous.”
“This would never have happened if you hadn’t done that.”
“I didn’t mean to do that, but you were out of control.”

Victims need to be assured that the abuse is not their fault.

Myth #9: Domestic Abuse Is a Private Matter and It’s None of My Business.

Fact: We all have a responsibility to care for one another.

Officials at the National Domestic Violence Hotline offer this advice to people who see or suspect domestic violence:

“Yes, it is your business. Maybe he’s your friend, your brother-in-law, your cousin, co-worker, gym partner or fishing buddy. You’ve noticed that he interrupts her, criticizes her family, yells at her or scares her. You hope that when they’re alone, it isn’t worse. The way he treats her makes you uncomfortable, but you don’t want to make him mad or lose his friendship. You surely don’t want to see him wreck his marriage or have to call the police.

What can you do? Say something. If you don’t, your silence is the same as saying abuse is OK. He could hurt someone, or end up in jail. Because you care, you need to do something…before it is too late.”

Myth #10: Partners Need Couples Counseling.

Fact: It is the abuser alone who needs counseling in order to change behavior.

Social worker Susan Schechter says couples counseling is “an inappropriate intervention that further endangers the woman…It encourages the abuser to blame the victim by examining her ‘role’ in his problem. By seeing the couple together, the therapist erroneously suggests that the partner, too, is responsible for the abusers behavior.

“Many women have been brutally beaten following couples counseling sessions in which they disclosed violence or coercion. The abuser alone must take responsibility for assaults and understand that family reunification is not his treatment goal: the goal is to stop the violence.”

Myth #11: Abusers Are Evil People.

Fact: “Anyone can find himself or herself in an abusive situation and most of us could also find ourselves tempted to be abusive to others, no matter how wrong we know it to be,” notes Joyce Zaldak.

Abusers are people who may be strong and stable in some areas of their lives, but weak, unreasonable, and out of control in other ways. This does not excuse their behavior because abuse is always wrong.

Abusers need to be held accountable for their actions and encouraged to seek help promptly by meeting with a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or spiritual leader.

With an informed community, with the help of family and friends, the cycle of abuse can be broken.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website.

13 Warning Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship

9/17/2015

Published by Melody Wilding, LMSW, on PsychCentral

Have you ever found yourself in a one-sided relationship where you felt as if you were the one doing all the giving, all the caring, while receiving nothing in return?

If this dynamic sounds familiar, it’s likely you’re trapped in the web of codependency, a pattern of behavior where your self-worth and identity hinges on another’s approval.

Codependency was first defined nearly 50 years ago to describe unhealthy relationships characterized by excessive control or compliance, often with one partner lacking self-sufficiency and autonomy.

The concept was originally conceived in the context of addiction. It helped to explain “enabling” patterns used to ease relationship tension caused by drug and alcohol abuse. We now understand that enabling behaviors (such as rescuing a partner, bailing them out, making and accepting excuses for their behavior, and constantly trying to fix problems) also are common in non-addiction-related codependent relationships.

Through constantly sacrificing for others and ignoring their own needs, codependents find self-esteem by winning a partner’s approval. Because they lack self-worth, codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others.

Codependent personalities tend to attract partners who are emotionally unstable. They may find themselves in relationship after relationship with needy, unreliable, or emotionally unavailable counterparts.

How can you tell if your relationship is unhealthy? Here’s a list of common feelings and symptoms associated with codependency. You may be in a codependent relationship if you identify with any of the following statements:

You feel as if your life revolves around your partner.
You cancel plans to accommodate your partner’s whims.
No matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough.
You’re a classic peacekeeper and people-pleaser.
You’ve found yourself in relationships with addicts, drug users, or have been verbally or physically abused.
You’re always smiling and try to appear cheery, even when you’re feeling mad or sad.
You play the role of caregiver in your family or with your partner.
You feel ashamed about what’s really going on inside your relationship, but keep that secret to yourself.
You feel trapped in the relationship, but feel that if you did leave, you’d be a horrible person for abandoning your partner
Your mood is dictated by your partner’s mood and behavior.
You feel devalued or disrespected in your relationship.
Anxiety is the emotion you feel most often in your relationship.
You spend a lot of time trying to conform or balance your partner’s wishes and preferences.

If you see any of these signs of codependency within yourself or your relationship, you’ve taken an important first step in rewiring dysfunctional patterns. Continue to educate yourself about the consequences of remaining in an unhealthy dynamic. By learning to identify and label codependent behaviors, you can begin to deconstruct the entanglement in your relationship.

