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Drowning in Love: What's Too Much of a Good Thing?

3/31/2014

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Published by Debra Manchester MacMannis, LCSW, on PsychCentral.

Definitions of smothering love: To express your love for someone too much; to cover someone or something completely; to insulate, to overwhelm.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs around. Especially here, especially now, in our rapidly moving, constantly changing modern world. Most parents seek out this job willingly and joyfully with the best of intentions. Doesn’t everyone want to raise happy healthy children who grow up into competent independent adults? Of course. So what goes wrong?

It is easy to pick out the parents who are not doing their jobs. These are the parents who have too many problems of their own to contend with–like substance abuse, severe untreated mental illness, domestic violence or highly conflictual marriages, inadequate physical and emotional resources–so that they are clearly unable to provide the nurturing and supervision that all children need. Anyone can understand why children raised in unsafe and chaotic environments are at risk for developing emotional or behavioral problems.

But what about the kids who come from loving homes with well-meaning parents who shower their kids with attention, affection, guidance and opportunities of all kinds. Can you ever love a child too much? Probably not. Can you smother a child with too much love and attention? Yes indeed.

Children (And Adults) Need Both Closeness and Distance

Parents today are far better informed about the importance of forming strong secure attachments with their infants. Babies need to know that their caregivers will meet not only their survival needs but their needs for touch, empathy, and connection. But with every passing year, children also need the freedom to explore independently in order to develop a sense of autonomy.

Finding the balance between the two is an exquisite dance of moving apart and then moving together again, like breathing in and breathing out, stepping forward and stepping back, leaning in and letting go. In my experience as a family therapist, I am seeing more and more parents struggling with the desire for too much closeness, and as a result producing kids–particularly teens and young adults–drowning in parental “love”.

In one highly publicized study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies by Holly Schiffrin and her team, young college students with hovering “helicopter” parents experienced their parents as controlling and undermining rather than supportive. Too much parental involvement was correlated with higher levels of anxiety and depression as well as decreased satisfaction with life. The overprotected students saw themselves as less competent and less able to function autonomously. The lower the sense of autonomy, the more the evidence of depression.

College counselors have names for these kids: crispies and teacups. The “crispies” are the college freshmen who arrive completely burned out from years of constant attention to achievement via AP classes, hundreds of volunteer hours, sports teams, and parental pressure to get into the best school. The “teacups” are so fragile that they break with the slightest stress.

These kids, suddenly on their own, without the muscles built up by independence and personal responsibility through childhood, often make bad choices regarding alcohol, drugs or sexual relationships once away from hovering parents. Many bomb out their freshman year. When I see these families in counseling, the parents are shell-shocked and confused. How did this happen when we loved our child so much?

What Are the Some Signs of Too Much Parental Involvement?
  • You are not letting your kids fail and learn from their mistakes.
  • You are not letting your kids do things for themselves.
  • You are trying to be more of a friend than a parent.
  • You don’t want your kids to be angry at you so you fail to set boundaries and stick to them.
  • You are doing your child’s homework.
  • You are doing things for your teen that they can do for themselves: laundry, getting places, schoolwork, college applications.
  • You are more emotionally connected with your child than with your spouse or other adults.
  • Your sense of self comes from your child’s accomplishments rather than your own.



Loving Without Smothering

If you see some of the telltale signs of that you are an over-involved parent in the list above, here are some tips to help you create a more healthy balance of closeness and distance in your relationship. Another question to ask yourself: how many times a day do you find yourself worried about one or all of your kids? Although parenting is a tough job, it shouldn’t be all consuming.

Tip #1: Remember that the goal of parenting is to foster independence and competency. If you are too close, your teen will have to push you away even harder so find ways to let go little by little with each passing year. Think about what your kid will have to be able to do to be fully independent. Start teaching those skills and attitudes now.

Tip #2: Teach your child how to work by allowing them to complete tasks on their own according to their age and ability. If you have done too many things for your child and not allowed him or her to struggle, then you are not teaching one of the basics. Adult life is not all fun and games–and work itself can be difficult, boring even, but give us a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Tip #3: Praise effort not intelligence. Not everyone can get A’s, win gold medals, or get promoted. In order to help your child develop competency, learn self-mastery and build the muscles necessary for adulthood, parents need to focus on effort more than outcomes.

Tip #4: Allow your child to experience pain, loss, and failures in order to develop resilience. If you cushion your child’s life too much, and solve problems for them, you deprive them of the opportunity of learning from natural consequences. If children can learn how to handle difficult situations when they are young, they will be stronger, realistic and more resourceful as adults.

Another definition of smothering is what we do to put out a fire. If you want to love your child AND keep the fire of that child’s passion, desire for freedom, curiosity and uniqueness burning brightly, take a step back and a deep breath. Love is also about letting go.



** If you or someone you know is struggling in their relationship with their kid(s), contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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7 Steps to Healing Broken Trust

3/28/2014

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Published by Linda & Charlie Bloom

Few people would argue with the idea that honesty is the best policy. Policies however are not always adhered to, even those that we believe in and support. Regardless of how much we may desire to live a life of integrity in which we “walk the talk” and live in accordance with our inner principles, it’s likely that there will be times that we miss the mark. Nobody’s perfect. Every relationship is going to have occasional slippage.

Great relationships however, require a high level of integrity in order to thrive. When a violation of trust, large or small, occurs it’s important to examine the conditions that contributed to the situation and to engage in a healing process that will restore trust and goodwill to the relationship.

A betrayal is a broken agreement, implicit or explicit, that is considered vital to the integrity of a relationship. The capacity of a relationship to recover from a betrayal has a lot to do with the responses, particularly on the part of the betrayer to the situation. The more open and non-defensive they are, the more likely it is that there will be resolution. When both partners are committed to this as an outcome, the likelihood increases exponentially.

When there has been a cover-up to a transgression, the lies and denials can do much more damage to the integrity of the relationship than the violation itself. Even if the offense is never revealed, there can still be great harm done to the foundation of the relationship. Trust is inevitably sacrificed even when secrets go undetected. Most, but not all betrayals and acts of deceit can be healed. While there is no generic template to apply to these situations, there are some guidelines that can facilitate the recovery process.

  1. Acknowledge your actions to your partner before, not after they find out. The sooner the better. The longer you have been living a lie, the deeper the damage, the more difficult the possibility of a full recovery, and the longer the healing process takes. Acknowledging the transgression before your partner affirms it from another source creates a higher level of trust than waiting until you’ve been found out.
  2. Get honest. Commit yourself to zero tolerance for dishonesty in your relationship. Even after you’ve successfully demonstrated your commitment, don’t be surprised if your partner needs a lot of evidence that you are trustworthy before they’ll be ready to believe anything you say. This will take time and will require patience on your part.
  3. Address the questions that your partner asks you. Don’t be defensive in response to your partner’s need for information. They need to make sure that you aren’t withholding anything else and they probably have a lot of questions that only you can answer. Be guided by the question “Is this information necessary for the healing of our relationship?” Keep in mind that your intention in this process is to communicate in a way that will restore good will. It’s not necessary to give details that will be unnecessarily inflammatory. Try to see the questions as an opportunity for you to demonstrate the kind of truth telling that your partner needs to see in order to begin to trust you again. Even if the questions seem to be repetitive or unnecessary, they need answers in order to come to terms with the situation.
  4. Listen to their feelings, all of them. Don’t analyze, evaluate, judge, or reason with your partner in regard to any of their feelings. Listening without disputing is not equivalent to agreeing with someone’s point of view. It’s possible to listen respectfully even if you don’t see eye to eye about everything. Feelings aren’t necessarily rational, but they are real. You will have your turn to express your perspective, but not until they’ve expressed what they want you to hear.
  5. Be patient. Reassure your partner that that they can take as much time as they need to rebuild trust. The process will probably take longer than you think it should and will require self-restraint and compassion. In the end however, it is likely to bring about a deepening of the connection between the two of you. Resist the temptation to urge them to “get over it”. Give your partner reassuring words like: “ I know that I am serious about this commitment and I understand that you need more time to see the evidence and trust me. I can give you all the time you need”.
  6. Take responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge the truth of what you’ve done and avoid any explanations, rationalizations, excuses, or justifications for your behavior. There will be a time to view things from a larger context when your partner may be more curious about what conditions in the relationship were contributing to the situation, but that will come later.
  7. Stay focused on your intention. The work of recovery from a breach of integrity in a committed partnership takes time and effort and can be humbling. The stakes are high, and the benefits from doing the work are enormous. A successful healing can transform a damaged partnership into a sacred union. Many couples have told us that in the end, the crisis that came from the betrayal ultimately led to a profound deepening of the love and trust that they both currently share.
Keeping your word in the first place will spare you the anguish of healing a betrayal. But in those cases in which the damage is already done, most of the time, recovery is a real possibility. And the benefits greatly outweigh the costs of reconciliation. Take it from the thousands of couples who have found out for themselves.