Remember, healthy love is about creating partnerships that areinter-dependent and characterized by mutual respect and honesty. Recovery is possible through emotional healing and redefining the way you value yourself.

Depression in Children: Don't Overlook These Signs!

9/17/2015

Find Out the Meaning of Your Nightmares

9/17/2015

Published by Diana C Pitaru, MS, LPC, on PsychCentral

Ever wondered what your dreams and nightmares mean or where they are coming from?

Dreams have fascinated humanity since the beginning of time. Ancient spiritual leaders before religion, shamans in tribes and dream interpreters have all dabbled with understanding the meaning of dreams. Today dream science is still slow to understand the inner workings of dreams or the connections between the various parts of our brain and our dreams and nightmares.

We want to know what our dreams and nightmares mean because they are deeply personal to us:

they “happen” to us when we have the least control over ourselves and our surroundings.

And here is another interesting thing: it’s the nightmares and bad dreams that stick with us, that give us pause and over which we tend to want to gain a deeper understanding; positive dreams can also impact us, though they are not as memorable.

There are many people with just as many theories about the meaning of dreams. It is important to note this because different theories will lead to different outcomes and understanding.

For instance: If you see a Jungian shrink you will look into your unconscious whereas if you see a Gestalt therapist you’ll focus on identifying the parts of yourself that are played in the dream by various objects and people, and so on.

What’s the deal with nightmares?

Nightmares are terrifying dreams from which we wake up, unlike bad dreams through which we tend to sleep. Not always, but many times nightmares are associated with a form of trauma (such as PTSD) or a traumatic event (such as death) amongst other medical issues. If your nightmares occur regularly, seek help, find a therapist. Aside from clinical or severe cases though, the average person will experience nightmares once in a while.

Nightmares mark us, they strike to the core and we are wise to pay attention.

Regardless of your school of thought, nightmares are alarms triggered by something inside you that needs your attention. Some people believe that nightmares are the result of some fears we have. Recent research found that more often than not, more common emotions in dreams are disgust, guilt, confusion, and sadness. Correctly identifying the emotions underlying your dreams is a must if you wish to understand the meaning of your nightmares, address those issues and resolve them. Typically such work requires the help of a therapist.

Discover the meaning of your nightmares and dreams

The meaning of your nightmares is unique to you, that is to say that the same nightmare (if possible) will mean something different to each one that dreams it. Some people are tempted to take dreams out of the context of their life and rely on generalizations or universal loose dream interpretations; when we’re talking about dreams, there is no such thing as once size fits all approach. Everything that makes you who you are will help connect the dots when figuring out the meaning of your nightmares. You can try to figure out the meaning of your dreams and nightmares by yourself. Below are a couple suggestions that will help you along.

Tips:

Start a dream journal.

There are many phone apps that can help you keep track of your dreams or you can buy a nice journal and keep it by the bed for easy access when you need to write down your dreams and emotions surrounding them. Once you have 15-20 entries you might want to read back and see if anything pops up or if there are any patterns you may be missing out on. Pay attention to the emotions surrounding your dreams, that can be very telling.

Creative exploration

I am a photographer as well as a therapist and one way that I have been using for the past 10 years to work on my own dreams and nightmares is by enacting them in pictures (the photo at the beginning of the article is the result and representation of a nightmare).

Exploring your dreams through any art media can be a very powerful and therapeutic experience. Whatever it is you are struggling with you can benefit from some perspective, and dreams offer you just that.

Let me know if you want to give any of these tips a try, I’ll root for you!

5 Tips for Being More Patient in All Areas of Your Life

9/4/2015

Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., on PsychCentral

Many of us have a problem with patience. That is, we lack it. We might be impatient in all areas of our lives. Or we might get impatient in certain situations.

We might get impatient while waiting in line at the store, or sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Or waiting for an email to arrive in our inbox. Or hearing back from a potential employer.

Of course, the pace of our world doesn’t help with cultivating patience. Our society’s tempo is rapid-fire. We press “send” on an email, and it works in seconds (and how annoyed do you get if it takes a few seconds longer to actually send?). Our food comes with a time guarantee, or it’s free.

We’re able to walk into a grocery store, walk through any aisle and grab exactly what we need (without waiting hours in line only to find that the item sold out hours ago).

You probably know that being impatient isn’t helpful or healthy. When we try to speed things up, we only get worked up and stress ourselves out. Which affects everything from ruining a good meal to pushing people away, said Casey Radle, LPC, a therapist who specializes in anxiety, depression and self-esteem at Eddins Counseling Group in Houston, Texas.