* If you or someone you know is struggling with trust in their relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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10 Steps to Help Beat Procrastination

3/28/2014

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Published by Helen Nieves on PsychCentral

Procrastination affects everyone to some degree. It can be minor for some, while for others it can cause stress and anxiety. While it is considered normal to some degree, it becomes a problem when it interferes with normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of psychological disorder.  There may be a connection to procrastination such as having anxiety, low self-worth, and self-defeating mentality. It could also be connected to lack of self confidence or disliking the task. Here are some tips you can use to help beat procrastination:

  1. Help set up goals and how to accomplish them. Make sure the goals are realistic for you to achieve. Your goals or tasks should match your values, if not it will be harder to find the energy to tackle them. If you can’t achieve something right away, try again. Don’t give up right away.
  2.  Identify expectations and create a calendar or “to do list.” Make sure to cross out completed goals which can give you a sense of confidence and accomplishment. Putting items on your list that take more than 30 minutes might discourage you. Try making a series of smaller “to-do’s” instead.
  3.  Break down large tasks into smaller achievable tasks. This can include steps so you can follow through on the task. It might help to set a completion point for accomplishing a small task. You don’t have to tackle all the steps in one sitting. Spread out a large project over several work sessions. By checking or crossing off  items on your list will help you to see greater progress.
  4. Having a reward system can help motivate you to start and end a task. Brainstorm what rewards you want to engage in when you complete a task such as going out to the movies with friends after work, reading a book, spending time with friends, etc.
  5.  Make your task fun and pleasant.  Try making the task and environment pleasant. Try alternating unpleasant tasks with tasks you enjoy. You can listen to music or dance while you complete an unpleasant task.
  6.  Set a time limit. Challenge yourself and play a game by setting up a time. Tell yourself “I have 10 minutes to clean out my draw before I move on to another chore.”
  7.  Don’t try to do everything perfectly because perfectionism usually leads to procrastination. The progress is important.
  8. Try doing the most creative and difficult work during the most productive part of your day.
  9. Prioritize which task needs to be done first. One way to prioritize is to either number them or give each task an A, B, C designation. A designates must be done. B designates should be done. C designates doesn’t have to be done unless you have enough time.
  10.  Ask someone to check up on you. Having the pressure of someone asking you what you have completed during the day may help you to get started on a task sooner than you think.
Procrastination is reinforcing. Every time you delay it reinforces your negative self talk and negativity towards a task.  Active participation gives you a positive attitude towards yourself and the task. There are benefits to overcoming procrastination. You will feel empowered, free, competent, confident, healthier, have a peace of mind, feel less stressed, and feel that you have control over your life. You will have a greater personal self gratification. Keep working on beating procrastination. You may still procrastinate, but at least now you have some tools to help you overcome delaying a task.


** If you or someone you know is struggling with procrastination, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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Self-Care and Simple Pleasures to Add to Your Life

3/25/2014

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, MS. on PsychCentral

“Many of us are plagued by cultural messages that doing things that feel good, just for the fun of it, is irresponsible and self-indulgent,” writes editor Karen Bouris in her book 31 Words to Create a Guilt-Free Life: Finding the Freedom to Be Your Most Powerful Self.

When we finally have some free time, we wonder what work we should fill it with. Should I pick up around the house? Do the laundry? Dust? Work on another project? Pay the bills?

It feels strange or unfamiliar to do the things we like, to rest, to take a nap during the day, to take a day off.

I have to remind myself of the same thing: It’s OK to take a break. It’s OK to do nothing or to savor something wonderful. It’s OK to let pleasure into your life.

In fact, according to Karen, “It’s an essential facet of our overall well-being.”

In the book, she suggests making a “pleasures list” with up to 100 things you truly enjoy. I say challenge yourself to create a list of 100simple pleasures. Karen uses the examples of having an ice cream cone on a hot day, cuddling with your cat, taking a tour at the museum and reading a book at the park.

Consider adding activities you enjoy doing during different seasons. In the wintertime, you might add savoring potato soup, making snow angels and sipping hot chocolate. In the spring, you might include hiking your favorite trail, riding your bike, picking strawberries and visiting the zoo.

In the summer, you might include going to the farmer’s market, making guacamole, eating watermelon, reading on your back porch, collecting seashells at the beach and savoring fruit salad. In the fall, you might add taking photos of the changing leaves, going apple-picking, burning cranberry scented candles and baking a pumpkin pie.

Once you have your list, start integrating those small pleasures into your life, Karen writes. “Even on busy days, try to find time to sing along with the radio or call your best friend (or whatever it is that you can do to add a splash of pleasure into your day!).”

Here are other ideas:

  • listening to music while driving
  • savoring a piece of dark chocolate while sipping your favorite coffee
  • drinking a glass of wine
  • visiting a botanical garden
  • browsing a used bookstore
  • browsing the library
  • getting a massage
  • taking a yoga class
  • cuddling on the couch with a good book
  • buying a new journal
  • planting flowers
  • buying yourself a bouquet
  • watching the sunset
  • sleeping in
  • watching your favorite cartoon from childhood while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (cut in triangles, of course) and drinking chocolate milk
  • re-reading your favorite poem
  • taking a dance break
  • going on a weekend getaway to a nearby city
  • making your own face scrub and applying it
  • going to a music festival
  • having lunch by the lake
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The Mystery of Your Own Psyche

3/19/2014

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Published by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. on PsychCentral

Do you ever surprise yourself? Wonder why you got crazy-angry about something that now seems so small? Wonder why you made that dumb decision? Wonder why you shied away from a great opportunity? Wonder why you fell in love with a person you now consider a complete bozo?

I hope you do surprise yourself from time to time. Why? Because that’s a sign that you’re attuned to the complexity of your own psyche. You acknowledge (and forgive yourself) for not being a single, unitary, consolidated person. Instead, you are a person who is diverse, divided, growing and learning. Good for you – even though it may not always feel so good.

Yes, it can be painful to be aware of our splintered selves, especially when we exhibit traits that we don’t admire. Consider these examples…

You’re a giving person. Yet, there are times you want what you want when you want it. Are you always that way? No! But when you’re tired, hungry, impatient, that trait erupts. Do you own that selfishness? Or, do you project it onto someone else? “You’re the selfish one. It always has to be your way and your timing. I’m sick of it!”

You’re a smart person. Yet, there are times you have made some really stupid decisions. Do you own that ignorance? Or, do you blame it on others? “You made me do it. You drove me so crazy, I didn’t know what I was doing.”

You’re an open-minded person. Yet, there are times you are absolutely certain about a topic, dismissing any other perspective as half-baked. Do you own that rigidity? Or do you explain it away as the ignorance of others? ”I don’t care what you heard on TV. It’s just plain wrong. They don’t know what they’re talking about and you shouldn’t listen to them.”

As you can see, when your psyche operates outside of your awareness, it corrupts your most intimate relationships. Why? Because no relationship can be more mature than the one you have with yourself. Deny your actions, squelch your emotions in the hopes that they will go away and watch them burst through when you least expect them to.

How often do you con yourself, thinking your motives are pure when they’re actually quite muddled? How often do you lie to yourself, inventing the purest of reasons for what you did, concealing the real reason? How often do you steal from yourself, swiping precious time and energy away from the life that you were meant to live?

I hope you will not continue to shy away from facing the mystery of your own psyche. Though it may be frightening, it will have a terrific payoff. Why? Because what remains unconscious continues to haunt you. How frustrating is it when you’re hooked into a repetition compulsion, repeating actions, arguments and pursuits that don’t work out well at all?

Being aware doesn’t just enlighten us. It opens our mind, changing how we think, what we do and ultimately, who we are. It benefits not only us, but those who are closest to us — including the generation yet to be born.