She shared this example: You text your partner, but don’t hear back right away. You start growing impatient, which triggers feelings of frustration and insecurity. You start sending more and more texts. As a result, your partner gets annoyed or upset. They ignore you or send a frustrated text back, which triggers a fight.

Thankfully, if patience isn’t one of your virtues, you can learn to change your ways. Below, Radle shared five strategies that can help — no matter what your triggers are.

Adopt some relaxation tools. One valuable relaxation tool, which is always available to you, is deep breathing. Radle suggested taking deep, deliberate breaths. “Take approximately three to four seconds for each of these steps: inhale to fill up your lungs, hold, exhale slowly, and then pause before inhaling again.” Pair your deep breathing with a calming mantra, such as: “I am breathing in relaxation, and I am breathing out stress.”This helps you shift your attention from the source of your impatience to your breathing, slowing your heart rate and soothing your nervous system, she said.Other tools include meditation, guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation and yoga, Radle said.
Get curious. Curiosity “involves refraining from making assumptions and/or drawing conclusions based on limited information,” Radle said. She shared this example: If you haven’t heard back from a potential employer, don’t automatically assume they’re not interested in hiring you. Or don’t conclude they’re being rude or inconsiderate, she said.Instead, consider alternate explanations. Maybe the employer is out of the office. Maybe it’s taking longer than they expected to interview all the candidates. Maybe they’re negotiating with HR. Maybe they’re waiting for your references to return their calls.As Radle said, “Who knows for sure? Without all the facts, it’s not fair to you or to anyone else to make assumptions.”
Dig deeper. Pinpoint which part of the situation is anxiety-provoking for you, Radle said. Then “focus on your own emotional needs instead of focusing on the irritation and frustration you’re experiencing.” She suggested asking ourselves these questions: “What do I need right now? What about this is so uncomfortable? What would help me tolerate the waiting? What might be a better, more productive focus of my emotional energy?”
Accept the discomfort. According to Radle, “Acceptance involves recognizing that lots of aspects of our lives are beyond our scope of control and that not everyone in the world operates on our timelines.” She suggested accepting that waiting is uncomfortable, versus believing it’s intolerable.Even though it might seem counterintuitive, acceptance can be freeing and can bring calm. If you’re stuck in traffic, accepting that there’s nothing you can do helps you arrive at your destination a whole lot calmer than trying to exert control in an uncontrollable situation. Which, of course, is futile.(This is where practicing your relaxation techniques can really help, since it’s hard for us to remember this when we’re already triggered and fuming.)
Use the word “yet.” Radle suggested “befriending the word ‘yet.'” “Those three little letters infuse a great deal of hope, optimism, and tolerance into our lives.” That is, you haven’t heard back from the employer yet. You haven’t gotten to the front of the line yet. You haven’t achieved your goals yet. You haven’t found the right job yet. You haven’t found your home yet.

Patience is a muscle we can strengthen. The key is to employ some relaxation strategies, avoid making assumptions and refocus on our emotional needs.

Mind Wandering at Work? Try This to Refocus

9/4/2015

Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., on PsychCentral

You’re at work. You have a long list of tasks that require your full attention. But your brain keeps wandering, and you’re finding it harder and harder to focus — and to get anything done.

According to Victor Davich, a recognized authority on mindfulness meditation, “The most common reason people have difficulty focusing at work, and everywhere else in their lives, is their inability to be present in this moment.”

He described the work environment as an “amusement park” of things that hamper presence.This might be anything from multitasking to email to office politics, he said.

The solution?

Mindfulness. Both Davich, creator and author of the Amazon bestselling book 8 Minute Meditation, and Patricia Anderson, M.Ed., LPC, NCC, a psychotherapist at DCMindBody, stressed the importance of practicing mindfulness at work.

Ironically, workplace challenges, which impede presence, actually provide the perfect space for practicing mindfulness, Davich said.

That’s because “the more formidable the challenge, the greater the opportunity for change.” (Davich cited this common saying: “If you want a small enlightenment go to the country. If you want a big one, go to the city.”)

Below, Anderson and Davich share a list of mindful ways you can refocus when you’re easily distracted.

1. Practice meditation in the morning.

Anderson suggested finding a meditation you can do when you first get to work. You can try guided meditations, such as these options from UCLA. Or you can spend 5 minutes focusing on your breath (see below) or what you hear in your surroundings (while keeping your eyes closed), she said.

Anderson’s favorite meditation is a series of CDs by Jack Kornfield called “The Art of Meditation.” She also shared these other favorite resources:

Headspace.com provides guided meditation, helping to train your mind.
Calm.com lets you pick among guided meditations, music, nature sounds and different backgrounds.
Sittingtogether.com features different types of meditations, including loving-kindness and walking meditation.