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7 Warning Signs of a Troubled Marriage

3/18/2014

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Published by Debra Manchester Macmannis, LCSW, on PsychCentral

I’ve been counseling couples and families for over three decades and one thing stands out. Most people wait too long before they reach out for help…years too long. Problems that might have been solved in five to ten sessions become crises that break up perfectly good relationships.

Since only a precious few learned the necessary skills to weather the ups and downs of a long-term relationship, it is easy to slip into negative patterns of relating–either to oneself or to loved ones–or both.

What are the warning signs of problems that need to be addressed?

Sometimes the signs are glaring and obvious–domestic violence, high levels of conflict on a daily basis, serious addictions, repetitive infidelity–but far more often, problems seem to creep up on people a little bit at a time.

In a famous 19th Century science experiment, researchers described how if they put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it would quickly jump out, recognizing the danger instinctively. But if the frog was put in cold water that was heated to boiling very slowly, the frog had no idea of the trouble brewing. By the time the water was boiling, the frog was dead meat.

So it can be with dysfunctional families, marriages, or even organizations. It seems OK until suddenly it doesn’t.

Warning Sign #1: You are no longer warm or affectionate with your partner.

Happy loving couples look up from what they are doing and smile when their partner comes home from work. They touch one another with some frequency–a hug hello or goodbye, a hand on the shoulder or leg, a kiss goodnight, holding hands watching a movie, rubbing the back of the neck after a long day.

Some people try to defend their lack of physical warmth by saying it’s not how they are built but when you see them with their children, they touch and tussle, smile and cuddle. Often when affection begins to wane in a marriage, it is a symptom of unexpressed resentment that needs to be uncovered and worked through.

Warning Sign #2: You don’t create enough time together doing enjoyable activities.

If the only time that you spend with your mate is conducting the business of the marriage–doing chores, paying bills, managing child care–then the relationship ceases to have the qualities of a deep and tender friendship. As the old Michael Johnson song so aptly put it, “Love will get you through times of no sex better than sex will get you through times of no love…”

Happy loving couples make their friendship a priority. Even on weeks when they can’t afford the time or money for a date night, they participate in activities that bring playfulness and joy into the relationship. Some couples work out together, take walks when weather permits, play cards or games, entertain other friends and family, play sports, watch movies, or read books.

Warning Sign #3: You stop having sex or have it very infrequently.

One of the enjoyable activities that makes marriage special is the ongoing availability of a sexual connection. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the media, married people in general have more sex than their single counterparts, averaging between one to two times weekly after the honeymoon phase is over. If you begin to notice that the time between lovemaking is growing longer, this is another symptom of decreased connection.

Lots of folks–more often women in my experience–condone their behavior by saying they don’t want to have sex if they don’t feel like it but this position readily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both men and women get a boost of oxytocin–the bonding hormone–when sexual or even when cuddling, so paradoxically, if you have sex, you will then feel close (and more sexual) again. It’s a bit like priming the pump.

Warning Sign #4: One or both partners stop good self-care.

Marriage takes commitment and caring, both for oneself and for your partner. When either person begins to take the relationship for granted, resentments often build. Recent surveys have shown that both men and women are turned off when their mate puts on weight, stops dressing fashionably or grooming adequately.

Happier couples still dress up when they go on a date night as if they were courting a new relationship. Since a big part of our attraction to others is visual, it is important to want to look good for each other.

Warning Sign #5: You blame your partner for your unhappiness (even if you don’t say it out loud).

Couples that don’t fight or fight very infrequently seem to have the illusion that their marriage is going well even when it isn’t. (The water is getting hotter by the minute but you and the frog are still unaware). If you feel constantly criticized or are feeling critical of your partner on a regular basis, it is a sign that issues need to be put on the table rather than shoved under the rug.

Warning Sign #6: You are lonely even when your partner is in the same room.

If you feel lonely in your marriage, it is time to take action. Most likely, your partner is also feeling the same thing. Loneliness is the fertile soil for affairs. Most infidelities are not due to sexual desires–although certainly sexless marriages contribute to longing–but they begin more innocently as a desire for friendship.

If you and your mate are not listening to one another’s pains and pleasures and providing support and empathy, then it is natural to look for support elsewhere. Don’t wait for the crisis and heartache of an affair. Even feeling the desire to look outside your marriage should make warning bells go off in your head.