2. Focus on your breath at any time.

Anderson suggested this breathing technique, which takes less than a minute: Put one hand right under your belly button and focus on expanding your lower belly (where your hand is) as you inhale. As you exhale, your stomach returns to its natural state. And your chest doesn’t move at all while you’re breathing, she said.

Take three breaths this way. Every time you do, focus on your breathing.

Davich suggested this practice:

“Take a deep breath or two and sigh it out.
Bring your attention to your breathing and the most prominent place in your body you feel it. Close your eyes, if possible. If that feels funny, gently relax them.
From this ‘anchor point,’ just allow your breath to come and go for a few minutes.”

3. Focus on your feet.

Get up from your desk, and find a hallway. Walk slowly for several minutes, paying attention to your feet as they touch the floor, Davich said. “Paying attention to the senses, particularly the sense of touch, helps ground you and brings you into the moment.”

Anderson also suggested focusing on walking any time you’re moving from one space to another. For instance, do this when you’re walking to a meeting, instead of thinking about the agenda or what happens after, she said.

When Anderson worked at a university, this is exactly what she did. “I really enjoyed going from meeting to meeting via the campus with wonderful landscaping and a variety of energies from high-energy college students to the rhythmic bells of the clock tower.”

4. Take meditative breaks.

When you’re taking a break from work, go outside and focus on one sense, Anderson said. For instance, this might be “only feeling the temperature and wind or the warmth of the sun.” Again, as Davich said, focusing on our senses grounds us.

5. Surround yourself with pleasant visuals.

“Have a piece of art or special pictures in your workspace that you can look at and enjoy to refocus you in a pleasant space,” Anderson said.

6. Know when you’re least focused.

To figure this out, every few hours for a week, assess your focus and the amount of work you’re able to accomplish during that time, Anderson said. After the week pay attention to any patterns — the times during the day you’re feeling more tired and sluggish, she said. For many that time is late afternoon.

Then use your least focused time to practice an attention-boosting activity, such as meditating, exercising or stretching, she said. (Anderson also suggested exercising four to six times a week for 20 to 30 minutes. But be sure to pick activities you genuinely enjoy.)

It’s easy for our minds to wander at work. There are plenty of tasks to be done, too much email to answer and distractions all around us (including smartphones and social media). Thankfully, we can help ourselves refocus by adopting simple practices we can turn to every day.

4 Rules for Apologizing

9/4/2015

Published by Sara Staggs, LICSW, MPH on PsychCentral

We all mess up. It’s just part of being human and connecting with other humans. So we all need to apologize once in a while. The thing is, a bad apology can be worse than no apology at all. So here are some tips on getting it right—and these also help me recognize what’s wrong if someone else’s apology feels icky.

Be clear

Name what you’re apologizing for. At the school where I work, kids are often told to apologize, but I want to make sure they understand why they’re apologizing. Do they understand what they did wrong? With adults, it can be easy to misunderstand why someone is upset. Being clear in the apology helps the listener to know that you understand what happened.

“I’m sorry that I lost my temper” or “I’m sorry that I broke your chair” are more helpful than a blanket “I’m sorry.”

Only apologize for your actions

Have you ever had someone apologize by saying, “I’m sorry you got upset?” That’s not an apology. Neither is “I’m sorry but you…” or “I’m sorry but I…” An apology is not the place for justification or blaming.

The apology is the place where you own your stuff. Many of our mistakes happen when we’re not our best selves—the apology is evidence that you recognize it wasn’t the best choice. And when it comes to owning our stuff, doesn’t matter whether the other person overreacted or baited you, the fact is that you didn’t behave as you wish you would have. Later you can think about the fact that this person baits you or otherwise doe

Commit to not doing the thing again

Many of us have known someone whose apologies don’t seem to weigh much because they do the same thing over and over again. Part of being sorry means that you are committing not to make the same mistake again. Sometimes it’s a matter of having information—“oh I thought that coffee was for the office, not your personal use”—and other times we need professional support to change our behavior. Children in particular may need instruction about this part.

Be sincere

With this one comes the image of the child, chastened by an authority figure, who looks at the floor and mumbles, “sorry” before running off. However, the adult equivalent is when someone dashes off a quick “I’m sorry” before launching into a litany of complaints an accusations. This is the child that grew up thinking that an apology was a cursory and thoughtless gesture.

Even if you meant no harm, even if your mistake was innocent and small, take a moment and reflect on the pain that was caused.

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