Warning Sign #7: Contempt has crept into your conflicts.

Be on the lookout for contempt- it is a relationship killer of massive proportions. Contempt is a form of criticism with a twist of judgment and bitterness thrown in.

It is signaled by rolling eyes and a downturned mouth indicating disgust. In John Gottman’s research, made more famous with Gladwell’s book Blink, contempt is one of the most obvious signs of an impending crisis. Simply observing couples arguing for a few minutes can help a trained observer accurately forecast the fate of a relationship.

Get Help Before It’s Too Late!

The point of my sharing these warning signs is to light a fire in your awareness before it’s too late. If you read this and are worried because you have all seven signs a-blazing, take heed but don’t panic. With courage and commitment–and the right therapist–you can work together to create or recreate the relationship that makes you feel liked, loved and respected. Look forward to the next blog about finding the right therapist when you need one.


** If you or someone you know is in a troubled marriage, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment. 

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Sleep Strategies for Adults with ADHD

3/14/2014

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. on PsychCentral

Sleep disturbances are common among adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ( ADHD).

“I don’t know anyone with ADHD who does not have an issue with sleep,” said Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D, a psychologist who treats ADHD and a clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

In fact, in the past, sleep disturbances were considered as a criterion for defining ADHD, according to psychiatrist William W. Dodson, MD, in the book Gender Issues and AD/HD: Research, Diagnosis and Treatment. However, they “were dropped because they were felt to be too nonspecific.”

Adults with ADHD have a range of sleep issues. They struggle with getting to sleep, waking up in the morning and staying alert during the day. They also struggle with sleep disorders, such as sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome and narcolepsy, Olivardia said.

Sleep problems tend to remit when adults with ADHD are taking the right medication for them, said Dodson, who specializes in treating adults with ADHD in Denver, Colo. Unfortunately, finding the optimal medication and dose can take time.

Also, medication isn’t a cure-all. It’s important to engage in behavioral strategies that promote sleep. Here are suggestions for getting enough sleep (and waking up on time).

Realize the value of sleep.

First, it’s important to realize that getting enough sleep is critical, Olivardia said. Many adults with ADHD don’t. They “report getting by on little sleep, partly because they are often engaged in jobs that they are stimulated at.”

Sleeping better offers the benefits of sharper focus and attention, he said. Plus, sleep deprivation has serious consequences, such as a lower threshold for stress, impaired memory, trouble concentrating and lower immune function.

Get to bed.

Many adults with ADHD find that they’re most productive at night. They tend to hyperfocus on tasks and don’t want to break their momentum. According to Dodson, after the sun goes down, they feel especially energetic and think more clearly. Plus, distractions tend to be low.

Olivardia cited neurological research that found that the “ADHD brain is prone to a delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS).” Instead of having a typical circadian rhythm – with sleeping hours from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. – people have an irregular pattern of 2 a.m. to about 10 a.m., he said.

So stopping what you’re doing, heading to bed and turning the lights off can go a long way, Dodson said. He also noted the importance of having a set bedtime.

Engage in routine tasks before bed.

“[A]dults with ADHD often engage in high-arousing activities, like watching videos or movies of high interest, or playing videogames, that make their brains unable to transition to sleep well,” Olivardia said.

That’s why it’s important to stop engaging in these kinds of activities at least 2 hours before bedtime, he said. Dodson suggested avoiding vigorous exercise within 4 hours of bedtime.

Olivardia also suggested engaging in routine tasks, such as washing the dishes, folding laundry, putting out clothes for the next day and packing lunch.

Try noise-canceling options.

Sounds can be incredibly distracting and stall sleep. To block them, Olivardia recommended using sound machines that create “white noise” or listening to light music.

Try an ADHD-friendly alarm.

For adults who find it difficult to wake up on time, Olivardia suggested exploring ADHD-friendly alarms. Then, once you’re up, turn off the alarm and throw the covers off your bed, he said. Leave your bedroom right away, and take a shower.

Use the two-alarm system.


In his book chapter Dodson suggests setting two alarms – an hour apart – and placing your first dose of medication with a glass of water by your bed. Specifically, set your alarm to go off one hour before you have to be out of bed. When the first alarm rings, take your medication and go back to sleep. When the second alarm rings an hour later, the medication is at peak blood level, which helps with alertness.

“Sleep is often a battle for those with ADHD,” Olivardia said. But making sure you have effective treatment and engaging in behavioral strategies can help tremendously.



** If you or someone you know is struggling with ADHD, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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4 Secrets for Setting Rock-Solid Boundaries

3/13/2014

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Published by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. on PsychCentral.

Setting and sustaining boundaries is essential to our lives. “Boundaries give us a say in how our life goes,” according to Jan Black, author ofBetter Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life.

Without boundaries, we are an island with no sea wall, she said. “We are at the mercy of and must deal with whatever the ocean dumps on us.”

Boundaries create the rules for our relationships, according to Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, a relationship expert and author of The Burnout Cure: An Emotional Survival Guide for Overwhelmed Women.

She defined boundaries as “personal lines that distinguish you, your thoughts, feelings, physical self, needs and preferences from another person.”

Black defined boundaries as “a set of yes’s, no’s, maybe’s and not now’s we use as owners of our lives to keep ourselves safe and freely pursuing the path, people and activities that inspire and grow us.”

Boundaries are vital everywhere. Black gave the example of boundaries surrounding a performance. They include the date, time, place and price of tickets. They include a specific seat in a specific section and possibly a timed intermission. Some doors are open; others are off limits. If a person doesn’t follow these boundaries, there are consequences.

These types of boundaries give artists the opportunity to put on their best performance, Black said. Without them, the concert would be disappointing and even dangerous, she said. “The same is true of our lives. Our boundaries can put us in the best position to perform what is required to live and give from the center of who we are.”

Many of us make mistakes when building our boundaries. We might let others guilt us out of maintaining certain limits, forget that we can adjust our boundaries when circumstances change, apologize or overexplain our decisions or give up when setting boundaries becomes too tough, Black said.

We might set boundaries that are too weak, Hanks said. “It’s like setting up a fence that doesn’t have any end posts set firmly in the ground: anyone can push it over.” Or we might set boundaries that are too rigid — building a fence that has no gate and is so deep and high that no one can get in, she said.

Boundary setting is an acquired skill. It’s akin to learning to walk, talk or ride a bike, Black said. “Yes, there may be crashes and falls at first, but you’ll get the hang of it if you stick with it.”

Here are four suggestions for setting rock-solid boundaries.

1. Focus on your values. “When we value something enough, we protect it,” Black said. “Our desire for that becomes stronger than our neediness to live by the opinions and preferences others have for us.”

Your values may include your priorities, a specific idea, dream or calling. For instance, when her health declined, Black decided to draw lines around how she rested, what she ate and who she allowed to educate her about her condition.

“My motivation to be healthy rearranged what I would and would not let into my life. The boundaries I have installed around my health have put me in the best possible position to heal, even thrive.”

2. Value yourself. Black also stressed the importance of valuing yourself. If you struggle with valuing yourself, she suggested taking on the perspective of your loved one.

“When faced with a choice about whether or not something is in your best interest, ask yourself how you would hope your best friend or dear loved one would choose. Then do that for yourself.”

Over time, with more practice, setting healthy, protective boundaries will become more natural. “Boundaries show you treasure your life as your own best friend.”

3. Back up verbal requests with behavior. When someone crosses your boundary, it’s important to follow through by taking action. Hanks gave the following example: Let’s say your friend has been complaining to you about her ex-husband for five years. You find it incredibly draining. When she starts complaining, you remind her about your boundary. If she continues complaining, and you’re on the phone, you say that you need to go, and hang up. If you’re speaking in person, you get up, and leave.

4. Be specific. When someone has crossed your boundary, share a specific, detailed response. According to Hanks, rather than saying “You’re so controlling,” say: “When I gave my feedback in the meeting yesterday, it seemed like you quickly dismissed it without consideration. That hurt and I didn’t like it. Will you be aware of that next time? I’d like at least a few minutes to share my ideas with the team.”

Boundaries are key for your well-being and your relationships. In fact, they’re essential “if you want to live a life you love,” Black said.

When we take ourselves and our priorities seriously, others will, too, she said. “Boundaries show we are serious about living our lives in ways we believe are best for us. The people around us will adjust to them or leave. Bless them either way.”



** If you or someone you know is struggling to create boundaries, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

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